Homeschooling: It's not what we do, it's how we live.

Latest

Space Center Houston

Last week, we got to go to Johnson Space Center’s Homeschool Day – FINALLY! We’ve been planning to go for several years now, but they always schedule it close to the end of October. The Texas Ren Fest, Coushatta Pow-Wow, Balunar Fest and Halloween all have fallen within a few days of each other for the past several years, so we haven’t been able to go. But this year, they planned it mid-month, and we made it!

I am so glad we went! It was a really great experience. They hosted several classes and workshops, for the students as well as the parents. I sent the boys to a STEM for Homeschoolers class while I went to a notebooking seminar hosted by Heidi St. John of TheBusyMom.com. She’s a Christian blogger (just to warn you), but overlooking that, she had a lot of great ideas if you’re looking into transitioning to notebooking. We’ve been lapbooking for a long time, but have kind of gotten away from it. The last few lapbooks we did were kind of boring and very ‘stock’. Heidi brought some of her kids’ lapbooks, and they were fun and interesting, so I got inspired! I think that’s one of the keys to combating burn-out; seeing how other moms run their homeschool. New ideas, fresh perspectives – especially when you’re struggling with a bump in the road, listening to something new can help you rediscover your joy in homeschooling.

The boys got to work on several projects during the day. They started out with a STEM class, and got to work with household materials to demonstrate scientific principles. I have yet to get a full report, other than a few grunts and, ‘It was cool’, so I can’t give you many details about it. I walked in just as they knocked over a big tower of steel rods, which was fantastically noisy, but didn’t hear the hows or whys of it.

CAM00868

 

After STEM and notebooking, we had lunch in the big cafeteria. While we were eating, I realized how amazingly calm and peaceful the environment was. Normally, with that many kids, there’s an element of controlled chaos that rides the line between overstimulation and total anarchy. Inevitably, there are kids running around, babies crying, and frustrated parents trying to get the most out of their money for the day. But this was nothing like that. There were kids of all ages, from high schoolers to babies in slings (and breastfeeding!) and overwhelmingly, the vibe was serene and happy and easy-going. It was a moment that made me really happy to be part of it.

After lunch, we headed to the Silver Moon Lounge for Robotics 101 with Dr. Monique. There were 8 tables with 2 stations each for the kids to work on programming a Lego bot. I would post links to the kits they used, but I can’t seem to find them right now (it’s 2:30AM and I am tired – maybe tomorrow, lol).

After some initial grumbling, they got into the swing of it and were able to create a program, save it, run it with the robot (test it), and make changes to the program in order to get it to operate within specific parameters. The name of the game was ‘Don’t Kill the MiniFig’, and the object was to create a program that made the robot run the length of tape, getting as close as possible without knocking over (killing) the Lego minifig at the end of the line. LBB came closest, but after running a few programs, we ended up leaving a bit early to catch the last tram tour for the day of the grounds.

After a long day of space fun, we were all pretty tired and ready to get back home. But now that we know how close NASA is, it’s definitely something we will keep on our list of activities!

CAM00892Warmly,
~h

 

September Homeschool Book Club

This year is the first year that we’ve been able to really participate in our local library’s homeschool book club. Over the past few years, we’ve had good intentions, but the day of the week they met was always in conflict with our schedule, or I’d forget about it, or we’d end up with other plans the day of the meeting. So I was excited this year to make the planning meeting, and discover that the stars have finally aligned and that we can participate this year.
The first book that we read was for the month of September. Lois Lowry’s ‘The Giver’ was the selection. I read this book a couple of years ago when my friend PBJMom was going through it with her class (she is a former homeschool expert, now amazing public school teacher). With the movie version that came out this year (which my oldest has seen), I figured that was a pretty good choice, especially if/since some of the kids had probably seen it, and would be more familiar with the story.  It’s age-appropriate (middle school, which is my kids’ age, and the age that their book club is designed for), and provocative in that it deals with subjects that I feel are important for kids to consider.
In no way did I think that this was a ‘controversial’ choice, but apparently I was so wrong about that! When we went to discuss the book, I learned that the suitability for this book for this age qroup had been questioned – to the point that rather than selecting a single book to be read and discussed for the month, there is a list of 5 books that the kids can choose from, with a few questions at the discussion that pertain to how the book the student chose affected them, personally. While I don’t think that’s an entirely unworthy pursuit, it’s definitely not what I expected.

In books clubs I’ve previously been part of, the book is chosen and the discussion pertains to that particular book and how it impacts the discussion group members. Ideally, a ‘good’ selection offers something challenging – an idea or viewpoint that the reader hadn’t previously been confronted with, or a situation that broadens the reader’s experience in some way. That’s what I was looking for in a book club for my kids, and I feel like the approach that is being taken in this case is ‘safe’. And by safe, I mean boring, and not challenging, and wrong.

I can’t help but feel like the choice is based on pressures from the conservative and/or religious set in this area. I may be totally off base on that, but I really think that has a lot to do with it. The only ‘objections’ that I’ve been able to find for The Giver come from a conservative and/or ‘fearful’ viewpoint, with questions and concerns about the topics of sexuality, suicide, and rebellion.

Given that the main character is 11/12 years old, I think it’s entirely appropriate for children who are that are to be reading about what a child of a similar age might be seeing, thinking, feeling and dealing with, including the awakening of sexual feelings. A pre-teen is likely dealing with some of those same issues, and struggling to find his or her own identity. Books – especially those that bring new ideas to the table – are essential to their developing sense of morality and individuality. Far better, in my opinion, to read books that a parent finds objectionable with your child than to try to hide it from him.  Reading with your child does several things. It enhances the bond you have with your child. It provides opportunities for discussion and exploration of the ideas presented in the book. Talking about those points can help a parent know their child’s mind, and re-direct his or her thinking if necessary.

Reading books together also provides opportunities to talk with your children about topics that you may find uncomfortable, or hard to bring up. Some things just don’t come up in everyday conversation, and trying to segue into them can be difficult without a catalyst. The Giver has a couple of openings that provide an in-road to a discussion about euthanasia, suicide, end of life decisions, eugenics and selective breeding, and a host of governmental and societal topics that we simply don’t have to deal with in our lives. I think those are valuable discussions to have with your kids!

Le sigh…

Moving on, the discussion, itself was great! Our librarian is just amazing, and she does a great job at getting the kids engaged in the discussion, even when they’re reluctant to participate, or feel they may not have much to add. She brought popcorn and drinks, and used the game ‘Apples to Apples’ as an ice-breaker to get the kids (and parents) comfortable with talking to each other before she opened the book discussion up. It was a great strategy!

CAM00800

 

In any case, I don’t think that  book clubs should be all about deep discussions, and despite all evidence to the contrary, I really am petwarlooking forward to next month’s discussion. The books the kids got to choose from were: Treasure Island, The View from Saturday, Anne of Green Gables, The Book Thief and The Pet War. The boys chose different books originally; PeaGreen was keen to read The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, while LBB chose The Pet War by Allan Woodrow. After some discussion, PeaGreen decided to switch to The Pet War as well, so we’re working on that at the moment. We’re in chapter 6, and it’s clever, funny and engaging.

We’re notebooking our way through it, using ‘graphic’ note-taking. PeaGreen has really gotten into it, with pictures and charts, while LBB tends to prefer a more linear style of note-taking. It’s odd to me that they’ve ended up taking notes the way they have; I’d have thought they’d be opposite in their styles. Just goes to show that there’s always something to surprise you!

I’ve read The Book Thief already, and I think when we finish this book, we’re going to read that one, too. It can’t hurt them to be prepared with more than one book!

What are your thoughts on book clubs and ‘controversial’ topics in literature for kids?

Warmly,
~h

Fall Update

The last couple of weeks, I’ve made some changes to how I am assigning the boys their work. We’ve tried using various methods (workboxes, STARS journals, various binders and lists, to name a few), but nothing has really stuck. Partially, I think I was pushing too hard for too much independence before they were ready, but now that they’re older, we’re trying some more self-paced scheduling.

Last week, I printed their assignments and gave the pages to the boys and allowed them to work at their own pace. Loverly Husband was off Friday (home DIY-ness related), so the understanding was that if they got all their work accomplished for the week before Friday, they could have Friday off. While they didn’t quite hit that goal, overall, this method was successful, so we’re trying it again this week.

I usually plan 3-4 weeks at a time, but having them knowing what’s on the schedule for the week is nice. In the past, LBB especially, has gotten overwhelmed with seeing everything laid out, but he’s able to focus on one day at a time and work neatly with the week’s schedule (thank goodness!!) – that’s an ADHD/anxiety success!

In other news, we’ve been busy with our homeschool group – the Houston Children’s Museum held their homeschool day a couple of weeks ago, and we had a great time! They have this child-sized city called ‘Kidtropolis‘ that has samples of real life – all kinds of jobs, including: a TV station, a postal service, a bank, a grocery store, city hall, police/fire/EMS, restaurant, vet – the kids can ‘work’ and get ‘paid’, make deposits at the bank, ‘buy’ things at the store, change jobs… it’s really neat. This was the first time that either of my kids really made an effort to experience it. LBB started working in the restaurant, and was eventually promoted to manager. It was fun watching him ‘work’ with all the other kids.

We also dabbled in some folk art while out at the park. The kids used glue and paints to faux-batik pillowcases. PeaGreen was pretty happy with his rendition of Link from Legend of Zelda, while LBB was less enthused about the entire project. Still, he managed a decent representation of the Destiny logo.

CAM00737

We’ve been using Khan Academy for math, and after some initial trepidation, we’ve established a routine with it and it’s working well. Basically, the boys are ‘learning’ each new concept by watching the video. Then working through the ‘practice’ sessions, and then competing each section with a ‘mastery challenge’. Questions and concepts do come back up even though they’ve mastered them, so it’s keeping skills in the rotation, which is nice. The boys are spending about 5 hours per week on math, which is good at this stage. It was taking them a bit longer, but they’ve gotten the hang of doing it this way now, and it’s nice. I love that I am not having to ‘teach’ it – when they get stuck, we watch the video together (because I am often just as lost as they are), so we talk it out and work through the problems together, then they continue working on their own.

I think that having such a central subject taken off of my plate has helped me get a handle on things. I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed with middle school curriculum – math is so not my area of expertise, so being able to pass that off to more qualified ‘teachers’ is awesome. Plus, I think that it’s helped the boys be more independent and not rely so much on me.

CAM00762

 

Last but not least, this is the boys’ new bathroom! Loverly Husband spent this weekend ripping out the floor and walls and replacing everything from sub-flooring to fixtures. We had bathroom wallboard in there, but it wasn’t sealed very well, so water has been seeping behind it, and rotted out the floor and a lot of the wood underneath the wallboard. It was totally nasty in there. But thanks to all his hard work, it looks great! We bought a new shower curtain and will be painting soon and it will be all done. I absolutely could not be happier that the floor and bathtub surround are done though.

CAM00792

Warmly,
~h

 

 

 

 

Homeschooling Isn’t Always Great

Anyone who tells you that homeschooling is awesome 24/7 is lying to you. There are definitely days that make a homeschooling parent question her self, her sanity – her decision to have children in the first place (just like non-homeschooling parents, I’m sure).

Yesterday was one of those days. A running joke among our homeschool group’s moms is the mantra ‘Good mothers don’t eat their children’, or something to that effect. It’s a good mantra.

Of course, there’s always that voice of reason that chimes in with perfect clarity and reminds us all that as the mother and leader, our children’s attitudes and feelings are likely influenced by our own. It’s 100% true, but not what I wanted to hear at that moment because that shifted the blame squarely to my own shoulders, which is always uncomfortably where it belongs most of the time. Le sigh. There are days where being a real grown-up just doesn’t pay.

In checking myself, I’ve been looking for other ‘bad day at homeschool’ stories, and have come to the not-so-startling realization that I am (thankfully) not alone. It seems that other homeschooling moms deal with the same lackluster attitudes and non-cooperative stubbornness that I do. While somewhat comforting, it’s not really helpful in figuring out how to get out of that funk, or change those attitudes.

So, in light of yesterday’s shenanigans, I’ve been forced to do some evaluation of what we’re doing and how we’re doing it. I was going through some old schoolwork that the boys did and I was struck with the feeling that ‘I used to be so much better at this homeschooling thing’, and wondering where along the way I’d gone wrong. In doing some honest seeking, I’ve not been devoting the time and effort that I used to out into homeschooling that I did in the beginning. That’s a hard thing to admit, but it’s true.

I feel a bit discouraged right now, even having an action plan to put into place, I still feel that little pin-prick of failure. We’re a month into the school year, and are already falling apart, it seems. We just took a break from school to relax and regroup so we could start fresh, but it seems that break wasn’t as effective as I’d hoped it’d be. Over the last 9 months or so, I’ve been working more, which has limited my schedule and time at home. We’ve always been active out of the house, but our home days were much more structured than they have been lately. Partially, this is my own fault – I’ve been staying up late and sleeping in later, which means that we’re getting started later and the kids aren’t as focused as they are when we start earlier in the day.

They’re also left to their own devices more. Rather than doing the same sorts of hands-on schooling that we’ve been doing, I’ve been offering them more independent study. While I feel like this ‘should’ be appropriate, I guess ‘should’ in one hand and ‘spit’ in the other and see which fills up first is the game of the day, here. As much as I would love for them to be more independent when it comes to schoolwork, they still need direction. I see that now, and despite my best attempts to prod them, I can’t force them to do something out of their depth.

With this scrutiny comes the realization that I have to do better. I’ve known this, but have been reluctant to admit it. As the mom, and the teacher, I have to get my priorities in order so that I can effectively lead my children. I’ve notices that some of the things we used to do on a regular basis that were ‘centering’ and ‘grounding’ activities have slid to the wayside. We used to meditate, to stretch and take time to connect with each other before school started in the mornings. We’re rushed now, all the time, it seems. As our schedule as gotten busier (work, karate, soccer, volunteering, field trips, errands, visiting, etc.), that practice has been squished out of the schedule. Isn’t that the way it goes? The things you need the most are the first things to get put on the back-burner when you get busy.

Another aspect that I am missing for myself is attention to myself. Yesterday was the autumn equinox, and where over the past few years, taking time to observe the changing of the seasons has played a dominant role in my life, this year has been rather busy, and so I’ve let it slide. My favorite season, Autumn, is already here and I barely took time to notice it. So that’s another thing that I need to focus on – getting myself back on an even keel. Life’s all about the act of balance, right?

So here’s to turning over a new leaf (which is appropriate, because it’s Fall)!

Warmly,
~h

 

 

 

 

We Read Banned Books Here

 

Banned Books Week is coming up fast!! To celebrate, we’re reading banned books (and watching films based on banned books). We’re talking about censorship – what that means, what potential good vs. harm it does to society, and more. I made ‘Banned Books stickers to wear and gave some to the kids to pass out when we are about town. (I just printed the pictures and ran them through a sticker maker. – I don’t get paid to hawk their product; I’ve just had it for years and I love it!)

So why do I like banned books week? Well, part of it is rebellion, pure and simple. Tell kids that something is banned, and it immediately piques their interest. They want to know ‘why’, and so they read. I think that banned books week is probably one of the most ingenious ways to get those ideas out there, into the hands and minds of the young – tell them they can’t have it, and they’ll be all over it. This concept is so effective that I wonder sometimes if the banned books thing was created for that exact reason. Either way, I enjoy the concept and am happy to promote it!

I was preparing for this week, and this post and found the top ten most challenged list for last year – I had no idea that Captain Underpants books were the most challenged in 2013. That seems a little absurd to me. Captain Underpants isn’t my personal favorite, but harmful? Probably in the same way that watching Wile E. Coyote repeatedly attempt to murder the Roadrunner was for us. Aren’t we all scarred from that?

For a list of ‘frequently challenged books’, click here.

Hunger Games also came up in the top ten. I kinda-sorta can see why that one might come up, but overall, I think it opens much more of an opportunity for discussion than anything else. I sort of equate a lot of the YA books that have come out (or gotten popular) lately on the same lines – The Giver, Divergence, Hunger Games… they’re all about a dystopian society somewhere in the future. They’re about coming of age in a world where your decisions determine your future in a way that we don’t have to deal with in our reality.

I actually really like these types of books. I know there’s a big deal about adults and YA fiction, but I think those detractors are annoying. YA has come out with some pretty interesting stuff in the last few years! I like storylines, especially as a parent/teacher, that give kids more credit that they get in real life for being intelligent, brave, and capable. Their energy and enthusiasm is an asset that our society doesn’t seem to have a place for very often. It’s really no wonder that the most popular books feature situations where the choice(s) of a few young people affect the whole of their societies.

Scenarios like that, especially in book form where you immerse yourself in the story, that help you get into your child’s brain and see what they’re thinking, how they’re feeling. I think that’s important, especially with the constant discussion and worry over the parent/child generation gap that the media is constantly warning us of. I experienced a sense of disconnect from my parents in my teen years, and it makes me wonder how much of it is normal; the pulling away from family to establish a personal identity, and how much of it was truly a lack of communication/understanding. I don’t know how much of it is avoidable, but I want to give it my best to lessen the impact.

So what are your favorite banned books? Are you planning on doing anything with your kids for BBW?

Warmly,
~h

 

Sex-Positive Sex Education

 So here’s a topic that’s been on my mind a lot lately. With two pre-teen boys in the house, I think it’s a good idea to check in with them periodically to see what they’re thinking and going through, and to reiterate our family’s position and expectations on various topics with them. As they get older the topics of puberty, sex, and related issues come up, and if they don’t then I feel like it’s my responsibility to bring those topics up with them.

Sex is by no means a ‘new’ topic for my children; I’ve been a breastfeeding counselor and worked as a birth doula for a many years, so they’ve had access to age-appropriate information about the birds and bees all along. When they were old enough to start asking questions, we always answered factually, but let them guide the depth of the conversation. We started with simple, factual answers, using proper names for body parts and terms – no ‘cutesy’ stuff that might muddy the waters – because I feel that information is good for them. It also normalizes those conversations that have the potential to become ‘uncomfortable’ if you wait until kids are old enough for body-awareness and self-consciousness issues to come up. Not to say that it erases it completely, but open communication as a staple of family life is important, IMO.

Once we started homeschooling, we added in a more ‘formal’ health class, which included use of the FLASH curriculum. We’ve gone through it once already, and will be covering it again this year, with added material from Planned Parenthood and other websites (most of which are linked in various place throughout this post). I’ve bought the boys several of the ‘growing up’ and ‘about my body’ books for them to read through at their leisure, and added some kid-friendly health websites to their computer desktops so they can research on their own. We also worked through a lapbook on puberty and sex that I made (which will be posted eventually). We’ve even tackled conversations about having sex for the first time, proper use of condoms, and what kinds of things they would want to do afterwards (like condom disposal and washing up). They’ve never been restricted as far as information goes pertaining to what they ask about, and I’d not have it any other way.

The approach we take is called ‘sex-positive’ sex education. It’s talks about sex as a normal, natural, pleasurable experience. It’s open and honest communication, without the tinge of embarrassment, guilt and shame that often accompanies the topic of sex.

It’s pretty much the polar opposite of what’s ‘allowed’ to be taught in Texas schools, which uses shame and religious oppression in a failing attempt to reduce teen pregnancy and transmission of STDs by promoting ‘abstinence only’ education. I won’t go into how ineffective that method is; the fact that Texas is among the highest in the USA for teen (and even pre-teen) pregnancy (5th, actually), and first in the US for repeat teen pregnancy speaks for itself. If their goal is kids having kids, then I say, ‘Well done!’

Additionally, for many in the religious set, children are often coerced into entering verbal contracts with their parents, peer groups and/or youth pastors to remain ‘pure’ until marriage. This trend of tying a child’s self-worth to their sexual status is disturbing at best; abusive and creepy at worst. For something that’s a natural biological process, supposedly instilled in us by the Creator, to be so vehemently linked to sin and corruption and impurity just begs for sexual dysfunction later in life.  I really love that quote by Bertrand Russell. It states exactly how I feel about ‘biblical morality’.

Before I go much farther, let me address something (because I KNOW this will come up). I am, in no way, advocating that persons under the age of consent (in Texas, see: Texas Penal Code Section 21.11) engage in any type of sexual activity. What I AM addressing is that I believe that all children, including yours, have the right to know what will happen, or is happening, to their body at the onset of and during puberty, and that they have the right to know that masturbation and sex are normal, biological functions, and that their self-worth is in no way related to their virgin status. I believe that they are entitled to factual information, free from constraints put in place by a puritanical history with no medical or scientific basis. Furthermore, I believe that all children, especially those near or undergoing puberty, should have enough knowledge about sex and sex acts to protect themselves and their partner(s) should they find themselves in a situation where such knowledge is critical.

So what level of education is appropriate for pre-teens?

Well, that depends on a lot of things, including but not limited to: your personal beliefs and stance; your child’s maturity level (both mental/emotional as well as physical – meaning that if your child is physically more mature, then s/he probably needs at least some of the information even if you aren’t sure if s/he’s emotionally or mentally ready for the full picture); your environment and his/her associates – is s/he likely to get this information from peers, and if so, is that where you want your child’s support to come from? (not that that’s inherently a bad thing, but you do want to ensure that the information s/he’s getting is factual, and you still want that open line of communication with your kid).

For my children, this includes more detailed information as they get older, including the idea that sex is pleasurable, normal and healthy for adults to engage in. We’ve talked about appropriate speech in company – with friends vs. in mixed company (either girls or adults), being conscious of who else is around them (younger children).

At this age, consent is an important topic. They need to understand what consent is, and what it isn’t. How is consent conveyed? How can signals be misinterpreted? How do you voice your consent? How do you express dissent? Consent is important for them to understand, not only for themselves, to know if they’re being coerced or taken advantage of, but also so they can identify consent in their partners. I believe that consent starts from a very early age. Helping children own their bodies is a key factor in developing the confidence to voice dissent when it matters. The GoodMenProject has a great article that can help parents develop good communication habits that help children understand consent from a young age.

Pre-teens and teens also need to know what qualifies as ‘sexual contact’. This is where a lot of parents get sorta squidgy. Who likes talking about sex acts with their kids? Our parents never had to do that… which is probably an ideal example of why we should talk to our kids about sex acts. If you’re super uncomfortable talking about it, at least direct your kids to something appropriate, like PlannedParenthood’s What is Sex? article. Once they know what sex is, then talks about being ready and protection – for your child, and for his or her partner – can begin. Along with talks about sex, talks about drugs and alcohol, ‘partying’ and what to do if/when they get into a situation where they need help are natural progressions. It’s equally important to talk about being victimized, and to make sure your children know that if they are assaulted, it’s not their fault. EVER. Talk about ‘slut-shaming’ and ‘victim-blaming’. Talk about ‘rape culture’, and about how they can be advocates. Talk, talk, TALK!

And if you agree that information is important for kids, it’s absolutely crucial if your child is gay, lesbian, queer, transgendered, bisexual, asexual or falls in any way outside of the mainstream. LGBTQ kids have all of the same pressures that other kids face, as well as the unique issues that falling outside the mainstream brings. The Trevor Project is a great place to learn about how being LGBTQ affects a child, how to deal with your own thoughts and feelings, and most importantly, how you can help them, especially if you think your child might be suicidal. There are websites devoted to helping parents talk to their LGBTQ child, and others that can help parents understand and support their child. Even if your child is straight, help him/her be an ally. Talking with him/her about gender and sexual orientation is important. Because of how society views sex and gender, including promoting homophobia, sexism, and transphobia by not talking about it, it’s important that children are taught that these characteristics are no more exclusionary than skin, hair or eye color – just another variation of ‘normal’ that makes our world such a  grand, diverse, beautiful place to live in.

Armed with this information, how do we keep them safe? I think that information is the first string of safety precautions. The more open and communicative your family is, the fewer things get ‘stuffed’. Most kids have smart phones, and there are apps that are specifically designed to help them, like the Circle of 6 app, and the Life 360 app. Others, like the bSafe app, even have a feature that will allow you to program an automatic alarm that will trigger if you have not checked in with your friends or family in time.

You might be asking, ‘ How do we keep them from experimenting? How do you keep them from having sex?’

Honestly? The truth is… you can’t. You can, of course, communicate and express your desires for your children. You can let them know what your feelings are as far as sexual relationships go, and what your expectations for them are. Even the dreaded Planned Parenthood has discussion topics and suggested conversation responses to help parents help their teens delay having sex. But I don’t know of any people who wanted to have sex who didn’t because of an external expectations placed on them. Having an open and honestly communicative relationship helps though.

Given the option, I would prefer my children not have sex until they were in a committed relationship and were old enough to accept and responsibly handle the consequences of a sexual relationship. But another hard truth is that my kids’ sexuality belongs to THEM. Not me. It’s not up to me to dictate to them, once they’ve reached the age of consent, what is right for them. But I can influence their choices, and I would *always* rather them have protected sex (and sexual experimentation) than unprotected sex.

Warmly,
~h

 

Kids and Labels

When you have a child that is ‘different’, it’s often a challenge to get people to see the same small person that you see. Where you see an active, witty, inquisitive kiddo, they may see a hyper, sarcastic and nosy brat.

It’s so easy to get caught up in other people’s perceptions of your kid(s). We were at the bookstore a few weeks ago with our local playgroup – mostly kids 5 and under – and my big kids were sitting quietly, playing their Nintendo thingies. I was watching the other littler kids running around and being delightfully noisy – as littles tend to do – and I kept seeing the employees cut evil eyes over towards our little group.

The kids weren’t being ‘bad’ – they weren’t excessively noisy; they kept well within acceptable ‘joyful chatter’ limits for in public. They weren’t making messes (at least not ones that the moms weren’t helping to clean up) and they weren’t disrupting other customers. Really, there was no cause for complaint. Even our most boisterous tots were pretty chill on this occasion – and yet still, they were being viewed through the eyes of people who probably don’t really even like children all that much, much less enjoy the exuberance of youth.

I think the same thing happens in school. For the life of me, I cannot understand why people who do not enjoy children would go into teaching them as a profession, but it seems that many do. I remember conflicting particularly intensely with my 8th grade math teacher. We had instant dislike for one another the first time we met. Some personality conflicts are just that strong and quickly formed and no less important because they’re between an adult and a child. My mother thought that the conflict might be a good thing for me; something along the lines of teaching me/helping me learn that sometimes you have to work with people that you don’t particularly like. I agree in theory, but in practice, all that accomplished was continued animosity and a lifelong (at least to this point) hatred of all things math-related.

Sometimes, it is as basic as a personality conflict. Sometimes, the problem is deeper – like a fundamental lack of understanding about how children with more than their allotted share of ‘muchness’ function and relate to the world. My oldest child is ADHD, has sensory processing disorder and is all-round a ‘high needs‘ child. He’s growing out of it (or adapting better, maybe?) but there are still some key areas where his muchness shines through. It’s his personality, true, but there are other contributing factors. He is the way he is because of certain things, like his hearing (hyperacusis) or his need to touch things (sensory seeking) or have non-sticky or dirty hands (tactile defensiveness) or his need to be up and active with a 30-second attention span (ADHD). He is ‘this way'; he’s always been ‘this way’. He will always be ‘this way’.

Then there’s my youngest… he is alternatively the sweetest, most polite and helpful child on the planet, or the most obstinate, willful, argumentative and unyielding child ever to have been born. That’s just his personality. I’ve watched it develop as he’s gotten older. I see personality quirks in him that I recognize as being my own, or my Loverly Husband’s, and others that are uniquely his own. But he doesn’t have the same kinds of issues that my oldest has. Noises don’t affect him the same way. He can focus on something for long periods do time, and if he’s interested in what he’s doing, then it looks more like ‘obsession’ than mere interest.

I remember what it was like as a younger mother with two small boys. The bookstore is a fairly contained area where, for the price of a cup of coffee (Starbucks, so it’s not even cheap coffee), we could hang for an hour or two when it’s unbearably hot outside and the boys could stay relatively close to me, but still had plenty room to maneuver – and this was back when they had a train table, even. Why have a big comfy kids’ area when you’re not really ‘kid-friendly’?

We’re fortunate to have in our circle of friends several families with at least one child with more than the normal allotted ‘muchness’. I’m also extremely fortunate in that most of my friends parent somewhat similarly to the way I do, so when there is need for a mama-voice in a situation, no matter which mom steps in, the procedure is on-par with what I’d do myself. I value that consistency for my kids.

I also value the overall parental attitude that sees this type of ‘muchness’ as something to be encouraged – not something to be disciplined out of them. We/They value these personality quirks and attitudes as necessary skills for future thinkers and leaders. We/They see our kids as the amazing people – individuals – that they are, not as mini-robots who are stepping out of line. They have a voice, and they’re used to those voices – however small – being heard and valued. I don’t understand people who think otherwise.

 

In days of yore, way back before I had kids, I was nanny to a HN child before I knew there was a term for it. We took a Kindermusik class for a couple of years and one of the things that I still have and use some 10 years later is a bookmark that I got that talked about language – how the words you use when talking about your child shape how other people see him, and how the words you use shape how your child sees himself. The bookmark had a list of words in one column that could either be neutral or negative, depending on the situation, and an alternative word in the second column with a more positive connotation; instead of ‘bossy’, you might describe your child as a ‘leader’. That sounds really easy, right? But it’s hard to do when you’re tired or stressed out and don’t have the vocabulary handy.

Over our years of homeschooling, I’ve expanded the ‘extra pages’ section of my planner to include various articles, charts and other bits of information that I want to use to help me be a better parent and teacher for my kids. The ‘positive adjectives’ list on this site has been extremely helpful to me to keep handy. Sites like SizzleBop  were great helps when my kids were younger, and though it’s changed formats several times through the years, it’s still a great place to find appreciation for the ‘highly distractable child’.

As far as using labels for children, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, the labels are a quick way to convey information. If I say to you, ‘My child has ADHD’, then you know (or should know) that lots of sit-down and be-quiet instruction isn’t going to help him achieve as much as he could with a few adaptations. As a teacher who understand this label and what it is intended to convey, you’d know to adapt how you’re teaching to help him learn and retain the information you’re presenting by including activities that work his body as well as his mind. But all too often, those labels also carry a negative connotation. Instead of conveying information, it too often condemns a child to a ‘box’. I’ve seen teachers check out when they hear a label, and that’s absolutely devastating to a parent to see.

There are negatives to labeling for parents as well. I’ve seen lots of parents who hear that their child has a label and just sort of … give up. They either don’t have access to, or don’t care about getting, more information so that they can help their child. Or, they might not believe the label (and plenty of children, esp. with ADHD are given the label without actually having ADHD) and so their child falls through the cracks.  Others, parents and teachers alike, can’t see past the label. The diagnosis takes over and that’s the only thing that people see. In either case, those kids need an advocate.

I get frustrated with parents who don’t advocate for their children. For children with a ‘label’, it means that we sometimes have to advocate a little more. We need to be educated, to network with other parents and build support networks for our children. We have to learn a little more, put a little extra effort into them. Our kids still have to function in the real world, so my goal (for both of my children) is to help them develop coping mechanisms that will help them function to the best of their ability. There are thousands of adults who learned to deal with various disorders as students – some in good ways, some in not-so-great ways. With today’s plethora of research and knowledge about how to help, we are in the best position possible to help our kids manage their needs in productive ways.

For my child, this has been a series of interventions, from very noticeable, to less overt as he’s gotten older. I’ve blogged about learning tools before, and about helpful bits I’ve picked up along the way several times over the years, but this is a topic that keeps coming up as more and more parents with ‘labeled’ kids choose homeschooling.

Warmly,
~h

 

 

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 142 other followers