Basically, yes, you can.
Ultimately, that’s the end result of my thoughts on ‘I can’t homeschool because…’. Whatever your objection, it can be overcome if the need is there. When it comes down to it, most of us homeschool because it is what’s right for our kids at the time. Or maybe what we were doing with/for them wasn’t working and we needed a change, and homeschooling is a step towards an as-yet-undefined ‘something different’; but either way, it’s usually because we want something better for our kids than what they were getting before. So yes; if the need is there, you absolutely can homeschool your kid(s).
But just for funsies, I thought I’d break it down into specific objections.
THOUGHTS ON ‘PATIENCE’
‘Girl… I don’t know how you do it. I have zero patience; I’d lose my mind if I had to be cooped up with my kids all day, every day!’
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten some variation of that comment. It’s frustrating to me, because I also have zero patience, and frequently wonder if I am, in fact, losing my mind. It’s also annoying to me, and probably to other homeschooling parents as well, because it implies that we have some kind of handle on things that other people don’t – and that assumption/implication is SO FAR from the truth that I just #literallycanteven.
I am not a patient person. I am, in fact, the living embodiment of Impatience. I am easily frustrated and frequently have to take ‘mommy time outs’ for all of our sanity. Having no patience is not a ‘reason’ that homeschooling can’t work for you. Knowing your limits, getting into better touch with who you are as a person and what you need, and incorporating that into your week is key. I say ‘week’, because ‘day’ isn’t always possible. Balance over the course of a week is much easier to gauge and maintain than it is to try to balance every day, and most of us can take a couple of hard days (even in a row) as long as we get some down time after that. Same in homeschooling.
Personally, I need time away from my family quite frequently. Even my Loverly Husband, whom I’ve dedicated my life to, bugs the crap out of me if we’re forced to spend too much time together – that’s human nature, and children are the very embodiment of ‘human’: selfish, compassionate, irritating, kind, argumentative, adorable littles copies of the person I see in the mirror every morning. I love them so much I could squish them into itty-bitty pieces and put them in my pockets… but they make me insane and I just need to escape them, and that’s okay. Headphones are a staple in our homeschooling day – for me, and for the boys. Headphones let us all be absorbed in the work we’re doing without distraction. It gives us ‘privacy’ in the presence of the others in the room. The kids have the entire house to school in; they don’t need to be under my feet to get their work done. They check in with me when they need help, or we work together if we’re covering new territory.
I also take needed ‘me’ time – writing group on Monday evenings, Mom’s Night Out and/or Brunch once a month or so with my friends, and even a lunch date most weeks. Involvement with our homeschool group is another way I pepper my day with conversation from other adults – both online and at weekly events. I volunteer/work, so I also have obligations that get me out of the house that aren’t related to my kids; so that helps, too. Which leads me to another objection:
THOUGHTS ON ‘I CAN’T BECAUSE I WORK’
I get it. Working a full-time job (or even a part-time job) makes homeschooling a little more difficult, especially with littles. Working parents often feel like the task of homeschooling seems impossible or impractical for their family. If that’s how you feel, then you might be right for your particular situation. But it may surprise you to know that a lot of parents who homeschool also have 8-5 jobs outside the home. Most would say that it’s not the ideal scenario, but it’s far from impossible, even if both parents work.
If you want to homeschool, or need to homeschool for your kids’ sake, there are strategies that you can employ to make it work. Flex-schooling is one. Basically, flex-schooling is school that isn’t done in the traditional ‘school day’ hours. Evenings, weekends, holidays – that’s where a lot of school gets done. Depending on your childcare situation, you can send work with them to be accomplished during the day and review it with them in the evenings. If the kids are older, then some combination of that might work. Organization and planning are key when your time is limited. Better organization and better planning means that your time with the kids is well spent. Talking with your kids about what to expect and what is expected of them is also key. If they’re older, then they might need to step their game up a bit and be able to work independently or help younger siblings with their work.
Another alternative is to drop to one income. For many families, this isn’t feasible, but for some it will be. Do the math – many find that whoever brings in the lesser income if often only paying for the things necessary to maintain the second parent’s job – a second car/insurance/gas, childcare and food expenses. Eliminating those expenses often means that one parents can stay home, making homeschooling a more viable/less stressful option.
We’ve done various combinations of these things. We have only one income, and one car. I work, but it’s on a volunteer basis even though it’s a ‘real job’. Flexible school days and hours work well for us; even into weekends and the wee hours of the night, since I am not a ‘morning person’. My kids get their work for the week on Mondays, and turn it all in on Fridays (ideally). It doesn’t always happen like clockwork, but that’s the plan, anyway. We’ve tried other things, and will try new things in the future, I’m sure. We make it work!
THOUGHTS ON ‘I DON’T MATH’ OR OTHER PERCEIVED PARENTAL EDUCATIONAL DEFICIENCIES
Basically, if you have a high school education, then you are well qualified to tackle homeschooling K-8th. Some might extend that through high school; I say at least through 8th grade. That’s where all your basics are – reading, writing, and arithmetic, and we all do those things every day. So we don’t all have training on how to teach a 6 year old how to read – that’s okay, because we have THE INTERNET, with literally all of the knowledge of mankind at our very fingertips, including myriad videos posted by school teachers with strategies they use in their classrooms that you can adapt for use with your child.
Every homeschooling parent (and honestly, everyone who wants to know something, period) I know uses YouTube as their go-to resource for learning how to do a thing. From learning Klingon or Elvish to diagramming sentences to building a primitive shelter from mud and bamboo to explaining string theory…. it’s all there. Just because you are their ‘teacher’ doesn’t mean that YOU have to do all the teaching. Combine internet resources with the knowledge and skills and abilities of other homeschooling parents in your area, and you may be able to establish a cooperative learning group where each parent teaches to their strengths.
Last but not least, there are guided textbooks and curriculum. If you can read it, you can teach it. With ‘say this’ guides to just plain reading and learning along with your child – just because you don’t know a thing doesn’t mean that you can’t facilitate your child learning how to do it.
THOUGHTS ON ‘I DON’T HAVE SPACE’
If you have a kitchen table (or even a TV tray), and a bookshelf, then you have space to homeschool; and besides – who said homeschool has to take place ‘at home’. It can be ‘yard-schooling’, ‘car-schooling’, ”grandma’s house-schooling’, ‘park-schooling’, ‘library-schooling’ – wherever you are, your kid can learn. Yes, it’s nice to have 15 acres of property and an old barn that’s been converted into your own personal little school house, but if space is your limiting factor, then you need to think outside the 4 walls of your hacienda.
Honestly, we don’t even ‘school’ at the table or desks even though we have a ‘school room’. Mostly, it’s sprawled on the bed, or couch or in the car on the go, or in the yard when it’s nice out.
THOUGHTS ON ‘I DON’T WANT MY KIDS TO BE WEIRD’
NEWSFLASH: Your kids are already weird.
Srsly though… yes, there are some people who are isolated and lack social skills. But you’ll find those people in public schools, too. That’s often more of a personality issue than an issue of where/how they were educated. Most homeschoolers are active in extra-curricular activities (sports, dance, martial arts), local community service activities, volunteering, and participating in classes offered during the day when most kids are stuck in school. Because homeschooled students are often interacting with the people in their communities, they’re not shy about walking up and striking a conversation with people of all ages. I don’t usually see the kind of uncomfortableness around the elderly, or scorn for younger kids among most homeschooled students that I know. High schoolers play with 5th graders and they’ll all talk with the janitor about his job and offer to help the lady put her bags in her car from the grocery store. Maybe they are weird – but this is the kind of weird I am totally okay with.
Socialization is always a ‘hot-button’ topic, but the rule comes down to this: If you don’t want your kids to be isolated hermits, then don’t BE an isolated hermit.
THOUGHTS ON ‘COLLEGE’
Did you know that colleges actively recruit homeschooled students? We’ve been doing this for 6 years now, and now that LBB is about to start high school, I have been getting emails from colleges all over the US, and even a couple in Germany who want my kids to enroll with them for dual credit courses. Many of them give preference to high school graduates who have gone through their programs when it comes to college admissions. Why? Because homeschooled students generally are interested in learning. They’re self-starters; motivated; driven; goal-oriented. Not every student, but the majority are. They’re not burned out on classroom activities; for many it’s a totally new experience. Because they’re used to working independently, they don’t have issues with getting their assignments done, and are more likely to actually read the material assigned and engage with the professor. Don’t take my word for it: Penelope Trunk, Online College, Stanford Alumni, Alpha Omega, Tech Insider, MIT Admissions… the list goes on.
Here’s the deal – we all do what we think is best for our kids, within the abilities we have and what circumstances allow. All of us, which includes you and me and the neighbor down the street. My situation is different from yours, and the neighbor’s situation is probably vastly different from either of ours… and we’re all just doing the best we can. The choice to homeschool everything to do what what you think is best for your kids/family at this time and within what your current circumstances allow. I say ‘at this time’ because I know a great many homeschoolers who either went into homeschooling with the plan to put their kids back in a brick-and-mortar school at some point, or whose kids eventually decided that they’d like to return to school (or try it out if they’ve never been). I know others who have had to make some shifts in their family dynamic and plans due to circumstances beyond their control, and others who gave it a try and found that it wasn’t a thing they wanted to do… and all of that is both fine and totally normal, and completely within the norm of ‘homeschooling culture’, because it’s not ‘about’ homeschooling – it’s about doing the best you can, in any given moment, for your children and family as circumstances allow.
Homeschooling isn’t ‘for’ everyone. It’s not possible for everyone, or even desirable. But if you want to do it, then there’s very likely a way to make it happen. Don’t let the ‘I can’ts because…’ stop you!
Around the mommy-blog world, there are several versions of the ‘mom confessions’ memes, from ‘bad mommy confessions’ and ‘lazy mommy confessions’ – I tend to think they’re funny, and accurate, which is why they’re so popular. While I am certainly not the first one to do a ‘homeschooling mom confessions’, I thought this was a great one to start off on a subject that always seems to come up… interruptions.
“So my confession is that we do a lot of short homeschool days so we can LIVE LIFE and ENJOY IT. I did not get into this homeschooling gig so I could sit at a table with my 5 kids from 8 a.m. until 8 p.m. pounding stuff into their brains.”
I love this confession – the entire idea that education is only valuable if it’s behind a desk or in a classroom, and/or that it has to take place during ‘normal’ schooling hours, is one of the stereotypes that homeschooling families deal with quite often. The idea of homeschooling as a highway to ‘super students’ is also a path fraught with unrealistic expectations and pressure that homeschooling moms often endure, even if that’s not their perspective or approach. Even if you’re a ‘relaxed’ homeschooler, the question still comes up: ‘What happens when real life gets in the way of your homeschooling plans?’
It happens to all of us sooner or later. No matter how well you plan, if you homeschool for any length of time, it’s inevitable – something WILL happen that takes your focus off school for a time. Things will be going well; you’re in a great routine and things couldn’t be better. You’re on-schedule, the kids are engaged, you feel like you finally have a handle on things… only to wake up one morning to find that you’re days or weeks off schedule, and wondering how you got there. Sometimes, the unexpected will be a small blip in your otherwise pristine homeschooling journey and you can jump back in without issue; other times, it’ll be a huge crevasse that will take weeks to finally get across and for things to stabilize again.
We all fall into ruts. My personal tragedy is the monotony of being a grown-up and doing ‘the things’. I’m horrible at over-scheduling myself and getting exhausted because I don’t take into consideration my need for solitude and quiet. I love being busy! But I also need time to re-charge and find my center again. I’m awful at striking balance, and have a really hard time building ‘me time’ into my schedule. I started this post a few weeks ago, having no idea how timely it would actually become. As I write, we’re approximately a week ‘behind’ on school work – partially because my work has recently become a little more time-consuming, but also because I’ve been a little under the weather and just plain tired; by the time I get around to working on desk work with the kids, I’m just not focused enough to keep them (or myself) on-task. That doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been ‘learning’ taking place. Times like this always present a challenge to my ordered nature – does it count as ‘real’ school if there are no worksheets or written work to prove it? I need quantification; it’s in my nature to want to see the data. But I know that’s not always a good measure of how much they’ve learned – I see it in my kids all the time. But knowing that doesn’t negate the desire to see it on paper.
Other times in the past, we’ve fallen behind our glorious yearly plan and schedule because there’s been some catastrophe or other real life issue that’s come up that I just have to deal with (like an unexpected plumbing nightmare, or illness in the family that takes precedence). We live in the South, so hurricanes are always a thread during the late summer/early fall season. We’ve thankfully not had to deal with those things recently, but if we did, the naive, ever optimistic homeschooling mom part of me likes to think we’d be prepared. The haggard, more realistic and experienced homeschooling mom part of me scoffs at this comment.
What happens when your attention is honestly focused elsewhere? For myself, there’s definitely a tendency to start with the self-blame and doubt – thinking that ‘if the kids were in school, they wouldn’t be falling behind’. But is that really true? I don’t think so; in fact, I am more prone to just skating by when there’s a stressful situation brewing. Think about it: as an adult, how much of your time is spent on autopilot; doing the bare minimum to get by that you absolutely have to do, without truly absorbing what you’re doing? Kids are no different; a move will be stressful – maybe even more so if they’re in school. An illness or sick relative will still be on their mind – what if it’s during a testing year/month? Are they going to be up to par if they’re worried and stressed about both things? I’d rather take the time necessary to deal with whatever needs handling, and return to our normal schedule when the distraction has passed that force a half-effort just to ‘get through the material’.
That said, there may genuinely be times where ‘getting through the material’ is called for, especially in cases where the distraction or situation is projected to be a long-term one, or something that isn’t quickly or easily resolved. In that case, doing the best we can with the options available is still the way to go, which may include considering options that wouldn’t otherwise be agreeable. I’ve said many times that I am not ‘anti-school’; if that was the best option for my kids, then I’d consider it.
But for most of us, distractions and interruptions are a part of life. They come and go. I’ve learned to accept them, and roll with them as best I am able. Depression and anxiety are issues that I deal with on a regular basis, so when I need to take time out, I do. Even though doubts still prey on my mind and my anxiety can get the better of me at times, I try ‘use my tools’, relax, and remind myself of the truths that I’ve come to know about homeschooling, especially in times of distraction or interruption:
- Learning doesn’t always have to happen at a desk.
- ‘Doing work’ doesn’t always mean that actual learning is taking place.
- I have time; this interruption will pass and we’ll get back to normal.
- We’re not in competition with anyone or any organization and are thus never truly ‘behind’.
- Our goals are for the kids to know how to study and learn; that’s not something that can be taught via worksheet.
- Our year-round schedule allows for ‘distractions’ and ‘interruptions’; we’re not off-track (even if the schedule says so – just fix it!)
- School isn’t limited to weekdays or daytime hours; we can make-up work on the weekend or in the evening if necessary.
What are your reminders that get you through distractions and back on schedule?
I think it’s time that we were finally honest about what we homeschooling moms really mean when we say, ‘Oh, ‘we homeschool’, especially when talking to our non-homeschooling compatriots. I mean, everyone knows that ‘it’s just the best option for us right now’ is too straight-forward and simple to be the truth. It has to be more complicated than that, right? So I thought I’d clear the air, for once and for all, with a list of the top five things that, though unsaid, are clearly lurking just below the surface of our not-so-innocent comment:
5. We’re craftier and better-organized than you.
Just look at our Pinterest boards if you don’t believe me. Or our blogs. Or our Pinterest board filled with pins from our blogs! And while you’re at it, check out our supply cabinets at home. With everything in it’s place, properly labeled, color-coded and alphabetized; it’s plain to see that homeschooling moms out-class you. Not only can we create a lesson plan that includes craft time, we’ve also allotted time for a healthy, organic snack (plated beautifully, or arranged to recreate either a beloved children’s book character or into a bento featuring whatever Disney feature Princess ranks #1 this week).
4.We’re way more patient than you.
We spend every waking moment with our kids. And we LOVE it. Every day, it is our utmost pleasure to not only be in the presence of, but engaging with our children; helping them understand the world and their place in it, and helping them make plans to change it for the betterment of mankind. We lovingly slave over difficult concepts like phonics, and long division, and Latin declensions just to give our blessed spawn a step up in the real world (with which they interact on a daily basis, unlike your child who is in a glorified jail!!). Our cups overfloweth with limitless time and attention to every detail of everything our kids say and do, and we’re never too tired or cranky to be fully supportive of and nurturing to our future leaders of humanity and industry.
We also do crafts with our kids; MESSY crafts, like papier-mache, with our kids. We let, nay, encourage our precious little angels to create messes. In fact, even our messes are better than yours; they’re artfully scattered and arranged in eye-pleasing heaps, so that you actually feel guilty for being judgmental when you read the (hand-home-made chic) sign that says, ‘excuse our mess, the children are making memories’. And we do glitter… WITH the kids. ‘Nuff said.
3. We care more about our kids’ education than you care about yours.
Obviously. Because how can you possibly be as involved as we are? And volunteering with your child’s school simply doesn’t compare – how could it? We literally have our fingertips on the very pulse of our children’s education; adding this and excluding that, studying into the wee hours comparing one curriculum with another, spending countless hours reading ahead and creating – not just ‘lesson plans’, but environments that foster total immersion into learning. Nothing can compete with that. NOTHING.
2. Our kids are smarter than yours.
And it’s all due to how much time and effort we’ve put into them. While our kids are solving complex equations by age 5, having in-depth discussions over the literary significance of Harry Potter by 3rd grade, and submitting this year’s next prize-winning science fair project at University level while still in middle school, your precious little pumpkin-head is still eating paste and making mud pies. The fact is, your kids could be this smart if only you invested in them more… which brings us to the number one thing that we’re really saying when we say ‘We’re homeschooling’:
1. We’re better mothers than you are.
That’s really it. I mean, this basically sums up all of the previous points in a nutshell – we are simply better at this whole parenting thing than you are. So suck it, poser!
At least, that’s what some people (most notably, non-homeschoolers with an inferiority complex) would have you believe. Obviously, the above is quite cheeky, and not an actual depiction of the unspoken meaning behind such a simple phrase. In reality, probably 90% of us truly are simply doing what’s best for our kids and family right now, and the vast majority of us are fine with changing what we do if/when the need or situation arises. The other 10% are either sanctimommies who give the rest of us a bad name, or have some other reason I can’t account for here. We’re not trying to challenge you or anyone else by homeschooling our kids; it’s just what we’re doing and your mileage may vary. And that’s fine. Honestly.
I’ve been accused of harboring most of the above points at one time or another, either outright or thinly veiled. As a mom who is just doing her best, comments or thoughts like these from ‘friends’ hurt. Especially when we are all supposed to be on ‘Team Mom’ in Solidarity. Just like other moms in various niche environments, I know that as a homeschooling mom, I have to watch things that I say that might be construed badly by the casual listener. I will absolutely admit that there have been times where I’ve said something in reaction that was divisive, or that made it sound like homeschooling is ‘better’ (I mean, it’s what we do, so of course I think it’s better… people don’t do the things they do because they think it’s the worst), but I try very hard to temper my enthusiasm for homeschooling (because most of the time, I actually do really enjoy it) with the slice of reality that is: homeschooling is NOT the right choice for every family. And the fact is, we may not always homeschool. We plan to homeschool throughout, but circumstances change, and if they do, I am not necessarily opposed to having my kids enrolled in a brick and mortar school again. But that doesn’t make one choice or the other ‘better’. The entire concept of ‘better’ is based on so many factors that are unique to each individual child, family, situation, options… a host of factors (most of which are probably unknown in casual conversation).
So the next time you hear a mom say, “We homeschool”, and you’re inclined to take that as some sort of slur or attack, check that urge and try listening to what they’re probably saying, which might be any number of things, including (but not limited to):
- we had issues with our child’s school/teacher/other students that weren’t getting resolved and this is what’s best for us right now
- my child has learning disabilities or other special education needs that weren’t being addressed or handled by the school and this is what’s best for us right now
- we have odd scheduling or other family/situational factors that make this the best choice for our family right now
- we have fundamental issues with the public education system and thankfully, we’re in a situation that means that this is what’s best for us right now
- I/my spouse/my child or other person in our life has medical issues that make this the best option for us right now
- I’d love an alternative, but our options are limited, and so based on available options, this is what’s best for us right now
- my child has athletic or other area of study/expertise that require a non-traditional educational schedule, which makes this the best choice for us right now
- We travel a lot, or are only in this area for a limited time due to work or other factors, which makes this the best option for us right now
- I didn’t realize this was a competition; you do you and we’ll do what’s best for us right now
(This post was inspired by Rants From Mommyland’s ‘Domestic Enemies’ series.)