Homeschooling is Hard
If you’d asked me when we started what the hardest part of homeschooling was, I’d have probably said something about the curriculum, or confidence. At the beginning of last year, it would have been ‘fitting everything in’ or making sure that they didn’t have too many gaps in their education’ – again confidence related with maybe a little scheduling thrown in.
Ask me now, going into our third year, what the biggest challenge of homeschooling is and I say it’s the time commitment; the never-ending constancy of being ‘on’. As either Mom or Teacher, I am on-stage from the moment they wake up in the morning to whenever they finally fall asleep in the evenings (despite the fact that bedtime is at 8PM and not including the occasional during-the-night call to action). I do normally get up around the same time Loverly Husband does in the morning since the kids have started sleeping a little later in the mornings – that gives me a little bit of coffee time alone – but not much.
When my kids were little, I was wholeheartedly committed to the principles of attachment parenting. I remember the kids pre-school years as fun and full of joy, and at that point, we were planning to homeschool so there was no change of scenery in sight. I was happy with that plan, but if I’m honest about it, I admit that there were lots of days that I was exhausted, overwhelmed and in desperate need of a nanny, a maid, and an all-expense-paid vacation to somewhere with sparkling sand and cabana boys.
As much as I enjoy my life, and I do recognize that compared to some situations out there my life has been nothing but roses, there have definitely been a couple of breaking points over the years that meant major changes for our family. These changes were needed, but probably should have been addressed sooner than they were. Once they were made though, the benefit to our family happiness was noticeable.
Never one for a pristine-clean house, when the kids were little it was pretty much always a disaster area. With little ones running around, it was really hard to keep them entertained and out of trouble long enough to get any real cleaning done, and whatever I cleaned, they’d messy again when I was in the hallway putting the cleaning supplies away. Since the kids were my priority, the house suffered. When PeaGreen was about 3 and a half or so, after a fight with my Loverly Husband, we finally got on a good housekeeping schedule (and the mighty Household Bossy Book was born). He and I both had roles to fill and after discussing what we had, and what we wanted to change, we were both more aware of the responsibilities that came with keeping up ‘our family’s’ home. It belongs to both/all of us, and though I don’t mind a larger portion of the housekeeping being heaped onto my plate since I am here, even LH and the kids have their ’chores’.
Another breaking point came when the kids started school. I was working (unpaid), trying to get a doula business off the ground, and dealing with the constant in-and-out of school, homework, being an active PTO member and volunteer – it was a lot. Since I was gone so much, it was harder to keep up with all the housekeeping myself, and so the Bossy Book got re-vamped, with the kids taking on larger responsibilities as chores. Then, due to a variety of circumstances, including a tragic miscarriage, I decided to put my personal career goals on hold, and soon after that we started homeschooling.
One of the benefits to having the kids in school though – and one that I miss greatly at times – is the amount of time that I had to myself. From 8AM to almost 3PM, even though I was still ‘on call’ for the kids if needed, it’s not the same as having them underfoot all day, every day. The initial adjustments to homeschooling were all about the good – it was such a welcome change from what we had been dealing with that the day-to-day hadn’t set in yet. Even as much as a year or so later, I think we were still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase.
A couple of months ago, I reached another breaking point. I was ready to quit; even went so far as to look up enrollment information for the kids to go back to school. Part of me was dead serious about it. Part of me was indulging in a fantasy. I was having a super bad day/week, and anything that wasn’t ‘here’ and ‘me’ was better than what we had going on – being stuck in a rut and not knowing how to get out of it. And of course, the reality that going back to school would not solve any problems; in fact, it would only add new and more awful ones to my already stressed-out plate. And so again, a necessary argument discussion with Loverly Husband about what we had and what was and what was not working was called for. He actually had a day off planned that week, and normally when he’s home, we’re off. But after discussing it, we decided to have school anyway, and let him see how things normally went.
Having a visitor for the day was a good thing*. Having Dad here to actually experience the way that we normally do school and the tactics that our (brilliant, clever and witty) kids have developed to circumvent my methods actually did help. I don’t typically harp on ‘discipline’ with my kids, but this is one area where lack of discipline (meaning ‘adherence to a structure’ and ‘self-discipline’ rather than ‘punishment’) was lacking. Instead of sticking to scheduled time frames, I was allowing pleading and negotiation when there really shouldn’t be any. School work is not negotiable (unless it is – in which case, it is presented as such) and is not up for discussion. That’s not to say that I don’t take their wants and needs into consideration; anyone who works with kids knows that in general, they are comfort-led. They’d rather take the easy route and that’s usually not the same as hitting the books (minor note here about child-led learning; I prefer a more parent directed approach until the basics are covered and their foundation is strong, after which their education will be more interest and strength fine-tuned. YMMV {wink}). Having Dad here to see how things work (and don’t) was a big help; his level of understanding what my day is/can be like, while still not the same as being the primary teacher, is better after having been involved all day. His suggestions and discussion with the kids, as well, helped bring us back to an even keel.
Another facet of this multi-layered issue is me. I have/suffer from/deal with clinical depression issues, and though I wouldn’t normally describe myself as an anxious person, my current medication includes an anti-anxiety component that I am finding extremely helpful. I have been on and off of medication in the past and have known for some time that I needed to go back on them. I did last month and things have been improving. Adjusting to new medication is kind of like a box of chocolates; I’ve been fortunate that my side effects are few and manageable.
Just to clarify, this post isn’t just griping about homeschooling. My point in posting this is to dispel any notion of the ‘homeschoolers are perfect’ style stereotypes and to illustrate how we work through problems in our family. We’re launching into the beginning of our school year, so I wanted to present an open look at what homeschooling can be like on the inside.
Yesterday was our first day back, and we’ve made some adjustments for this year. We generally have an enjoyable routine, though there have been bumps (and will yet be more in the future), we are committed to homeschooling. Helping everyone in our family understand that, and what their roles are, is key to successfully navigating home life – and homeschooling.
Warmly,
~h
* for clarification purposes: calling Loverly Husband/Dad a ‘visitor’ is not meant to imply that he’s not an active part of our homeschooling. As a homeschooling mom, I require his support and participation – but his primary role in our family is provider; mine is child and household care – that’s just the division of labor. Though we both weigh in on the kids’ education, that also is primarily my responsibility to manage. Use of the term ‘visitor’ only implies that he is not normally physically present in day to day schooling with us.
Eating in the Raw
We’re trying something new… new year, new habits, new ideas… it’s a good time for that kind of thing. I figure since the world is apparently ending in a little less than a year, it’s time to make some (good) things happen, right?
A few months ago, my Loverly Husband decided that he wanted to do this ‘forage’ style meal plan. It’s not a full-on ‘raw foods‘ or vegan/vegetarian thing, but similar – more low-key than that, really. It’s more about simplicity than it is about buying into the ‘lifestyle’ that is usually (albeit stereotypically) associated with such a diet. His idea includes no meal planning, just having fresh foods on-hand to consume quickly and as easily as possible whenever hunger strikes.
Now, if you know anything about me from reading here, I can imagine that one of the things that jumps out at you is my penchant for planning all things with zero moderation. My Loverly Husband, who has known me since Kindergarten, could not possibly have failed to notice this trait, and yet somehow thought that I would be just dandy with it. Not.
Well, that was a few months ago, and I have to admit that the idea has grown on me. We’ve always kept kid-friendly foods on hand and the boys have been fixing their own breakfast most of the time for years now. To carry this trend over into lunch and dinner isn’t that much of a stretch, practically speaking. Admittedly, this laissez-faire, go-with-the-flow attitude might have something to do with my current/new-again-as-of-yesterday medication, which has blessedly made my previously over-stressed state a thing of that past, but whatever the reason, I really have gotten on-board with the whole idea.
I admit that the simplistic aspect appeals, but so does the idea that such a diet would lend aid towards health and weight-loss endeavors. As we launch into a new year, I once again have all these aspirations of weight loss and exercise; maybe putting a diet/lifestyle into place that supports those goals will create a whirlpool of success? In any case, I put on my Optimism Hat and tried to figure out how I can satisfy my own need to over-plan and still follow this simple idea.
Upon scavenging Pinterest for ideas, I discovered that there are literally hundreds of recipes out there for raw/vegan approximations of foods we normally eat (minus the meat and cooking, of course). Since we’re not going all out vegan, I think that small changes here and there with an eye towards that as a goal will be easier to accomplish and less traumatic, gastronomically speaking. Following a recipe does require some planning though, so I think it’s possible to satisfy my need to plan while still meeting the raw/vegetarian-ish goals.
And so it was that I decided that starting today, when I go grocery shopping this afternoon, it will be with the following goals in mind:
- stay in the produce section as much as possible
- plan on whatever actual cooking to be done is vegan-ish (with the exception of perpetual soup/bone broth which is going on to cook this afternoon)
- to refrain from being tempted by processed foods and junk
- keep the basket filled with only what can be consumed by the four of us in the course of a few days (this will be a challenge because I am used to planning and shopping for two weeks at a time)
We start school again next week. Wish me luck!
Warmly,
~h
P.S. It occurs to me after looking over my list that it’s not terribly ‘vegan/vegetarian’. But considering that virtually every meal for the past.. all of eternity has revolved around whatever meat-main-course and my current shopping list contains ’2 whole chickens’ instead of 10-12 meats for four, I’m calling that progress.
P.P.S. And in case you were wondering, I am not one of those ‘save the animals’ PETA people. I fall more on the ‘meat is tasty murder’ side of the fence, supported by the presence of both canine teeth (for ripping, shredding) and molars (for grinding and mashing) in humans, which (to me) indicate that humans are omnivores and therefore are designed to consume flesh.
Girl’s Weekend Out
This past weekend, I got to take off with the girls for a couple of days Ren Festing it in Plantersville, TX. As much as I love my darling children and Loverly Husband, being a homeschool mom means that opportunities to pamper myself with time away from them are few and far between. I’ve been in a funk lately and this kind of break was very much needed.
If you haven’t been to a renaissance faire before, I highly recommend that you check one out, and if you are so fortunate to live near enough that you can attend Texas’ version, then you should most definitely put that on your list of Things To Do. Like our reputation suggests, in Texas, we do it bigger, and Ren Faire is no exception.
The Texas Ren Fest is one of the largest in the US, with 65 acres of Renaissance Goodness to be had. There are games, food and assorted craft vendors, plus tons of live entertainment – and the best part of all is the people-watching. From the elegantly made up professionally fancy-dressed staff to your average Joe and Jane with every culture and genre under the sun represented, the people-watching portion of the day is one of my favorites. We saw drag queen Geishas, a family of satyrs, gypsies and belly dancers, plenty of nearly-nude-but-for-chain-mail-clad barbarians and fur-covered Celts, elaborately costumed English Lords and Ladies, a Star Trek away team, a couple of Nazgul, Hobbits and Wizards and more than a few winged fey. Each weekend is a theme; this was the Highland Fling weekend, celebrating Scottish Culture, so there were many, many kilted men to oogle (and plenty to quickly look away from lest you see something you might wish you hadn’t). We joined the fancy dress fun as a band of gypsies complete with bells and coined skirts. Apparently, Saturday (Nov, 12) was a record-setting day, attendance-wise, with the most visitors on a single day, ever. How fun to be a part of that!
We truly had an awesome time. We walked and shopped, saw some shows (Tartanic (shirtless, sweaty men with bagpipes and drums *swoon*) and Sound and Fury (Testacles and ye Sack of Rome) stand out as the most memorable) and munched on tasty snacks – oh, so very much fun was had by all! Pictures! (Disclaimer: none of them were taken by me!)
Originally, our plan was to camp, but with the wildfires scouring the land (and they are bad – we saw acres of burned woods and dead trees on our drive out there), there are burn bans in effect pretty much everywhere, which makes camping not as much fun so we opted to hotel it instead. I don’t often get to do things like this without the kids, but when I do it’s always nice to come back home relaxed and in a better frame of mind. That said, I freely admit that I’m already looking forward to the next one!
Warmly,
~h
Workboxes, Week 1
Well, we’re almost through our first week with workboxes. We’ve actually completed all of the boxes every day so far (though I did change ‘health’ to ‘chores’ yesterday – kinda cheating, I know, but I was ready for school to be done).
I haven’t decided exactly how I feel about them yet. I’m thinking that we’ll give it another week and see how it goes. I am almost sure that the actual ‘box’ part is just adding an extra/unnecessary step; I’ve seen several versions of workboxing mods that use a single box or bin with manilla mailing envelopes to hold the work, and others that use hanging files, covered cereal boxes, and lots of other methods. Since we’re so limited on space, I am wondering if something like that might be better.
I am also going to have to figure out something else to do with the ‘done’ cards or tags… the process we have now feels like a bunch of extra steps that might be eliminated. I saw several people using velcro dots on the fronts of boxes (or on a sheet of paper inside the front of the box) to hold all the tags; I’m thinking that I might want to try that instead. I do like the chore cards though, so I may play around with that and see if I can come up with a better way to manage them. We have a chore chart in the hallway that I made months ago; we may go back to that style for a while.
Overall, I’m not sold on the system for us, but there are some things I like about it, so I’m not ready to scrap it just yet. I thought I’d do a pros and cons list this week and then re-evaluate next week. In the interests of disclosure, I will say that I have not read Sue Patrick’s book (creator of the workbox system), or attended any kind of lecture or class on them. I’ve just been reading about them since last year and checking out all the different mods and tweaks that I’ve seen in blogs and put my system together from what I’ve read. That may very well do Ms. Patrick a huge disservice, so please take my two cents on the matter with a spoonful of salt. {wink} I like the idea of the workboxes system. Ideally, it seems like allowing the kids to be completely responsible for their work makes me happy. I just don’t know how that will work out practically speaking with my kids.
Pros:
- I like that having a weeks worth of plans laid out in advance helps me see where things are missing; I’m planning better and even though it’s still taking a while, the day is well-rounded.
- I like that I can also see where I am harping on ‘work’ and not adding in enough ‘fun’ stuff; workboxing it helps me make sure to include fun stuff at even intervals during the day.
- I like that everything is done the night before; I can just say “okay, time for school” and they’re set.
- We’re getting a CRAPLOAD of stuff done! I am impressed with the number of completed assignments that they’re turning in every day.
- it takes up a lot of space – the whole time; from storing packed boxes, to while they’re working on an open box, to boxes they’re saving for homework and boxes that they’ve completed. I’ve got boxes everywhere.
- the packing process takes a long time – not so long that it’s prohibitive, but long enough that I can see myself getting bored with it in the near future. I’ll want to pack them, but slack, then feel stressed about it in the morning.
- it’s not saving us ANY time. My kids still dawdle. The only benefit here is that I can say, “Okay, time’s up. Pack your things back into the box and set it on the side of your desk. That’s homework.” But then I still have to oversee homework. Le sigh.
- Even though we have the shoe-box sized bins, they’re still not big enough to hold workbooks or larger materials. Even their journals and notebooks get curved into the bottoms of the boxes.
- I’m also concerned about long-term wear and tear on the boxes, themselves. They’re dollar-store boxes, but that was still $24 on box. If I upgraded to heavier boxes or wider ones, that will be an even bigger expense.
One of these days, I’ll stop ‘getting’ organized and just BE organized.
I am generally an organized person by nature. I know that some of my friends might not believe this, but my mad organizing skillz comes in cycles. I start out super organized and stick with that for a while, then I start slacking a bit, here and there, then feel the carefully greased wheels of my life start slipping out of control and reign it back in again by getting re-organized. Rinse and repeat.
I have also noticed that there are times of the year at which I feel the need to take stock and make sure that what’s on the books is what really works for me and for my family in both our personal lives and our homeschooling one. The process of organizing things is centering to me. It’s empowering because I feel like I am taking control of things and putting myself back in the driver’s seat – being proactive instead of reactive; all good things in my world.
About, oh… 7 years ago or so, I was all church-y and fell in love with the ‘Managers of Our Home’ thing. Between that and FlyLady, I created a pretty in-depth household management journal. I’ve used it off and on over the past several years, most recently when the boys were in school last. When we started homeschooling, we kinda dropped everything and I realized while browsing Pinterest’s organizational awesomeness pins exactly how far we’ve come from being so on-top of things in the house.
Recognizing the lack, I’ve been working on bringing my binder up to date and though I still have some sections to bring current, the bulk of the journal is workable with minor updates here and there. Presenting {insert fanfare}: My updated and newly revised
Household Master Bossy Book!
Isn’t it perty? As much as I wish I could take credit for the ‘bossy book’ name, I must credit my dear friend SFK for this apt moniker. “Bossy Book” has become the nomenclature of choice for all planner-type books and calendars in our circle of friends.
{Quick Page-Border Tutorial}
I created the border by:
- Google ‘page borders’ or something like that and finding pictures that I like
- open a MSWord doc and set the margins to the ‘narrow’ pre-set
- then I paste the picture in, and sized it to the page
- then I clicke ‘insert shape’ and put a box over the textable area
- right-click box and select ‘table properties’
- set the color to ‘no color’ and transparency to 100%
- then I right click the box and select ‘add text’
- save the document with a descriptive name
I have a folder full of them. When I want to use it, I open the document that has the border I want and add whatever text and pictures, then click ‘save AS’ (very important to choose SAVE AS instead of save – this will create a NEW document in your files) and the folder I want it in. Once the new doc is saved, I close both documents, and when asked if I want to save the changes to to original, I click ‘no’, that way the original border is still there.
And, if you like my page, you can have one of your very own: Household Master Bossy Book Cover There’s no name, so you can run it through your printer and add your own or write it in and make it spectacular.
Back to the book tour:
I wrote that on the picture, then thought about the other kinds of info that might be in the book and decided that I wouldn’t necessarily want my Bossy Book to be open to someone who was babysitting. Then again, if I trusted someone with my kids, surely I could trust them with personal info, right? Of course, we haven’t ever used a ‘baby sitter’, so that’s kind of a moot point. If you want a ‘babysitter info’ page though, there is one here. There are other printables, too.
The picture on the left is this one, 1955 Rules for a Good Wife. I found it years ago and it’s as funny as it is frustrating/offensive. I’m glad times have changed!
The Daily Routines section houses all of my schedules and master lists of where we should be and what we should be doing.
The routine pages and concept are modified from the ideas at FlyLady.net. I joined FL for about 3 days, but the program didn’t fit me as it was then. I think it’s changed in recent years, I haven’t been back lately to see the updates. I got what I needed from the site and tweaked it to suit my own needs. If you’re really struggling to get a handle on things, then I would recommend FL – reading the site if not joining. There really is a lot of good motivational and get-started info there.
After photographing, I noticed that there are marker tracks on a lot of my pages (that’s why they look pink – they’re not). I keep the most often used pages in plastic page protectors and a (red) dry erase marker in the book (clipped to one of the rings). I use the marker to cross off things that are done, or that don’t apply for that day. I love lists, so this methods works for me IN SPADES. Plus, seeing a page full of ‘done!’ gives me a happy.
I used to keep my book open and in a central location. That used to be in the living room, but in recent months, it seems like our center is the kitchen, so that’s where I think I’ll keep it for now. Once it gets cooler and we can be back in the school room, I’ll probably move it in there.
Several of the lists are the same thing, just organized differently. I don’t use every list every day; the main ones I use are the daily routines and the 8-week plan. I didn’t take a picture of mine because the print is too small to show up, but mine is modified from Donna Young’s website; the Housework .doc format that I got from her site is the one I still use and it’s editable. I customized my version, but kept it all to one page.
The eight-week plan is basically one thing each weekday that is a little harder or out of the normal routine (like decluttering a high-traffic area, or clearing off the top of the refrigerator, or cleaning out a closet). At the bottom of the page is a yearly to-do – things like wardrobe inventory, holiday decorating, birthday planning and flipping the mattresses.
Yay for color coding! This is another list that I refer to often. I actually have two of them – one that’s arranged by person and one that’s arranged by day of the week. I do a lot of time-juggling right now, and I know that in the past, I didn’t feel as time-stressed. I am hoping that keeping this in mind will help eliminate that stress to some degree. The links are downloadable and customizable documents so you can have your own micro-management fixation, too.
The AM and PM Chores list is another ‘frequently used’ list. With sections for all of us, and things organized ‘daily, monthly’ weekly and yearly’, it’s a handy reference.
Chores – Instruction How-to List - this is an editable older version of our list. You can download and make changes to reflect ‘your way’ of doing things.
Yay for lists! A whole section dedicated to lists. A lot of my lists have been modified from Donna Young’s website, others from Microsoft Word’s templates and various others from random places on the web that I found eons ago and don’t remember now. I’ve tweaked and edited all of them, or just flat-out re-made them to suit my own needs. If you have time and a printer, you can make your own.
When I was making my book the first time, I kept blank notebook pages with titles on top (a suggestion from FlyLady if I remember correctly) and wrote down things on that page that I though I would use/need/refer to over the course of a couple of weeks so that I would have a really good idea of what worked and what didn’t when I actually made the permanent page. That was a really useful suggestion, and one that I recommend.
My inventory lists are downloadable and customizable: Refrigerator & Freezer Panty Household Items
These lists are extensive and not necessarily a list of what we keep on-hand. They’re also older; some of the things we used years ago, we’ve phased out in favor of better/more nutritious/greener alternatives, and some of the things we use now are not on these lists (I work from two computers - different versions of the files are on different computers). My book’s inventory pages are undergoing revision in the coming days and weeks. I’ll try to come back and update this post with my revised lists.
Another thing that I like about having the nutrition information on hand is that when I am dieting, I can easily plan what I am going to order before leaving home. Not all restaurants have their nutrition info available online, but some you can request a copy by mail from and others have sheets available in the restaurant if you ask.
More printables for you: Family Meeting Budget Worksheet Media Out/In Log (to keep track of things you lend out and thing you’ve borrowed)
Our medial record section has an info sheet (will update this post with that later) that is filled out and printed and kept in a page protector. I use sticky-notes to update most recent visit dates and other info that changes frequently. I punch holes in prescription info pages from the pharmacy and keep them in the binder, as well as all current physician info and insurance info. I also keep a copy of the boys’ vaccine exemption paperwork and notebook paper to log recent health notes for each person in our family. (TX vaccine exemption affidavit request page; for other states vax exemption info click here)
What!? Shut up; I like lists.
So. That’s my book. Any questions?
Now, I showed you mine… {leering suggestively}. But don’t send me dirty pictures. I just wanna see your Bossy Book and scavenge for ideas. Feel free to link to your blog, especially if you have pictures, links and printables!
Warmly,
~h
The Mom I Am vs. The Mom I WannaBe
So I’ve been thinking about ‘celebrating the mom I am’ in response to an article over at Mothering Magazine. I love this article. I could have written it (in a ‘standpoint-wise’, not ‘talent-wise’ sort of way, I mean).
I try. All of us here in our house try. We wake up almost daily with yoga, meditation and reminders to be kind to each other. I need these things as much as the kids do!
Overall, I am pretty happy with the kind of mom I am. I know my strengths and am mostly fair about acknowledging my weaknesses, but there are always ‘those’ moms out there who make everything look so darn easy. I hate them as much as I envy them.. even while I know that the image they present is probably not the length and breadth of their mothering, it still stings a little when I see someone I perceive to be doing a better job than I am.
Along those lines is the ever-patient mom who never wants to be away from her kids. Her older kids, I should say. Lately, I’ve been contemplating the way I feel when I leave my children somewhere – at Gramps’ house or on rare opportunities to go out with the Girls and leave the kids home with Loverly Husband. As much as I needed to be with them when they were small and did not want or feel like I required time away from them as babies, I really need to be without them sometimes now. As a militant strong advocate of attachment parenting, this is an odd feeling to have.
I have joy when I get to go somewhere without them. The pure glee of being able to think only of and for myself is so nice… and I am at odds, emotionally with this feeling. Mentally, I see it as a developmentally appropriate step, and also a sanity-saving one. I love my Loverly Husband to bits and pieces, but put us in a small space for a prolonged period of time and he bugs the ever-loving snot out of me. My children, though part of me, are no less individuals – whole people – who, at times, are very, very annoying people. Like any other person, there does come a time when I wish to divest myself of their company for a while.
I’m a better mother – and homeschool teacher – when I have time away. I think that the time/togetherness factor is a big one for homeschooling parents. Other parents get 7+ hours, 5 days a week during the school year to re-group. I think that’s a little much for me; I’d be content with a few hours, consistently, once a week or so. When my kids were small, my sister and one of our friends had a babysitting co-op that we did every Monday. I am seriously considering looking for people to do this with again. Funny, I didn’t realize how seriously I was considering that until I typed it out – but I guess I am.
I think that part of celebrating the mom I am also entails looking for areas where I need to improve and taking steps to do so. I’ve mentioned before doing the Non-Violent Communication Workbook, and have been putting it off. In recent months, my grandmother’s health has been deteriorating, so my parents are moving in with her. This is an understandably difficult transition for all of them, but the dysfunctional communication that I’ve always known was there is rampant.
It’s ugly.
It’s harsh – and I realized that that’s how I sound when I talk to my kids sometimes. Talk about an eye-opener. Plus, as cycles are wont to do, I’m starting to see those communicative malfunctions in my kids. So in a Herculean effort to break this destructive cycle, we started the NVC Workbook together last week, as part of our school work. We’re on week one/chapter one, and I have another post in the works that details some of the chapter and workbook. So far, so good; we made posters that detail the four main points of NVC: What do I see? Feel? Need? and How can you help (request for action)? We’ve been practicing, and it’s going to tale a while to change the pattern, but it’s worth the effort to do so.
I’ve also been upping my meditation time. I have a space in my new bedroom that is dedicated to such internal musings, and I am making daily use of it. I’ve also been working on the 60 Ways to Nurture Myself list, trying to implement at least one daily; more if possible.
What about you? What does ‘being comfortable with the mom you are’ mean to you?
Warmly,
~h
Real Moms Kill the Mommy Wars
It seems like a lot of my favorite bloggers are writing about their various frustrations with the ‘mommy wars’ lately. The Feminist Breeder, The Stir, and Smrt Mama all have written thought-provoking pieces, and so I (never one to miss a bandwagon) thought I’d chime in with my thoughts as well.
I keep hearing all this noise about the ‘mommy wars’ and I have to say that the ONLY place I ever hear about it is in the media. Absolutely NO ONE that I know in real life has ever so much as alluded to being in competition with moms who work, or stay home, or use day-care, or don’t. In my community*, the moms support each other, they help where they can, and at the end of the day, they’re just too damn tired to worry about what Mrs. Smith/Jones/Wilson down the street is doing with her kids.
In the course of an average day, I may have any or all of the following things on my mind:
- feeding the children
- cleaning up after the children
- helping the children learn to clean up after themselves
- helping that behavior become a habit (can they not SEE that the kitchen trash can is FULL??)
- housekeeping
- keeping the fridge and pantry both clean and stocked
- educating the children
- keeping my Loverly Husband interested
- providing social opportunities for my children
- not letting clinical depression get the best of me
- why are the only bathroom smell options I am allowed limited to dirty socks-and-pee or bleach?
- motivating myself to do any of the 20 things that need to be done rightfreakingnow
- I really need to go visit my parents and my grandmother
- laundry
- my NYE resolutions
- planning next week’s lessons/activities
- I need to go have coffee with my friends
- I really want to work in my art journal
- sorting things into keep, sell, donate and throw-away piles
- family nutrition
- community service
- recent community events
- recent global events
- how to help
- how to talk to my kids about them and teach my kids to help
- I need coffee
- the song that’s stuck in my head
And that’s only a small sampling. I certainly don’t have time to even notice what Suzy Homemaker and Janice the Attorney are doing with their kids, much less worry about or compare. I take it on faith that she’s doing the best she can with the resources that she has available to her. If that means family that help her out or a nanny in the budget – well, more power to her. If she’s a single mom, struggling to make ends meet and ensure that her kids are fed and bathed (and must endure others taking on those tasks while she works a crappy job and goes to school for a few years so she can ultimately provide a better life for herself and her kids), then rock on, you hard-working, brass-balled WOMAN. Yeah!
Media portrayal of mothers at each other’s throats is a fantasy. It’s an unrealistic stereotype that grown ups don’t have time for. Every mother sees huge cracks in the persona that she presents to the world, and every. single. mom. has regrets and guilt over the paths that she did take and the ones she didn’t. Suzy Homemaker looks cool as a cucumber and so well-put together. Her kids hang on her and she rises above it all like the Empress of Compassion and Patience. In reality, she’s frazzled. She desperately wishes that she had a few moments to herself and could afford a pedicure. Janice the Attorney looks great in her power suit and can delegate without missing a beat. But you’ll never see her cry about missing Little Johnny’s first smile or steps or first day of school – instead, she has to hear about it from someone else. You also don’t see the boss in the background, or the snide remarks from the child-free that she endures because she dared to have a child instead of focusing on her career. And Sally Single Mom misses out on everything – at least for a while – without bitching-n-moaning about it. She doesn’t have time to complain, or worry what you think or say because she has precious few hours with her kids and she’s going to make the most of them.
Surely you see that these are stereotypes. Furthermore, I think they’re media-influenced stereotypes and that no one fits them for real. In truth, there are benefits and drawbacks to any course of action or choice as a parent. Being a stay at home mom is great. I love it 99% of the time. But it’s a lot of work, and it works for me. It may or may not work for you. Or for her. Or for them. And that’s fine. She loves working – it’s fulfilling in ways that I don’t understand (because that’s not my personality); and she doesn’t ‘get’ why on earth I’d choose to be home with the kids all day, every day. I don’t get why she’d put up with the double-duty of nurturing a career and child-rearing. That doesn’t mean that we don’t want the same things for out kids, or that we’re not both actively working to provide those things for our families in the best ways we know how.
So that’s my take. Real moms, be they work-for-pay or stay-at-home, send the kids to pre-school or homeschool through high-school, full-time or (is there really another option??), in sweats or Chanel – REAL MOMS don’t have time for mommy war crap.
Warmly,
~h
*perhaps I should clarify what I mean by ‘community’ here… I mean the intentional community of mothers (and fathers) that I have surrounded myself with; the wonderful mothers in my local playgroups, mothering support groups and homeschool groups, in the internet community and forums that I frequent and social networking groups I belong to; those from all walks of life, old friends and new ones, who support each other when their paths are on similar tracks and when life circumstances change and they find themselves on other tracks (planned or unplanned); when our choices and decisions mesh and when they don’t; where we’re all respectful of one another even when we disagree. This is not a community build without purpose, nor without effort. It’s taken years of dedicated and sincere women working together to create this space and I am so thankful to be part of it. If you’re one of those moms, then I say with absolute sincerity, ‘Congratulations. You effin’ rock.’
Bratty Kids: Tattling
“There is no such thing as a tattle tale‘ claims Kristin at Preschool Daze. Part of me disagrees with her vehemently; another part of me recognizes the wisdom and concern in that statement.
Yesterday was our monthly Park Day with our homeschooling group. We had our first ‘group birthday’ party, with cheesecake and singing (even though we mistakenly overlooked a couple of our lovely December babes – much love to Puddles and MamaT), which was fun and the beginning of a fun tradition, I hope. The kids played well together for about the first 5 minutes, then the whole thing went to hell in a handbasket. I don’t know why; maybe it was the weather or the alignment of planets – maybe they just missed each other and didn’t know how to handle the intense joy they were feeling at seeing each other again after so long – whatever it was, they were driving each other, and the mamas, absolutely starkers.
It’s a challenge, knowing when to let them work it out between themselves and knowing when to intervene. Today was a perfect example of an environment where there was no clear-cut ‘wrong-doer’. Each child involved could have altered his or her behavior slightly to help alleviate the tension. It’s frustrating as a mom to know that and see that, to suggest it and then watch your child completely ignore your suggestions on how they can personally, positively affect a situation.
Kids will be kids. I try to respect that, and not to let that bug me overmuch, even when they seem to be deliberately pushing my buttons. One of the down sides to having children who are used to being ‘heard’ is that when they feel that an injustice, however slight, is being done to them or a friend, they expect to be heard and justice restored. That’s worth something to me; to know that my children have the confidence to speak up and the expectation and confidence that the authority figures in their life will intervene in order to protect them. As frustrating as it can be to play referee, I value the behind-the-scenes processes that have created this confidence.
I’m sure you’ve seen Facebook’s current cartoon character meme:
‘Change your profile picture to a cartoon character from your childhood and invite your friends to do the same. Until Monday (Dec 6) there should be no human faces on Facebook, but an invasion of memories. This is a campaign to raise awareness for the need to stop violence against children.’
I don’t always play along with stuff like that, because I think that for the majority of people, ‘raising awareness’ is the end of their thought process. They do their part to appear fashionable without ever following that awareness with action. I said as much on my personal Facebook wall, and have been engaged in discussion with several friends about that. One of my friends, a new one whom I’m happy to claim as such, made the excellent point that as a parent her efforts to prevent violence against children begin with her own child. In raising her son in an environment with fully functioning and concerned parents, she is working to ensure the next generation will value the same.
From that perspective, yes; I am willing to play referee when the need arises. But then again, having siblings of my own, I know exactly how much effort can go into deliberately toeing the line of bugging the crap out of your sister/brother, which might get a verbal reprimand vs. outright bullying, which typically leads to more severe consequences.
I’ve also been keeping an eye on the ‘It gets better’ project, which is primarily a site to raise awareness for LGBT teens who may be enduring bullying, ridicule and other forms of outright abuse that life gets better as an adult. I’ve also seen it used to condemn bullying of any sort, and to encourage victims of bullying to seek help. Though none of our kids seem to be gay, they are all getting to the age of being more aware of sexuality and pairing up; LBB has a ‘girlfriend’ now, an even though it’s quite innocent, the girl in question’s mother and I have had extensive conversations between ourselves and with the children about what is appropriate and what is not. Interestingly, we’ve also both initiated conversations with our own younger children about teasing their older sibs about ‘liking’ someone an how hurtful that can be.
Anyone who ever thought that being a parent was an easy job is sorely mistaken. I was under the impression that it got easier as they got older and more independent; so far that’s not true. There are myriad nuances to helping them grown into caring, open-minded, responsible adults and I hope I am up to the challenge.
Warmly,
~h
Organized Mom is Disorganized This Week
… and by ‘week’, I naturally mean ‘month’. {sigh} I am playing catch-up in a major way… we’re 2 weeks into M6 and I just now printed out my reports for M5. (If you’re just tuning in, I use Homeschool Tracker’s Basic for record-keeping. We break for a week after every 6, and I print report cards because I am an obsessive-compulsive type who likes paper (as well as digital) reports to refer to when the need arises – and it does, often. More on that in a bit. If that’s not your bag, that’s cool – but you don’t get to make nasty comments… unless they’re funny. Funny, I can forgive {wink})
I’ve spent the last 2 or 3 weeks working with SFK and PB&JMom getting our homeschool group’s co-op planned and the calendar set for the next few months (and then coming home and updating the calendar and website). I thoroughly enjoyed myself throughout all stages of this event, but in working all of that, I have neglected my own planning. I have our 6 week arc down, but I do not have daily lessons planned for the entire mod as of yet. My poor lesson planner is nearly blank past this weekend, so I will be sitting down and filling the rest of that out over the weekend, I am sure. After all, how can we learn when we don’t yet know what we’re going to learn about?!
Something I have been meaning to address is, “How do you do everything that you do?”
This is a question I get asked often – or variations of. In the past month, I’ve been called everything from a ‘straight-up overachiever’ to an ‘android’… all in good fun, of course, but the question stuck with me. I’m sure it’s a compliment with a great deal of snark mixed in, but I get asked that often enough to want to answer it. I’m just never sure what to say that answers it without sounding like I’m either defending myself or bragging. So here goes…
First of all, I’d like to say that what I do is in no way a comment on what you do (or do not) do. My friends know this already, but I wanted to clear that up before I went any further. I’m hardly perfect and gleefully submit to pointings-out of my faults, but as Patchfire says in SmrtLernins’ Secular Homeschool Archetypes: The Organized Mom,
Organized Mom doesn’t know how not to be organized…
Truer words, my dear… truer words. I love Smrt Mama’s homeschooling archetypes post. I can easily identify myself. I could front and say that’s not me, but we all know it is, lol.
I don’t think it’s so much about the ‘how’ as it is the ‘why’. As I said, I’m an obsessive compulsive type who likes information in duplicate and in multiple formats (in case of a fire… or hurricane… or alien invasion…y’know. Whatever). I do not like surprises; the rare exception to that is if you can manage to keep me from detecting even a hint of it. Such a feat has only been accomplished once, and all credit to BFF, because she completely rocked that! As you would expect, I am not a spontaneous person. My calendar has actually had time blocked of for ‘something spontaneous’ in the past, I kid you not. This mindset extends to basically every aspect of my life.
That’s not to say that I am not flexible. I am more than willing to change plans most of the time, but I need my hours blocked off so that I know what my options are. That way, I can pick and choose what I really want to do and rarely miss out on something cool. This is the part that applies to homeschooling and why I am the way I am. I don’t want my kids to miss out on a unique learning opportunity. Why spend a week reading about the Civil War when we can go to a Civil War Re-enactment and live it? That’s so much more interesting and makes history tangible. I dig that.
I also know what I want available in our area. Though our individual group is rather small, the homeschooling community in our tri-county area is extensive. With 7 co-ops that I know of (just learned about another one yesterday!), not counting mine, that’s a LOT of homeschoolers. But none of the groups are working together as a team to pull resources that we could all benefit from. Each group individually might host a science fair or an art show – but what if we had enough participants from all the groups for a ‘real’ show or competitive fair? I just see potential know that I want that opportunity for my kids. Surely there must be other homeschooling moms who see this kind of void, and I can’t help thinking that if we all work together, we can fill it with something totally awesome.
I also know what it is that I want for my kids, and to an extent, what I want out of it as well. I enjoy homeschooling. I love researching and finding cool things to dry and make and do. I like messy projects and days where we chuck the lesson plan and snuggle on the couch with hot chocolate and literature (or I will when winter gets here, lol). I love teaching my kids – watching them finally ‘get’ something is absolutely amazing. I love that I get to spend time with my kids – hours per day that would be lost if they were in school-school – every aspect of it, though challenging at times, is right up my alley. Combine that with my personal philosophy about child rearing, which can basically be summed up with, “When you know better, do better”. I want the best for my kids, and I do my best for them. I’m by no means perfect, but I try awfully hard.
I think there’s also a good dose of learning from my elders mixed in with my outlook, too. When my babes were little, I held them all the time. No really. ALL the time, either in-arms or worn on me in the sling. This came about, in part, because I kept hearing my grandmother and her friends talk about how much they wished they had not listened to the ones who told them to put their babies down to sleep or on the floor for ‘tummy time’… about how fleeting the baby days are. I didn’t want to miss out on any of that, so I held them. When I was in school, my mother worked a lot and talked often about how much she’d only ever wanted to be a stay at home mom. Since I am a stay at home mom, I try to enjoy it to the fullest and not take it for granted. These kids grow faster every day and since I can’t slow ‘em down, I’m savoring every single step.
So, back to the organizational stuff, if you’re still wondering why I keep and print records, and perhaps more interestingly, wondering what it is that I do with them, you’re in luck. I print them to file so that I have a back-up if my computers and/or hard/flash drives bite the dust. I use them to balance myself when I’m planning our lessons. I print the Overview and can see how many hours were devoted to which subjects. We’re almost always math and science heavy. Our Reading and LangArts/Grammar are moderate and history is actually pretty light most of the time. That makes sense to me – I know where that comes from. Math is my weakest subject, so I overcompensate to make sure I’m not short-changing my kids on math skillz. Maybe too much. I think science and technology are vital to my kids’ futures and careers, and so they play prominently in our curriculum. I’m much more comfortable with the ‘Reading’ stuff. That’s my strong suit, and so I feel pretty confident in those areas with what we’re doing so I don’t focus as much on those. They are also my boys’ weakest subjects, so I can see that maybe we need to spend more time in those areas.
In a 6-week long mod (usually 24 days of instruction), we range from 67 to 82 hours of ‘classroom’ time. That includes the lessons and field trips that are in my lesson planner and sometimes I also count schoolish things that are done on non-school days (like a field trip taken with our homeschool group on our off week). There are also a zillion ‘other’ things that could be added, but I try to keep what I record just to actual ‘lessons’, if that makes sense. Being able to quantify our time like that lets me sleep at night instead of worrying if we’re spending enough time in school or on schoolwork.
Grades are a little trickier. They have excellent grades – but we don’t just ‘gloss over’ anything that they need to know. If we’re learning a math skill, then we stay on that skill until it is mastered. They may be ‘behind’ what other kids their age are doing, but I feel that mastering a skill now is far better than squeaking by with a ‘passing grade’ now and finding that your foundation is weak later on. And they’re not behind (in case you were wondering).
So anyway… this all sounded a lot better in my head, lol. I’ll stop here, though I welcome questions if you want to know something specific. I hope that this casts a little bit of illumination into the transparent depths of my psyche for you {wink}.
Warmly,
~h
There Will be Gaps
I was lying in bed this morning thinking about school. My oldest, LittleBoyBlue, started Kindergarten at a charter school that opened its doors that year. His class will be the first class that will graduate from there that would have gone through the school from K-12.
It sounds silly, but I was stressing over whether or not he’d be able to go back and graduate with his class if he wanted to; whether or not I would be able to keep his education ‘on-track’ with the school so that would at least be an option open to him if he wanted it. Specifically, I was thinking about math and science. Since that was the school’s focus, and those are my weakest areas, I was giving in to a moment of self-doubt that I would be able to measure up when it comes to those fields.
From there, that progressed to thinking about gaps in education, overall. We homeschooling parents hear that a lot, I think – not only from outside sources, but for many of us it’s a constant loop that runs in our own head. I was reading something the other day that was talking about homeschooling and someone commented that it was unfair of parents to homeschool since they could not possibly hope to be as well-versed in a single subject the way that teachers were, and that by attempting to fill those shoes homeschooling parents were denying their kids the expertise of the teachers and the education that goes along with that.
Though that’s a somewhat valid point, it’s just not that black and white. Yes, teachers are experts in their fields, but being knowledgeable does not mean that one can actually teach the material. Many teachers simply lecture and expect the students to ‘get it’. If the kids don’t, then there isn’t time in the schedule to really go in-depth with a student to ensure the he grasps the lesson or skill, and if he skates by with a barely passing grade, then they don’t really take the time to go back over it with them. The only alternative offered usually is remediation, which is often after school or on weekends. That interferes with family time and many parents are reluctant to give up the already limited time they have with their kids.
That stance also does not take into account any child who does not learn within the system. School is set up ONE WAY. If you don’t learn well or at all in that way, then you’re given a label and if you’re lucky, some special ed. But even then, you’re still expected to function within the environment of school. If you have a child that does not do well in a school setting, and even if you do, homeschooling allows for both the time to linger on a subject or specific lesson in order to master it and the leeway to pursue alternatives to the ‘lecture and learn’ variety of teaching that many junior high and high school teachers rely on.
I have a high school diploma. I am woefully deficient in even basic math skills. I know how to do math, and given time, I can figure it out, but I have to really think about it. Ask me a math question expecting expect a quick answer and I get flustered and go into panic mode, basically ‘forgetting’ that I do actually know how to do figure the answer. Even if I don’t know the answer off the top of my head, I know what tools to use to figure the problem out, and if it was a process that I needed to use frequently, then the skills would stick at least a bit from repetitive use.
I think that the kids will be the same way – if they don’t know the answer to a question, they’ll know where to go to find it. I think that’s the goal of education – a foundation of basic knowledge and the ability to seek out the information you need when you need it. The foundation changes depending on the state you live in, the method you use and your personal experience and opinion of what is ‘essential’ to know, so even there, a homeschooling parent has quite a bit of leeway to work with. And, just as teachers specialize, homeschooling parents can, too, to a degree.
I’m also not relying solely on my own knowledge to educate my kids. My husband’s academic skills run strong in areas that I am weak and we see his contributions to our kids’ education every but as essential as mine. My dad is also gifted in math (which caused no end of frustrations to me when I was little and just didn’t ‘get it’) and is more than willing to help if we need it. We also live in a city with several professional tutoring agencies and learning centers that we can utilize if we need them. When we took on full responsibility for our kids education, we didn’t go into it with pie in the sky, ‘this’ll be so fun!’ blinders on. We knew it would be a lot of time and energy and hard work. But then again, I tend to think that as a parent, it was always my responsibility to ensure that my kids got what they needed.
The conclusion I have reached is that there will be gaps in my kids’ education. They may come from lack of interest, because we didn’t get to it, or because they just haven’t needed it yet. That doesn’t mean that we’ll abandon the basics – obviously, reading, writing and arithmetic (and grammar and science) are on the menu for quite some time yet. But if we eschew studying ancient Greece for an in-depth examination of ancient China, or get lost in classic literature and gloss over neo-classical art, I think they’ll still have a well-rounded education.
Warmly,
~h
World Breastfeeding Week 2010
In an article that I wrote for our local Macaroni Kid Newsletter (You can see it at Whole Mothering Center with the images in tact; MK’s site doesn’t allow images), I challenged breastfeeding moms who’ve stuck with it through difficulties, for several years, and/or nursed several babies to talk and/or blog about what aspect of breastfeeding it was that made them love it so much. I don’t think I’ve ever posted many pictures of me breastfeeding my babies, now 7 and 8 years old, so I’m going to do that in celebration of World Breastfeeding Week.
I’ve worked with several organizations over the past 8 years; this picture is of me at the first La Leche League meeting I went to after PeaGreen was born (I’m actually breastfeeding both boys and holding a conversation all at the same time *gasp*). In that time, I’ve heard so many stories – of success, or failure, of hard work, of everything working beautifully from the first moment to mom ultimately deciding that breastfeeding just wasn’t for her. I’ve watched women become more confident, I’ve watched them struggle with criticism and bad advice and the stories are both satisfying and infuriating to listen to or read.
My own experiences lean more towards the ‘overcoming difficulty’ camp but are overall absolutely wonderful. I would not trade nursing my babies for anything. It’s something I always knew I would do. My mom nursed my brother for a year, my grandmother and aunts all nursed; it’s just how the women in my family fed their babies.
When LittleBoyBlue was born, it took a while for both of us to get the hang of it. He had a fever when he was born and so spent some time in the nursery. I didn’t know then that it was hospital policy to give ‘sick’ babies a bottle. That screwed us up for weeks! He ended up with nipple confusion (a condition where the baby tries to breastfeed by using their tongue in the same way he would use it to drink from a bottle – it doesn’t work; its two completely different mouth and tongue movements) and promptly put blisters on my nipples and made nursing extremely painful.
Even asking for help from the nurses didn’t get much help; the nurse who came in to help get him latched on brought in a bottle of glucose water and stuck that in his mouth to ‘get him going’, then tried to shove him onto my breast – then she left before he ever started sucking with a, ‘You’ll get the hang of it!” thrown over her shoulder as she exited the room.
All told, it took about a month of cringing every time he was hungry. I had sore, raw and bleeding nipples and there were days where I just cried at the thought of nursing. I remember one day having ENOUGH and getting out the hand pump and fully intending to stop torturing myself.
Somewhere at the four-week mark, I started thinking that maybe something was wrong. I pulled out my books and started looking back into all the breastfeeding sections of the pregnancy books that I’d skipped over. I’d naively assumed that just because I wanted to breastfeed, and because it was natural that it would just work. That it would be easy. It never once entered my mind that there was technique involved, or mechanics that all had to be right in order for comfortable breastfeeding bliss to be enjoyed.
Once I started reading, especially the ‘troubleshooting’ sections, I figured out that my stubborn babe was tucking his bottom lip in instead of making fish lips. That was what was causing so much pain and frustration. I went in and flipped his lip out and was amazed at how much of a difference that one tiny thing made. Of course, it still hurt – I needed time for my nipples to heal – but wow – the difference was incredible. From that point on, things got better every day.
At some point right around this time, I recalled my friend’s mom mentioning La Leche League and something about breastfeeding help. I decided to see what that was all about and gave the local leader a call. I remember asking her if I could bring the baby and she said, “Yes, please do!”. That first meeting was really neat. I met several other breastfeeding moms and was introduced to the baby sling (as a mother, which is wholly different from seeing a woman with a sling baby when you don’t have kids). That event helped make me into the mom I am today. Oh, I’m not crediting LLL with shaping my ideas – those were in place long before LLL. But being involved with LLL meant that my ideas were continually reinforced to the point that I didn’t question myself the same way I would have if the only mothers I’d been around were formula feeding. The prevailing mindset of LLL moms is more earth-mama-crunchy-granola-attachment-parenting, and though I was already there, I might not have been as comfortable with talking about what I thought was right for my kids as I now am. I can wholeheartedly credit LLL for succeeding in their mission of support in my case.
Knowing what I know now, I would have gotten involved in LLL or another breastfeeding support group during my pregnancy instead of waiting until I was having problems. The camaraderie of the mothers and support provided in that kind of environment is invaluable. Even now, one of the things that I learned then that I took to heart most was the need for support as a mother. Having your choices reflected back to you by mothers you respect is the ultimate validation, which gives you confidence. It’s also nice to have several mothers whose experience you can draw from when you’re struggling.
With PeaGreen’s pregnancy, I was still nursing. LittleBoyBlue was only 9 months old when I got pregnant and again, being involved in LLL gave me access to information that I might not have had otherwise, and put me in touch with other moms who had nursed through a pregnancy and tandem nursed. I’m sure that seems odd to some people, but for me, nursing was such a normal part of how I mothered my child that I just wasn’t ready to change that. Even at 9 months, LittleBoyBlue was obviously not ready to wean, so we just didn’t. I got a lot of criticism – from family, from nurses and even the midwife I saw at the beginning of my pregnancy. There wasn’t much published on nursing through pregnancy or tandem breastfeeding (nursing two children of different ages) at the time, so I once again turned to La Leche League.
I was put in touch with Hilary Flower, who was writing the book that became Adventures in Tandem Nursing. She sent me some info to bring to my midwife, which made such a difference in my own peace of mind. You can only hear that you’re doing it wrong so many times before you start to wonder if you really are doing it wrong. Turns out I wasn’t, and we continued breastfeeding through my pregnancy. When PeaGreen was born, he latched on like a pro (though I was surprised at how different nursing a newborn was compared to nursing a 19 month old babe; I’d forgotten how small new babies were!) and within a few hours of his birth, we were officially a tandem nursing trio.
Tandem nursing wasn’t something I set out to do; it was simply the best option for us for a variety of reasons. I’ve had a few friends who found themselves pregnant while still breastfeeding and some have continued to nurse and some have not and I respect their decisions fully. I would not choose to do it again, though if I found myself in a position where it was necessary, I would. Looking back, I think that we made the right decision.
Aside from the numerous documented and obvious reasons why breastfeeding is superior to artificial baby formulas, think that the relationship of the nursing pair is a big part of what draws mothers to it, especially if they’ve breastfed before. You have this connection with your breastfeeding child that you don’t have when you bottle feed. It’s not even about what’s in the bottle (though I am adamantly opposed to formula for my babies); it’s about nurturing at the breast. That’s not something that you can replicate in other ways. You can come close, but it’s just not the same. So many parenting books equate breastfeeding with a ‘nutrition only’ mindset, and if that’s how you look at it then you’re really missing out on a huge part of what makes breastfeeding so special. It may take work to get to the point of breastfeeding bliss, even for the experienced nursing mom – but once you do, it’s so worth it.
Warmly,
~h
Cost Effective Eco-Consciousness
I’ve been trying to write this post about the dilemma that I, and I’m sure lots of moms on limited budgets, have. The issue is the high cost of organically and/or availability of locally grown produce, and the cost of ‘green’ or ‘natural’ cleaning, beauty and household products vs. mainstream ones. Thrown into this issue as well are the extremely high and un-covered by insurance alternative healthcare options like homeopathy, herbs and supplements, acupuncture/acupressure and other such things are. It seems that the things that are less chemically toxic, better for the environment and that promote overall health instead of merely masking symptoms are usually out of reach when you’re not in that top 10% of the financial bracket.
This post was prompted, in part, by this article over atPeaceful Parenting‘s blog. The point of the article being posted on that blog was absolutely valid – the question, “Are we really saving money on groceries today if we have a bigger health bill tomorrow?” is definitely one to ponder. The issue I have with this lies in the comments section. I was appalled and annoyed at the judgement and condemnation that I saw there. Only one person mentioned the financial straits that some parents are faced with that makes the grocery game (and learning to play it well) something that some families need to do in order to feed their families.
For me, personally, our situation is not that dire but learning to coupon better and keep track of what we have on-hand and what we need to add to that for specific recipes would stretch our grocery budget. In some cases, that would mean not choosing the ‘greener’ option but choosing to buy what I had a coupon for. That’s not to say that I don’t make better nutritional/less processed choices when possible, but I’m inclined to make my dollar go as far as it can, and if playing the grocery game can help with that then I’m willing to do that. The problem is that articles like that one, and the comments that accompany it make me feel like I’m spinning my wheels – instead of getting healthier by eating better, am I un-doing whatever the good stuff has done by picking something ‘less’?
Then the conspiracy theorist in me comes out to play… the part of me that says, “Sure, you can eat better foods, but you can’t avoid the toxins in literally every other aspect of your life. The air we breathe and the soil our local produce is grown in is tainted beyond redemption thanks to the oil and paper/logging industries that keep our local economy afloat.” And let’s not forget about the insecticides that the county comes out with to keep the mosquito population from carrying us away (and the Off! that I spray my kids down with when they’re going to be outside for a long time – which we have to use because they’re allergic to the soy-based alternatives we’ve tried – and going bug-spray-less means lots of skeeter bites that itch, which means lots of lidocaine being slathered on because they’re allergic to bites, without which leads to infection and scarring - so, a little deet is the lesser of about four evils in that scenario).
It makes me wonder just how much of the organic/green buzz is pure propaganda. Does it make THAT much of a difference what you eat and what you clean your house with when so many other areas of your life are filled with toxins and chemical exposure that you cannot avoid? I just don’t know.
In the process of trying to write this post (this is the 3rd draft…), I kept getting distracted with the thought that a lot of my complaining when it comes to the cost factor sounds like excuses. Even though some of it is valid (like the probability that companies who make many of the greener products have caught on to the fact that people will simply pay more for those products and have no incentive to bring the cost down to a more comparable level), a lot of it comes down to choice. very time I start to say, “It costs too much”, I get conflicted with the fact that we spent $7 at Chick Fil A the other day. Granted, that’s the only time we’ll go to CFA until the week after next, but still… Then there’s the fact that if I worked, finances would be less of an issue (but then, not really, because at least during the summers, I’d only be working to pay for childcare; and the toll that working would take on my family would be prohibitive as well – so me working really isn’t an option).
What I’ve come to realize is that the good thing about being truly eco-conscious is that as long as you’re willing to forgo the flashy, showy, “Look how AWARE and INVOLVED in SAVING THE EARTH I am!!” stuff, keeping your home clean and eating with organic in mind is not all that hard to do. Frugality goes hand-in-hand with eco-consciousness, so thrift shopping and recycling clothing and household goods happily plays into this as well. Things like cleaning with vinegar, baking soda, borax, essential oils and castile soap – and making your own soaps and bath/beauty products. The fun thing about that is that it doubles as a hobby – so that’s more bang for your buck! Instead of buying re-usable shopping bags, make them from old sheets and clothing. Better yet, help the kids make and decorate them! Call it arts and crafts {smile}. Curtains, toys and decorating can also be liberated from old clothes and sheets. Art quilts, re-purposing old tee shirts and sweaters, even fabric scraps can be made into something awesome.
Let’s not forget about gardening and composting and vermicomposting! If you have boys, this is something they’ll dig most enthusiastically (girls, too – I’m not being sexist, lol). Growing your own little garden is (relatively) easy and requires less work than you might think. Now, I’m not talking about growing huge amounts of food or anything, esp. to start with. But you can grow a few tomatoes, onions and other fruits and veg fairly easily to supplement what you buy. We’ve been saving seeds from nearly everything lately – especially cherries! I have visions of a cherry tree-lined driveway in a few years…. We’re just getting started with the whole gardening/composting thing – but I’ll tell you what – going to visit and having your child finish up a banana and ask, “Hey Mom, where’s the compost bin?” at someone else’s house makes you smile.
I will say that some of the things that are most expensive to start with are good quality essential oils and herbs. Herbs, you can actually grow and dry yourself – and you can infuse them with intent as they’re growing, which is a nice touch, esp if you’re going to be using them for healing in your home. Oils – splurge. Buy from a reputable company and you’ll get more out of the product. Even if you just want to dabble, get the good stuff. Inferior quality oils don’t hold their fragrance and you won’t want to use the product you made. Also, if you’re using herbs and essential oils in a medicinal capacity you definitely want the best you can find. Some oils are more expensive than others. Start with more affordable oils and buy one at a time to build your collection. When you’re literally using drops at a time, they tend to last a while.
I guess what was really bugging me was the judgmental attitude from those who either aren’t faced with the same financial considerations, or just didn’t think before they wrote. It bugs me that most of those people probably have more than a couple of eco-consciousness contradictions in their lives – we all do. For some of us, diet is our main focus, for others, it may be household upgrades (like solar power, rain water collection or the like), for others it may be something else. There’s a fine line between taking advantage of modern conveniences and knowing which of those to forgo in favor of meeting whatever ideal is important at the moment. I think that every step we take with mindful intent, we’re improving the health and lives of our families, and that is what is important.
Warmly,
~h
SuperMom
So I’ve been trying to write this post about “SuperMom” for a couple of weeks now. I keep opening it and writing and editing it and then loosing my train of thought and saving the draft, never finishing it out. My (as ever, long-winded) point is that someone called me a “SuperMom” the other day (and though I’ll not pretend like it didn’t make me feel good to have a near-stranger acknowledge the total awesomeness that is me), it got me thinking about how that comment, though meant in most instances as a compliment, seems more like self-depreciating commentary on her own mothering by the person saying it; that somehow she’s not measuring up to the invisible yardstick that we all carry.
Mothers are competitive. Oh yes, we are – don’t try to deny it! For many of us, becoming a mother is the single most life-altering experience that we go through and it leaves us forever and profoundly changed. Not only in and of yourself, but also with the title of “Mom” comes the immense responsibility of creating a complete and functional person. We’ve all seen how our own parents have screwed up, and most of us are determined not to make the same mistakes. On some level, I think we all go into being a mom (at least mentally) just knowing that we’re going to be perfect parents. Then your babe is born, reality sets in and we all kinda realize that we are in NO WAY qualified to do this job. In the first few weeks, your life changes so much – you had no idea how different things would be. On the one hand, you’re thrilled with this opportunity. On the other, you’re second guessing yourself, wondering if you haven’t just bitten off significantly more than you can chew.
But somehow you get through. You wake up one day and realize that you’ve worked through the initial issues getting started and that you’re actually breastfeeding and it’s going well. You discover that cloth diapers are not as horrible as you always thought they’d be (in fact, you’re kinda enjoying them). The prospect of making your baby’s food instead of buying jarred sounds intriguing rather than crazy. You discover that you actually love having your baby in your bed. Your baby is happy and healthy and content and you start to fall into a routine – and the routine becomes your life. You gain confidence – after that first sleepless night where the baby cried ALL NIGHT LONG and you made it through; stick a feather in your cap. Then you’re hitting milestones and baby is starting to respond to you – smiling, reaching for toys, rolling over… and the competition starts. You start seeking other moms with babies that are close in age to yours and talking. You’re mentally comparing your baby to theirs – is she doing this? Is he doing that? It’s not intentional – but it happens. You even tell yourself that ‘every baby is different and they all develop at their own pace’ – but you still start to feel happy if your baby is a bit ahead, or worry if your babe is lagging behind. Still, you reassure yourself that you’re a good mom and that’s all that matters, right?
Then there are the different ways that parents have with their babes. Depending on which books they’ve read, or which ones you’ve read (or what websites, or what their friends do, or what their family has told them to do or not to do…), they might feed by breast or bottle, baby might sleep with them or in a crib, they might diaper in cloth or in disposables, they might vaccinate or not – there are so many options and so much information to process and such a short time frame in which to process it – how do you go about deciding what’s best?
Most of us make our choices and then in some form or another, pass judgement on parents who follow different paths. It’s normal and natural – not that I endorse doing so; I’m saying that it’s just how it is. Most of us try to overcome that tendency and keep an open mind when it comes to differences – but the truth is that we all do what we do with our kids because we believe that THIS is the RIGHT way to do it. Of course it is; otherwise, why would we do that? So deep down, we all individually believe that we’re a better parent than any other – for our own kids, at least. And we have to believe that or we would be paralyzed by indecision and constantly second guessing ourselves. Kids need a stable environment, and being a wishy-washy parent is not conducive to stability.
The problem comes in when we find moms who we observe doing things that we like that are in conflict with what we do or with a belief about child rearing that we have committed ourselves to – or worse, somehow, is when you get more information and realize that you’ve done something that you really wish you hadn’t (or didn’t do something you really wish you had). I think one of the single hardest things to do as a parent is to admit that we were wrong about something. When it comes to something ‘big’ like discovering that what we thought we knew is wrong, it’s even harder. And somehow, when we start talking to other moms and they’re doing (or not doing) something we wish we had (or hadn’t), we feel guilty and some of us go on the defensive.
There’s a saying, ‘When you know better, do better.” I first heard it when I was contemplating not having any more vaccines for my oldest. The statement was meant, I believe, to alleviate guilt that a mom feels when she makes a decision that was based on too little information, education or research. This is a hard thing for me – not for the decisions I made in ignorance (like circumcision – I wishwishwish I’d had more info on that ‘routine procedure’ before my kids were born), but in the crusade to help other moms avoid the same mistakes I made. I know how it feels to field unwanted advice, but I also know how it feels to wish someone had told me that what I was doing had an alternative. So where do you find the balance? Is there a balance?
I do think that teaching by example is a viable way to educate. The drawback there is that as my kids get older, I have less and less opportunity to talk about topics that relate to babies, which is when I think new moms need access to information and alternatives. There is so much that happens in that first year or two that can be irreparable (circ, vax, CIO) and can do such lasting damage, and there just isn’t that much information out there on the alteratives in the mainstream that isn’t negatively biased. Unless you stumble across Mothering magazine or a La Leche League meeting, or are lucky enough to have an API group or other ‘crunchy moms‘ group in your area, you’re probably not going to hear a lot about alternatives to the mainstream (which is c-section, bottle-feeding, crib-sleeping, sleep-training, cry-it-out, stroller pushing, fully vaxed on schedule, disposable diapering, starting Gerber at 6 months, etc.)
It doesn’t end there. As your babe gets older, it’s not just the babies that you’re watching – you start taking in what other moms are doing too and comparing yourself. But does that really do any good? Well, sure. You can always pick up tips and ideas from watching what other moms do. I learned about baby-wearing and slings (and how and why they’re different and better than baby carriers*) and about all kinds of stuff from watching and talking to other moms. I even have the few moms that I look up to – moms that I call “SuperMom” in my head – and yes, in comparing myself to them, I feel inferior. That’s what got me started on this thread… I know when I say “SuperMom”, it’s in a wishful way – I wish I had XYZ traits that I see in that mom.
I have my strengths. I’m an organized mom. I always have extra clothes, a first aid kit, snacks and something for my kids to do – and usually a book or handicraft for myself – in my bag. If it’s not in my bag, then it’s in the car. That’s just how I roll. The upside to this is that we can take on practically any task at any time. I am also a very schedule/routine-oriented person, internally. I try not to let that interfere with my kids, but I have an incredibly high need for order. It may not look like it from the outside, but it’s there. (Okay, I know it’s plainly visible from the outside – I’m not fooling anyone, lol). When I plan my day, I need to do the things I planned on doing at the right time in the right order. The downside to this (and yes, there is a downside) is that when my schedule is thrown off or I am caught unawares, it is almost catastrophic to my state of being. Not that I am not flexible on my own – I can make changes, either to accommodate the kids or due to a better plan presenting itself, and that’s fine. But for someone else to throw off my schedule is extremely vexing.
I have some mama-friends who are, like me, organized and prepared for practically anything. I also have several mama-friends who wouldn’t know how to deal with a schedule if it jumped up and smacked them in the face. I envy these women their sense of spontaneity. I envy them their ability to deal with hungry kids on the go, or not freaking out when the child gets muddy and has to ride home half-nakee and their creative solutions for things that happen in the course of the day. I envy them their calm and ‘just roll with the punches” attitude and their patience when things don’t go according to schedule. I’m sure that my rigid adherence to the plan, and pique at being thrown off of it is just as annoying to them as the fact that we’re late is to me… but somehow, we have overcome this major difference in personality and style and have forged amazingly strong and supportive friendships, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have these women in my life to lean on and learn from. In our own ways, we’re providing the optimal environment for our children to thrive in. We’re meeting their needs – as many of them as we can. That’s our job, and we’re all damn good at it in our own ways.
Innate as being ‘judgy-judgy’ is to moms, we need to make the effort to move past that when we feel it creeping up inside. We also need to move past going on the defensive when someone talks about doing things differently than we do. We each need to be secure in our beliefs and philosophy and parenting style that what we’re doing for our children is right for them, and to be open to making changes when we find a better path. We need to be able to listen to another’s explanation or thoughts and weigh whether or not they have any merit for us or can be adapted for use in our own family.
Back to the “SuperMom” comment… it seems to me that there are plenty of criticisms coming in from many different angles once you become a parent; why add to that with self-depreciating comments of your own? I think the main thing we need to ask when we start second guessing ourselves is, “What does my heart tell me to do?” The instincts of a mother are pre-programmed into her brain. Without them, our species would not have survived this long, so there must be some value in them. We need to help each other, as mothers, to rediscover and trust the inherent wisdom that comes with motherhood. As a mom, YOU are the authority on your children – you’re with them more than anyone else (ideally) and you have a unique biological connection to your child that no one else can replicate. No one is better qualified to be your child’s mother than YOU. So no matter what your style or philosophy or failings, the only one who really needs to think that you’re a SuperMom is your kiddo – and chances are, s/he already does.
Warmly,
~h
*not a carrier – a SLING – and not a crappy Infantino one that got recalled – any babywearing mama would have told you that those are really inferior slings – buy from a WAHM off etsy.com!
Back into the Routine
This morning started out a bit disappointing. I really expected us to pick right up where we left off a week ago and for things to move along swimmingly. In retrospect, I don’t know why I thought that since none of us are particularly quick to adapt to new things (be they schedules or shoes). One of those silly super-mom things, maybe?
I think the break was good; it gave the kids a lot of time to re-charge and me some much-needed time to plan. I’m better prepared going into this mod than I was when we pulled the kids out of their former school. Over the break this past week though, I think I failed to help them stay in the mindset we were in at the end of the least mod. Failed may be too strong of a word. On one hand, I wanted to take a complete break – to let the kids really pursue their own thing – and they did. It was more entertainment driven than academic driven though, and part of me is disappointed by that. Maybe it’s vanity? Could it be that “now that I’m a homeschooling mom”, some small part of me wants them to be academically driven 90% of the time or something? That’s dumb, but I can’t guarantee you that in some dark corner of my mind, a part of me wasn’t expecting that. Realistically, I don’t want them to be little encyclopedias. I want them to be well-rounded, and to know how to enjoy life – so that precludes becoming little egg-heads who are book-smart with no common sense or social skills. We went straight from school-school to homeschool, so we probably really needed some time to adjust to our new reality. “Break” meant ‘veg-out’ to all of us this past week, and I’d like to feel like that wasn’t a bad thing. Not too much TV (more than usual, but sprinkled liberally with days outside, plus they were grounded for the latter half of the week, so that helped, lol). I do feel like I could have helped create more opportunities for natural learning; though we did hit the library Wednesday as scheduled, and LittleBoyBlue took much more interest in seeking his own books (outside of the ones I assigned him), so that makes me happy. I’ll definitely work on making more of an effort to expand daily activities into learning ones next break though. I wonder how much of that will start to come naturally the further away from “school” we get? It seems like a sort of natural transition; I’m curious to see how that plays out.
Accomplishments during the break:
… not much, other than lesson planning for this mod. {sigh}. We did hit the library (as mentioned) and Manning’s (local school/office supply store) and got a new wall calendar/weather station and some other materials that we’ll use for this mod (I think I mentioned the math manipulatives in a previous post). I made more sourdough bread and have a starter for Amish bread that we’ll make tomorrow for Tuesday Tea.
Disappointments during the break:
I didn’t touch my sewing or even get started organizing my office. I forget what all else I said I was going to do, and thinking back, I can’t really remember what we did do. It seems like a waste… In the grand scheme of things I know it wasn’t, but to look back and not see visible evidence of accomplishment in my home (other than my lovely filled-out lesson book) is disappointing.
Not that this is an “excuse”, but my maternal grandparents are both in (different) hospitals, and my grandfather is not expected to make it home. My mom has spent the past week and is still in Houston with them. We went funeral clothing shopping and have discussed death and dying and our beliefs regarding the afterlife with the kids, as well as expectations, proper behavior and what they might see and feel at the funeral. That falls more under “life lessons” than school, but I’m glad we had the opportunity to talk about those things before there is need. It would be harder for me if I had a closer relationship with my grandparents, but due to a difference of opinion on religious outlook, I’m somewhat of an outcast. I feel bad for my mom; even though she conforms religiously, I think she’s a bit of an outcast herself, and I think she really regrets that they couldn’t show her more non-verbal approval and support than they have. Telling someone that you love them and are proud of them, that you believe in them and that you’re necessary in their life is one thing. To make them believe it, you have to show it. Frequently. I think a lot of people miss that. I know I’m guilty of not doing that enough, with my friends especially. I don’t have as much of a problem letting my family know what they mean to me, but friends – geesh. I have a much harder time letting them in. It’s easy to see areas of your life where you’re succeeding. It’s much harder to admit where you’re failing. I’m working on peering into those depths.
On the plus side, we spent several days visiting with my SIL and niece and nephew, who stayed with us for the first part of the week and then again this past weekend. We don’t often have company, especially overnight company, so it was a nice change of pace. I really enjoyed having my 2yo nephew underfoot. He’s adorable, and that’s my favorite age – so it was all-round pleasant. I’m also enjoying the closer relationship with my SIL. We drifted for a while, but we’re getting closer and it’s nice.
School-wise, I was fielding a lot of complaints today, which is frustrating. It took us longer to get through lessons, which is also aggravating. That’s a direct result of the complaining, which makes for a grouchy mom and grouchy kids. I know that part of the complaint has to do with how much writing we’re (well, they’re) doing. More compared to last mod, but they both have horrible handwriting – it’s not something we focused on, so we’re going back and re-forming the foundation there. Just about the only way to do that is to write, write, write…practice, practice, practice. Even doing it on the chalkboard or whiteboard, in crayon or markers – however “different” one tries to make it, it’s still “writing” and as such is boring (according to my kids). I am going to try the fingerpaint-in-Ziplocks method mentioned on Teachers.Net Gazette, though I think we’ll use pudding in a bag with food coloring since I am lacking finger paint at the ‘mo. I re-found a book I’ve had for ages, The Psychology of Children’s Art by Kellogg and O’Dell, and it’s so neat! Many of the pictures used as examples are finger-painted, so I’ll probably be obtaining some finger-paints and paper in the near future for the kids.
We’re also getting into science experiments this mod, and with that comes journaling and “scientific method”. We started off with too much writing there, so we’ll shorten that portion of that for the next experiment, I think. Here’s a photo re-cap of today’s experiment, “Insta-Snow” with a Super Snow Smart Tube. (and after looking this up on Amazon, I totally feel cheated! I paid $8.50 for mine; you can get them for less than half that at Amazon. Oh well, you live, you learn.)
It wasn’t cold and it didn’t “poof” as PeaGreen hypothesized or “explode into snow” as LittleBoyBlue projected it would, so both were disappointed in that regard, however snow in any form in our area is a rare and beautiful thing that is to be enjoyed to its fullest capacity in every way. We only used 1/2 teaspoon for each bowl, so there’s still plenty left for another day and another experiment. I’m thinking we’ll try mixing it with a variety of other things (milk, soda, tea, coffee, rubbing alcohol, and maybe liquor and see what the results are. We may also try adding some food coloring to one batch. We’ll keep you posted on our results!
I guess what started out as a not-so-great day ended on a pretty good note. Couple that with filing our taxes (and an expected refund) this evening and today hasn’t been so bad after all. Now, I’m off to crank up the Wii and do some yoga stretching and cardio with WiiFit, then with the kids for a bike ride. I’m “officially” training for the Gusher Half-Marathon and 5K in May starting today (I’m only doing the 5k portion though).
Warmly,
~h
Tame Child-Creatures
I saw this posted the other day on Facebook. I and copied it to my TAL FB page, but ever since then, it’s been on my mind. I’ve been thinking about ‘tame child-creatures’ and comparing my own heathen horde with them and have thus far come out glad that our home contains none of these docile small people.
I’ll be blunt here; sometimes, homeschooling sucks, and when you have children who have been taught that their thoughts and opinions matter, and as a result of that, are used to being heard, listening to a 25 minute treatise on ‘Why We Shouldn’t Have to do Math Today’ can be doubly tiresome. We’ve spent the last couple of months in a bit of a rut. If you’ve been reading here lately, there have been a few posts whining about being tired and irritated. I would apologize for that, but I won’t lest I be accused of perpetuating the false notion that homeschooling is always hunky-dory.
I reached a breaking point (mental exhaustion-induced, I think now) and almost threw in the towel on homeschooling. After some discussion and intervention by Loverly Husband, some mindful cooperative parenting/homeschooling, a bunch of deep housekeeping and home-blessing projects and a substantial break and family vacation over the past two weeks, we’ve been successful in reigning in our kids a bit, setting some reasonable expectations and clearer boundaries and are getting back on an even keel.
That’s not to say that everything is comin’ up roses; we’re currently battling a little bit of First World Entitlement Syndrome (which has resulted in some serious discussions about their status in life and some plans on Mom/Teacher’s part to work in more hands-on direct contact with those less fortunate in our community).
All that aside though, I like that my kids have… personality. I am grateful that they’re thinkers and leaders – they question things; they don’t follow blindly and they’re confident that they will be heard. I count that as an accomplishment in my parenting career that my kids know that they can have their own opinions about things and that they feel free to express them. I admit that I have been embarrassed by them in public – what mom hasn’t? But most often, my embarrassment has come from me buying into some unrealistic stereotype that I momentarily feel pressured to conform to… like the idea that ‘good mothers’ have children who are mild-mannered, calm and quiet – especially in grocery stores.
I recently unsubscribed from a homeschooling support group because of the overwhelming presence of parents who want ‘tame child-creatures’; parents who have an unrealistic ideal in their head that their normally exuberant children don’t meet – and perhaps worse are the parents who are all too willing to share their favorite spirit-crushing methods of enforcing conformity. It got to the point that I was nauseated sometimes to read about some of the things parent’s have done to get those picture-perfect kids (like incorporating a spray bottle to squirt an errant child – like you might a puppy… srsly?? o_O).
The attitude seems to be that the long-term effects don’t matter (if they’re taken into consideration at all); as long as they present a good image to the world (or group) then whatever you do in the name of enforcing conformity is fine. I think that’s dishonest and downright harmful to the kids. It’s a mistake to think that in creating tame child-creatures, you’re actually molding the personality. If your child is wild at heart, you can discipline and punish the things you don’t like – but all that’s creating is a good actor. Sooner or later, that wild heart will break through, sometimes with tragic consequences. Wouldn’t it be ever so much better to work with your child to shape him or her into a productive adult? We all have flaws and personality quirks that will serve us in various ways as adults. As parents, we’re supposed to think in the long-term. Facilitating our child’s inherent traits to maximize future potential is in our job description. I believe that learning to ask questions will serve my kids better as adults than obedience. Confidence trumps conformity. Lead, don’t follow.
There’s balance, of course. We’re aiming for delightfully cultivated wild children here – not feral brats. I am not suggesting that children who are allowed to run free with absolutely no boundaries or expectations are better; they might even be worse. No one wants to deal with bratty children who haven’t been taught common courtesies. It makes me wonder how many parents go to the ‘tame’ extreme because they’re afraid of having a ‘brat’; and furthermore, how much the ‘tame’ and ‘bratty’ children contribute to the problem because other parents only see the two extremes – the oh-so-appealing docile and obedient child who never gives a moment’s trouble and the obnoxious, loud feral child who has no concept of his or her role in society.
I like the natural indulgence in the fullness of the moment that kids seem to live in when they’re allowed to; it’s a reminder to me to live in the ‘now’. If they’re a little loud, so what? If they’re a little bouncy, that’s usually okay, too. A few well-placed reminders do the job nicely. It’s more work, sure – you have to be present and paying attention to your kids a lot of the time. But that’s mindful parenting, not performance parenting and that’s what we’re working towards. Cultivating wild children means that you’re actively involved in what your kids are doing now, not trotting them out like show ponies. Even with all the effort that goes into striving for balance, I think I’d rather embrace the wild than train and tame.
Warmly,
~h
November 28, 2011 | Categories: Attachment Parenting, Lessons Learned, Parenting, Rambling Thoughts, Religion, Secular Thursday, She said WHAT?, Socialization | Tags: attachment parenting, balance, commentary, homeschool group dynamics, homeschooling stereotypes, methods, mindful parenting, raising responsible adults, secular homeschooling, Secular Thursday, SuperMom Complex, unrealistic expectations | 4 Comments »