Parenting

I Allow My Kids to Play Violent Video Games

Hi there. I’m a parent, and I play violent video games. I have never killed anyone, mugged anyone, maimed or raped anyone, robbed a bank or knocked over any convenience stores, or lived through the Zombie Apocalypse or fought in any Alien Wars. I also allow my kids to play violent video games.

I consider myself an AP parent, with all of the lovey-dovey concepts that go along with it in full practice. I also consider myself a ’crunchy’ mom (scoring 157 on the crunch scale), and I do not find these lifestyles incompatible with allowing my children to experience and participate in video game violence. I thought that I would start off with that clarification so as to give you, dear reader, an idea of where I stand on this issue.

This topic comes up quite a bit in my group of homeschool friends. Most of us have gaming kids, and they often play together online. The confession of which games our kids play is almost always admitted with a shy smile, ducked head and almost shameful countenance, like we’re divulging some horrible secret. I grew up watching Bugs Bunny (of sarcastic, cross-dressing fame) and Daffy Duck/Elmer Fudd/Yosemite Sam trick and try to kill each other with horrifying regularity. Then there was Wile E. Coyote, with his unlimited spending account at Acme. Co., try, and fail (often with self-destructive consequence) to off the Roadrunner. Other cartoons, Captain Caveman, Tom & Jerry, Ren & Stimpy, the terminal stupidity of Beavis and Butthead… all had their share of cartoon mayhem and violence. I grew up with video games, like Super Mario Brothers (where the Mario Brothers begin their reign of murder and 8-bit violence on the animal population of Mario World within the very first frame), Contra (where there is nuthin’ but killin’, especially with the ‘up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start’ cheat code, which allowed a wholesale killing spree virtually without consequence). Though the graphics have improved, the violence in video games nowadays is more often in story format now (movie format, even) and in many, you can choose your path to be less or more violent.

Articulating why I allow my children to play such games is often elusive. Being able to pinpoint exactly why I don’t find them as threatening as Media portrays them is very difficult. But I came across this article on The Escapist by Shamus Young called ‘Violent Video Games are Awesome‘ that does a wonderful job explaining what I haven’t been able to. Katie Couric apparently brought this topic into the limelight yet again(with a beautiful critique by Chris Person on Kotaku), and tweeted for the public to respond with the positive side of video game violence, and Mr. Young’s reply was, in part, thus:

“This is a really pernicious way to continue the conversation. Imagine if I argued that nose piercings caused brain cancer. To support my argument, I talk about two people (there’s a robust data set for you) who had pierced noses and who also had cancer. And then I ask everyone if there’s anything positive about nose piercings. Instead of defending my ridiculous and shoddy argument, I’ve put the opposition in a spot where they somehow have to justify the existence of the thing I’m attacking.

It’s hard to give the positive side of lots of things: Celebrity gossip shows, greasy food, rock music about sex and drugs, trashy romance novels, and shallow Bejeweled knockoffs for Facebook. You can’t show the societal benefit of this stuff. That doesn’t matter. In any kind of civilized world, you shouldn’t need to prove that your entertainment benefits society. That’s not why we make or consume entertainment.

The argument is taking the angle of, “since these games [maybe] cause violence, and since they have no redeeming social value…” and then letting the audience take over from there. Couric doesn’t need to dirty her hands arguing that violent games should be banned. She can just construct a narrative where that’s the obvious conclusion and let nature take its course.”

I’ve only quoted a small section of his rebuttal, and I encourage you to read the article in its entirety. His assessment of Ms. Couric’s methods are spot-on, and his reasoning is quite sound. Many of the points that he makes, including that of the regulation and compliance of video game manufacturers to appropriately label their products being far superior to other warning labels, are points that never seem to get brought up in the ‘great debate’.

Another issue lacking in the ‘great debate’ is parental supervision. Aside from the fact that these are MY KIDS and I am the one who gets to decide what they are able to handle and allowed to do, the push to ban video games wrests this decision from my hands and puts it into the hands of a one-size-fits-all government. It implies that I, as a parent, am incapable of making the decision as to what my child should and shouldn’t be allowed to do.

As their parents, Loverly Husband and I have what we consider reasonable rules about video game violence. For one, our kids are not allowed to play games in which you are killing people. So, no ‘Call of Duty’, no ‘Rainbow Six’ – most realistic ‘war games’ are out. However, killing fictional monsters? A-OK. ‘Halo’,’ Gears of War’, and cartoon video game violence (Mario, Sonic, Ratchet & Clank, and the like are all fine). When they are allowed to play games with a more mature ESRB rating, they do so with language and gore off, so no huge blood spatters and gratuitous swearing. This is far less ‘violent’ than movies like even Harry Potter, where people start getting killed by kids in the first movie, and get tortured by wicked adults more or less throughout the franchise, or Chronicles of Narnia, where a sibling group of children lead a war of men and fantasy creatures alike, or Avatar, where an entire civilization is razed in grand American fashion for land and money, then rises up to kill their oppressors (which is what the Native Americans are still being punished for… and the American government is totally fine with that, even to the point of celebrating and revering the perpetrator of this horrific injustice with a national holiday). I dare say that’s done more to desensitize people to real violence and atrocity than killing off fictional invading aliens in a video game.

Another rule for us is that Loverly Husband usually plays it first. There are definitely games that they are not allowed to play – my personal favorite ‘grown up game’ is the Dead Rising franchise; zombie killin’ sprees all around. Games like Alan Wake and L.A. Noir are off the table for the kids. Resident Evil, BioShock, DeadSpace, Grand Theft Auto, Saint’s Row… all are off limits to our kids.

I realize that other parents have different rules for their kids, violent video games or not, and that’s fine. That’s as it should be. When my kids go to friends’ homes that have more restrictive rules, they abide by them. When they visit friends who have less restrictive rules, they are required to follow house rules where they’re at (which means that occasionally, they may play video games that we don’t allow, but in the grand scheme of things, that’s okay with us).

One aspect of this argument is woefully ill-addressed. The constant assumption in this debate is that given the opportunity, kids will always choose violent video games just because they’re available, over others. That’s certainly not true in our house. PeaGreen plays Minecraft on creative with no mobs (no killing at all) more than any other game, ever. LBB’s favorite franchise is Halo, but it’s not just limited to the games. He reads the novels, instruction guides, watches videos of game strategy – it’s more than ‘just a game’ for him. Do they get carried away with it sometimes? Absolutely. They’re both focused, intense kids. When the game gets too consuming, we will either cut back of go for a full media ban for a while (which we’re currently doing in prep for summertime). The same could be said of any recreational activity. Balance in all things, right?

The bottom line is that I don’t think that there is a correlation between kids playing video games and being violent. That logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc. Violence is far more likely in children with underlying issues: depression, behavioural problems, un-diagnosed food sensitivities, developmental disorders, family issues and the like. But these issues are almost never brought up as the reason a child exhibits violent behaviour; instead video games are used as a scapegoats because we want something/someone to blame, and a ‘quick fix’ solution, even if it’s entirely mis-directed. We conveniently tend to forget that:

“Violence is (and always has been) a part of the human condition. From war to child abuse, murder to school-yard bullying, violence takes its toll, often with children being the innocent victims (or occasionally the not-so-innocent perpetrators).”

http://www.public.asu.edu/~dbodman/

Loverly Husband and I use common sense and knowledge of our kids, and communication with them to determine when something is within their ability to handle, and to help them understand the difference between entertainment/fantasy and reality. They’re not stupid. They understand that what may be acceptable in a video game is not how one would act in real life. They’re old enough to get that what they do and experience in an entertainment format is vastly different than real life, and we have done our best to ensure that with communication and supervision.

Allowing them to play violent video games does not make me an uninvolved or unconcerned parent, nor do I believe that it increases my children’s tendency to act in a violent manner. On the contrary, we are extremely involved in our children’s lives, and have been told to have an enviable relationship with them. Judge me if you will, but make no mistake about our interest in their welfare.

But if you need more ammo in order to cast me in the role of ‘bad mother’, I also let them listen to heavy metal and rock music, never used a trampoline net, allow them to play near a snake-infested pond, shoot guns and own archery equipment, and occasionally buy them a McDonald’s Happy Meal. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go teach my kids about evolution and sex.
Warmly,
~h

May 15, 2013 | Categories: Advocacy, Attachment Parenting, FAQ, Parenting, Rambling Thoughts, She said WHAT?, Socialization, Tech Savvy | Tags: attachment parenting, balance, commentary, common sense, family, homeschooling challenges, life-lessons, Parenting, raising responsible adults, video games, violence linked to video games, violent video games | Leave A Comment »

Attachment Parenting and Independence

So I found this chart on Pinterest, about ‘Training Children to be Independent’ from the book ‘Teaching Your Children to Fly’ by Merrilee Boyack, and reading through it, I had some thoughts. My first thought, of course, was, ‘Well, clearly, I am doing things wrong’. Then, I thought about all my children know how to do and cut myself some slack. Now, looking at it again, I am wondering if I have short-changed them, or if this chart is a little ambitious (at least for us).

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but we follow an ‘attachment parenting‘ style philosophy with our kids. The basic idea behind this style of parenting is that by meeting a child’s need for a close attachment to their parents (through parenting practices such as extended breastfeeding, baby-wearing, co-sleeping, no ‘cry-it-out’, limited mother/child separation, etc.), you’re allowing them a firm foundation of parental trust that allows them to venture further into the world as they’re ready rather than pushing them to be too independent, too fast. The ideal throughout childhood is interdependence, not co-dependence or independence. This, in my opinion, is a healthy balance between ‘free-range parenting‘ and ‘helicopter parenting‘.

Though I believe wholeheartedly in the AP approach, I do sometimes flirt with the idea of a more free-range style in the scheme of helping your child develop independence in a ‘real world’ way, especially as the kids get older. While I do firmly believe that children are capable of doing more than parents often give them credit for, pushing them to be independent for the sake of being independent isn’t good either, which is the crux of my issues with ‘free range’ parenting. It seems like too much, too soon, and unnecessary – independence for independence sake – in virtually all of the examples I have read about.

In looking at this list, I am also torn between my perceptions of being a ‘good mother’ as my grandmother would define it (think June Cleaver) and more feminist ideals. Not that there isn’t anything good to be taken from that video; good manners are, after all, good manners; though there are some things seriously wrong with the perceptions and ideas perpetuated in it (Mom and Daughter OWE it to the men to look nice?? Don’t make Mom and Dad uncomfortable by talking about your feelings – wouldn’t want honest communication or anything…). I want my kids to know how to function in the real world – cook, clean properly, do laundry, be able to repair things in their home or on their car, and other basic skills. But I also don’t want to be the kind of parent who sees their kids as mini-servants, there to fetch and carry, thinly veneered as ‘fostering independence’.

So how does one find balance?

I would imagine that has to do with knowledge vs. expectation. Yes, I expect my kids to clean up after themselves and contribute to the running of the household (especially when the majority of the ‘mess; is theirs to begin with). But I don’t expect them to do things just because there is an arbitrary age at which to begin them. I think that child-rearing and (I don’t know what the specific term might be… I’m going to say ‘adult training’ despite the potential negative connotations… just go with it until I think of something better) are not incompatible. Adult training is part of child rearing – an integral part. I’d say that the goal of child rearing is adult training, even – preparing your children to be productive members of their family and society as adults.

But some of these things on this list make me wonder who would really expect their X-year-old to do XYZ. Taken as a general guideline or goal, and recognizing that yes, a 5-year-old can be expected to empty the trash, and fostering such skills, but that knowing how to do something does not make it his responsibility to do so, then this list is fine. I certainly helped my children to use the toaster and microwave at young ages (though admittedly, this was more so I could sleep in on weekends than it was to make them prepared to be adults), and they do have regular chores to attend to on a daily basis. But they aren’t solely responsible for fulfilling these responsibilities in the same way that you might expect an adult to fill them (i.e.: completely independently). There are still age-appropriate reminders and a parent to go behind them to make sure that whatever task was carried out completely. This is part of adult training, in my opinion. I do send my kids into the grocery store with either cash or a debit card to pick up a small list, alone. As their mother, with an eye towards their future, I present them with opportunities to explore on their own (today, we went hiking in a familiar area – they have the skill and are responsible enough to run ahead, and I allowed them to do so) and make their own decisions. But they are also given guidance and structure, especially with money (savings/contributions to charity and the like) and what our expectations of them are as members of our family. I think these are age-appropriate independences, and having my supervision (not molly-coddling) is the ‘inter-dependent’ part. They know that I will be here for them if they need me.

I’m curious to see what others think about this list, and how you prepare your children for the ‘real world’.

Warmly,
~h

May 8, 2013 | Categories: Advocacy, Attachment Parenting, Parenting, Rambling Thoughts, She said WHAT?, Socialization | Tags: raising responsible adults, life-lessons, random thoughts, commentary, Parenting, family, unrealistic expectations, common sense, attachment parenting | Leave A Comment »

Note to Self: You’re Doing Just Fine

This is a reminder that I need every few weeks, it seems. We’ve now successfully completed almost half of our fourth year of homeschooling, and STILL, I go through phases where I have these doubts.

Most recently, it’s come to my attention that my father is under the impression that LBB (now 11.5 years old and in 5th grade) does not know his multiplication facts. Nevermind that he’s been working on division for the past few months, and doing beautifully at it (including fractions and decimals). My dad asked LBB what 5×5 was, and LBB said ‘I don’t know’. When my dad told him to figure it out, LBB made like he didn’t understand what he meant or how to go about doing that. So this, of course, prompted a call to me with concern about his math skills.

Le sigh.

This prompts several responses on my part. On the one hand, towards LBB: “WTF, man? Really? 5×5? You’re having trouble with FIVE TIMES FIVE? That’s arguably the easiest of times tables and you’re going to choke on that one?? Dude. C’mon – you know this. Just take a minute, think about it and answer the question. No big deal.”

Then again, I totally get the ‘on the spot’ freak out. If someone asked me, my initial response would be to freeze; like if I was still enough, they won’t remember what it was that they asked and I can get out of the situation without answering the math question.

Towards my dad, I get this mama-bear, ‘Hey man! Not cool! Don’t test my kids!’ sort of feeling. I understand that it was a reasonable question. I know that some of my homeschooling compatriots have unsupportive families, and a question like that would come from a negative place, but my family is very supportive and I don’t think there was anything untoward or sneaky meant by it, but still, I get a little twitchy when I feel judged. I feel like my kid’s lack of willingness to answer a question is a reflection on my teaching ability (because that is what got called into question – not his attitude or interest, but *my* part in it).

Honestly, could he be stronger in math? Yes. Am I drilling him on basic multiplication tables? Daily; and this in addition to our regular math lesson. Do we do ‘math bingo’, Timez Attack, flash cards, and other ‘fun’ math things to help cement those concepts? Yes. Are those things going to make him pop out with the answer to a random math question? Meh … maybe. Maybe not. The thing is, I can’t separate his interest or cooperation with others from their perception of my ability to teach. I understand that it’s not my job to correct this perception, but it still affects me when I see/hear/feel it in action and directed towards me.

My kids are not babies anymore. They’re young men, and though they do still have to do the work assigned to them, I can’t learn it for them. I have said this before and I still think it’s true: One of the hardest parts about homeschooling is that no matter what you do, the blame rests firmly on your shoulders. When your kids are in school, to a certain extent, if they don’t get good grades or learn what they need to, then you can cast off some of the blame onto the school system. The school, in turn, can shove off some of their responsibility onto the parents – they weren’t involved enough, or didn’t give the child support/encouragement/motivation – whatever. But as a homeschooling parent, ALL of the ‘blame’ rests squarely on your shoulders… which is wrong, I think, to a point. Some of the blame rests with the child, himself, and I think that it is this point that many people forget or don’t realize, especially in homeschooling.

We see this in reverse and don’t question it. When a homeschooled child excels, we say how smart s/he must be, and congratulate them for persevering and working so hard. We don’t pat the parent on the back and say, ‘Way to go, Mom! What a great teacher you must be!’ So why do we blame the parent when the child’s ability doesn’t match up to what our perception of where s/he ‘should be’?

Children are not ‘babies’ forever. At some point, they do grow up. In fact, we have years between baby and adult that we should use to teach them to be responsible for themselves. This is a gradual teaching and learning – not something that they master all in one day or by whatever grade. If we want them to grow up into productive members of society, then we as parents must allow them a certain amount of responsibility, gradually, and offer them the opportunity to succeed or fail on their own merit.

Over the past few years, my kids have taken on more responsibility for contributing to the overall running of our household. Their chores are divided into either ‘dishes’ or ‘laundry’, and they switch every month.

Dishes includes (but is not limited to):

loading and unloading the dishwasher
hand-washing anything that can’t go into the dishwasher
sweeping the kitchen floor
clearing and wiping the table and counter tops
helping Mom & Dad; doing whatever else is asked when needed

Laundry includes (but is not limited to):

loading washer and dryer
putting towels into the towel basket
putting kids’ laundry into their baskets and taking them to the correct room
taking out the trash (kitchen, bathroom and schoolroom)
taking the big trash can to the road if Dad forgets
Cleaning the hallway bathroom
picking up the living room & sweeping
helping Mom & Dad; doing whatever else is asked when needed

It’s a little un-balanced, but they both agree that dishes is the most onerous of the two, and so gladly will take on more work in order to not do dishes. Loverly Husband and I also have chores; in addition to helping the kids, we both do our own laundry, clean the fridge, clean all the stainless, blah, blah, blah… everyone has chores.

My point in laying all that out is to say that where we used to step in and pick up the slack if the kids forgot their chores, now, we don’t as much. If they slack, then dinner has to wait until they’re done, or they don’t have the right clothes, or, or, or. It’s not just mom or dad ‘nagging’ – it’s the whole family who is irritated at you for not pulling your weight. It’s been a slow process, but one that’s starting to pay off. They’re more likely to step up and say, “Oh, I forgot to do that. Give me just a minute and I will get it done.” It doesn’t always happen, but it is happening now whereas before it wasn’t. They see more now how each person plays a role, and if they don’t do their part then the whole family suffers.

I think learning and education are the same way. Though I play a role in their education (especially right now), as they get older, I will play more of a guide role and less of a participant role. It will be up to them to choose a career path and go after the skills and education necessary to meet those goals. It will be my job to encourage and support and help guide them to appropriate courses, but ultimately, especially though high school, their education becomes more and more a product of their own efforts.

LBB is starting middle school in the fall. Middle school! I don’t want him to reply on me so thoroughly to ensure that he’s applying himself that he can’t work independently. Of course, I will be watching and making sure he is doing the work, but my goal isn’t for him to ‘just do the work’. That’s not real education. Based on what I know of my kids, and of children in general, this type of responsibility is years in the making for some kids, and that’s okay.

Contrary to what we tend to believe, there is no rule that says kids have to do or know XYZ by Xth grade or by age N. Children aren’t programmable robots. They learn at different rates. They have different interests and what motivates one child may do the opposite for another. Knowing this, and repeating this is what keeps me from throwing the towel in some days.

And then there are days like yesterday, where we got into a discussion about the origin of life, and the boys both had fun schooling Mom on which came first, the chicken or the egg. Apparently, they are much more well-versed in this conundrum than I am, and though we both used the same bit of research (located independently, I might add), it was applied in different ways. They were so excited to showcase their knowledge, and that’s something that can’t be taught.

So yeah. We’re doing just fine.

Warmly,
~h

May 3, 2013 | Categories: Advocacy, Day in the Life, Homeschooling Tips and Tricks, Lessons Learned, Math, Parenting, Rambling Thoughts, Science, Testing & Assesment | Tags: commentary, homeschooling, homeschooling challenges, methods, Parenting, raising responsible adults, secular homeschooling | Leave A Comment »

Summertime: Week 8

Our summer is winding down… this was our last week of having ‘extras’ – Red Butler and Huckleberry Pie will be heading back to California next week. We’re thinking in terms of ‘back to school’ already; I ordered new books for the kids and have been cleaning on organizing the school room to get ready for when we start again.

This week has been a lot of fun though. My boys were both grounded last week, so they didn’t get to do much. By Friday, I needed some time out of the house, so PBJMom and I signed the four boys up for a class at the Big Thicket last Friday. It was a drop-off class; one of the few that we’ve attended. While the kids were in class, PBJMom and I went thrift-store shopping (ALONE… WITH NO KIDS… did I mention that part??) – it was fabulous! The class was only a few hours, so we were home in time for lunch.

The weekend went by quickly. We hosted a swim party for our dojo and had a bunch of kids in the pool – more, I think than that pool has seen in a decade or more!

My kids have been obsessed with Minecraft lately. This week, I finally gave it a shot… oh, hello new addiction. It’s seriously so much fun. It something we can all four play together, and on ‘peaceful’ mode, there are no creepers or zombies or other enemies, so it’s all about digging and building. We’ve sparked several conversations about building in real life vs. video games (support structures, etc…) – PeaGreen loves building things, so it’s fun to see what he comes up with to build.

On Tuesday, we had a Monster Sleepover at PBJMom’s house- six boys, three moms. We had such a great time! And the kids did, too. We did end up having a big sit-down pow-wow with them and talk about give and take, communication and conflict resolution. We did some role-playing and talked for quite a while with them. It was awesome having two other adults to help calm the crowd. I can’t even express how awesome it is to agree with your friends on disciplinary methods. We gave the kids four strategies to try – changing your tone, getting a friend to help mediate, walking away and telling an adult. We stressed the importance of friends taking up for friends and brothers, and ’friend on friend’ bullying (or rough housing that goes too far). I think they ‘got it’. I hope they did… in any case, we didn’t have a lot of arguing after that point, so something must have sunk in!

After lunch on Wednesday, we made Unicorn Poop cookies – they’re so good! PeaGreen said that they taste like Froot Loops, and I think he’s right. We made ours with lemon flavoring instead of vanilla, and we didn’t use the stars or the round things – just the glitter glaze and rainbow sugar – they looked pretty good!

(I don’t know why these pictures won’t go to the middle… after an hour of jacking with the formatting, they are determined to align left and so they shall remain in defiance of HTML commands. Bastards.)

Wednesday night, Red Butler and Huckleberry Pie came over for their last sleepover at our house. It was kinda sad! But they all woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (having gone to bed relatively early after staying up until 2AM for the Monster Sleepover the night before) and played some Minecraft before we went to the library to turn in all their Summer Reading Club stuff – yay!! We’re finally done with that!

The kids all got certificates and some prizes – free bowling, free burgers and a couple of other things, and they get to go to the finale celebration at a local mini-golf and arcade place, which should be a lot of fun.

Friday was all about hanging out at home and resting up. More Minecrafting, if I remember correctly, lol. I did manage to start clearing out last school years’ paperwork though. That’s always a job!

Coming up soon – the ‘Not Back to School Blog Hop’ posts; we start school on August 6th!

Warmly,

July 31, 2012 | Categories: Attachment Parenting, Baking, Daily Review, Day in the Life, NVC, Parenting, Socialization | Tags: attachment parenting, communication, Parenting, raising responsible adults, summer reading club | Leave A Comment »

Summertime: Week 7

<—- Yes, THIS, exactly.

If you know anything about me at all, then you know that I don’t like to stay home. I will do just about anything to get out of the house, but most days, like ‘good moms’ the world over, I take into consideration the needs of my kids when I go out. In fact, I would say that I go above and beyond with finding fun things for the kids to do that isn’t stuck at home 90% of the time.

So when I start fielding ‘I’m bored’ – no, ‘I’m booooooooooored!!!!’, it makes me a little…. twitchy.

Add to that constant drone of whine the behaviour of my children during a class that I was taking on Sunday evening; I go once every 2 weeks; in this particular (rare) case, silence was of utmost importance and to help with that, they had 2 laptops playing different movies, PLUS a gameboy each, PLUS all the art supplies any kid could possibly want, PLUS books – manga – not even books with chapters or anything!! I totally set them up to succeed in that environment and they were horrendous – making messes, being loud, running in the building, being a nuisance in general – and this mommy has HAD. IT.

I don’t ask a lot from my children; I really don’t. They have schoolwork and chores and even that is kept to the minimum and tailored to their individual needs and abilities. We just had a week full of birthday fun, during which one child’s preferences were met for the most part (when feasible – we’re not that saintly… er … stupid?) and the other was given special treatment to compensate (because we wouldn’t want things to be unfair now, would we? {/sarcasm})… and so the only thing I asked was that they chill out and give me my class time to enjoy.

Aaaaaand, No.

So this week, instead of our schedule looking like this:

Monday: session II of Tennis Camp
Tuesday – hike w/ homeschool peeps, SRC Art to Go at AMSET, karate
Wednesday – BEACH
Thursday – movie & karate
Friday – Big Thicket Summer Camp Class

it looks more like this:

Monday – playing outside
Tuesday - playing outside
Wednesday - playing outside
Thursday - playing outside
Friday - playing outside – and then writing a paper on ‘why we *all* prefer to have Mom in the Best Mood Possible so she doesn’t go all 1987 on our asses’. (We are a homeschooling family, after all.)

No TV, no computer, no movies, no gameboy, no field trips… just a whole lot of good, old-fashioned YARD to help them appreciate exactly how good they have it (and probably some sneaking off to Grammie’s next door to look pitiful and beg for snacks – she’s been warned though – no TV!!).

In addition to that, one of the things we will be undertaking in a serious way this year will be charity work. Our community has a soup kitchen that I only recently learned about, and I am thinking that we will be organizing and participating some food and toy drives around the holidays. I love them, I really, really do… but so help me, by all that is Holy, I will ~~be extremely disappointed in them~~ END THEM if they don’t straighten out of this ‘entitlement’ crap and learn to show some appreciation!

Brats.

Warmly,
~h

July 17, 2012 | Categories: Advocacy, Boycott, Day in the Life, Mom's Health, Parenting, Personal Growth, Rambling Thoughts, She said WHAT? | Tags: balance, commentary, common sense, entitlement syndrome, family, homeschooling challenges, methods, my kids are brats, Parenting, raising responsible adults, unrealistic expectations | Leave A Comment »

Homeschooling is Hard

If you’d asked me when we started what the hardest part of homeschooling was, I’d have probably said something about the curriculum, or confidence. At the beginning of last year, it would have been ‘fitting everything in’ or making sure that they didn’t have too many gaps in their education’ – again confidence related with maybe a little scheduling thrown in.

Ask me now, going into our third year, what the biggest challenge of homeschooling is and I say it’s the time commitment; the never-ending constancy of being ‘on’. As either Mom or Teacher, I am on-stage from the moment they wake up in the morning to whenever they finally fall asleep in the evenings (despite the fact that bedtime is at 8PM and not including the occasional during-the-night call to action). I do normally get up around the same time Loverly Husband does in the morning since the kids have started sleeping a little later in the mornings – that gives me a little bit of coffee time alone – but not much.

When my kids were little, I was wholeheartedly committed to the principles of attachment parenting. I remember the kids pre-school years as fun and full of joy, and at that point, we were planning to homeschool so there was no change of scenery in sight. I was happy with that plan, but if I’m honest about it, I admit that there were lots of days that I was exhausted, overwhelmed and in desperate need of a nanny, a maid, and an all-expense-paid vacation to somewhere with sparkling sand and cabana boys.

As much as I enjoy my life, and I do recognize that compared to some situations out there my life has been nothing but roses, there have definitely been a couple of breaking points over the years that meant major changes for our family. These changes were needed, but probably should have been addressed sooner than they were. Once they were made though, the benefit to our family happiness was noticeable.

Never one for a pristine-clean house, when the kids were little it was pretty much always a disaster area. With little ones running around, it was really hard to keep them entertained and out of trouble long enough to get any real cleaning done, and whatever I cleaned, they’d messy again when I was in the hallway putting the cleaning supplies away. Since the kids were my priority, the house suffered. When PeaGreen was about 3 and a half or so, after a fight with my Loverly Husband, we finally got on a good housekeeping schedule (and the mighty Household Bossy Book was born). He and I both had roles to fill and after discussing what we had, and what we wanted to change, we were both more aware of the responsibilities that came with keeping up ‘our family’s’ home. It belongs to both/all of us, and though I don’t mind a larger portion of the housekeeping being heaped onto my plate since I am here, even LH and the kids have their ’chores’.

Another breaking point came when the kids started school. I was working (unpaid), trying to get a doula business off the ground, and dealing with the constant in-and-out of school, homework, being an active PTO member and volunteer – it was a lot. Since I was gone so much, it was harder to keep up with all the housekeeping myself, and so the Bossy Book got re-vamped, with the kids taking on larger responsibilities as chores. Then, due to a variety of circumstances, including a tragic miscarriage, I decided to put my personal career goals on hold, and soon after that we started homeschooling.

One of the benefits to having the kids in school though – and one that I miss greatly at times – is the amount of time that I had to myself. From 8AM to almost 3PM, even though I was still ‘on call’ for the kids if needed, it’s not the same as having them underfoot all day, every day. The initial adjustments to homeschooling were all about the good – it was such a welcome change from what we had been dealing with that the day-to-day hadn’t set in yet. Even as much as a year or so later, I think we were still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase.

A couple of months ago, I reached another breaking point. I was ready to quit; even went so far as to look up enrollment information for the kids to go back to school. Part of me was dead serious about it. Part of me was indulging in a fantasy. I was having a super bad day/week, and anything that wasn’t ‘here’ and ‘me’ was better than what we had going on – being stuck in a rut and not knowing how to get out of it. And of course, the reality that going back to school would not solve any problems; in fact, it would only add new and more awful ones to my already stressed-out plate. And so again, a necessary ~~argument~~ discussion with Loverly Husband about what we had and what was and what was not working was called for. He actually had a day off planned that week, and normally when he’s home, we’re off. But after discussing it, we decided to have school anyway, and let him see how things normally went.

Having a visitor for the day was a good thing*. Having Dad here to actually experience the way that we normally do school and the tactics that our (brilliant, clever and witty) kids have developed to circumvent my methods actually did help. I don’t typically harp on ‘discipline’ with my kids, but this is one area where lack of discipline (meaning ‘adherence to a structure’ and ‘self-discipline’ rather than ‘punishment’) was lacking. Instead of sticking to scheduled time frames, I was allowing pleading and negotiation when there really shouldn’t be any. School work is not negotiable (unless it is – in which case, it is presented as such) and is not up for discussion. That’s not to say that I don’t take their wants and needs into consideration; anyone who works with kids knows that in general, they are comfort-led. They’d rather take the easy route and that’s usually not the same as hitting the books (minor note here about child-led learning; I prefer a more parent directed approach until the basics are covered and their foundation is strong, after which their education will be more interest and strength fine-tuned. YMMV {wink}). Having Dad here to see how things work (and don’t) was a big help; his level of understanding what my day is/can be like, while still not the same as being the primary teacher, is better after having been involved all day. His suggestions and discussion with the kids, as well, helped bring us back to an even keel.

Another facet of this multi-layered issue is me. I have/suffer from/deal with clinical depression issues, and though I wouldn’t normally describe myself as an anxious person, my current medication includes an anti-anxiety component that I am finding extremely helpful. I have been on and off of medication in the past and have known for some time that I needed to go back on them. I did last month and things have been improving. Adjusting to new medication is kind of like a box of chocolates; I’ve been fortunate that my side effects are few and manageable.

Just to clarify, this post isn’t just griping about homeschooling. My point in posting this is to dispel any notion of the ‘homeschoolers are perfect’ style stereotypes and to illustrate how we work through problems in our family. We’re launching into the beginning of our school year, so I wanted to present an open look at what homeschooling can be like on the inside.

Yesterday was our first day back, and we’ve made some adjustments for this year. We generally have an enjoyable routine, though there have been bumps (and will yet be more in the future), we are committed to homeschooling. Helping everyone in our family understand that, and what their roles are, is key to successfully navigating home life – and homeschooling.

Warmly,

* for clarification purposes: calling Loverly Husband/Dad a ‘visitor’ is not meant to imply that he’s not an active part of our homeschooling. As a homeschooling mom, I require his support and participation – but his primary role in our family is provider; mine is child and household care – that’s just the division of labor. Though we both weigh in on the kids’ education, that also is primarily my responsibility to manage. Use of the term ‘visitor’ only implies that he is not normally physically present in day to day schooling with us.

January 10, 2012 | Categories: Day in the Life, Lessons Learned, Mom's Health, Parenting, Personal Growth, Rambling Thoughts, She said WHAT? | Tags: balance, family, homeschooling challenges, homeschooling stereotypes, methods, Parenting, random thoughts, SuperMom Complex, unrealistic expectations | 8 Comments »

Requesting that Which Enriches Life – NVC Week 6

Six chapters in – hooray!

If you’re following along or just joining us, we’re working through Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, and Lucy Leu’s companion Workbook . We’re doing this as part of our homeschool curriculum and we welcome your thoughts and companionship on our journey.

We’ve been taking it slow; well technically, I’ve just been lax about posting out updates. We’re doing week 7 and have been for a couple of weeks – I’m just now getting around to posting about week 6. In any case, I haven’t forgotten about this project and am quite pleased with myself for following through with it (even if it is taking longer than originally planned).

In any case, week 6 is all about asking for what you need. In NVC, that means identifying what it is that you feel first and then being able to ask for it. As we’re going along, I am noticing a tendency among certain members fo our family to sound rather condescending when making requests. It’s very hard to have a sarcastic personality *and* sound sincere a lot of the time. This has always been a problem between Loverly Husband and myself; compliments that are utterly sincere sometimes have to have a ‘note of sincerity’ attached to them in order to be taken seriously. Adding NVC to this mix has been… interesting.

I’m also a pretty demanding person in general – as a friend, as a wife, as a mother – I expect certain things from my friends and family and I expect that those expectations will be met. I’m working on it and again, trying to work on not being a demanding shrew AND factoring in NVC without feeling like I am lowering my standards is difficult.

I will say that being in the same place with my kids as far as being new to and learning this method of communication; being able to say to them, “I am trying to use NVC and am having a hard time with expressing myself’ is a tremendous help. It’s almost like being able to call a time-out in the middle of a conversation. It helps them realize that I’m not perfect, that I am struggling just as much as they sometimes are. Saying something like that automatically puts us on the same, inexperienced team and reminds us all, in that moment, that we’re working towards the same goal. If we take nothing else away from this experiment, that one thing is worth its weight in gold.

That said, this week’s lesson and focus on asking for what you need has been interesting and somewhat easier than the previous couple of weeks. Asking for something first requires that you know what it is that you need to begin with. These concepts are building on one another and being more familiar with one concept makes the next one easier. Being able to identify what you’re feeling (week 4) and then taking responsibility for them (week 5) and now asking for something to meet the need all works hand-in-hand.

If you’re following along, some of the discussion questions from Chapter 6 are:

What constitutes ‘request’ in NVC? How can we test whether it is a request or a demand?

How do expressing requests via vague/abstract language vs. expressing feelings gain different results?

Why do we sometimes hear a demand when someone makes a request?

What is reflecting? How does reflecting help?

Practice:
How can we strengthen our consciousness of what we want back when we talk to others?

If you’re reading along with us, I’d love to hear from you!

Have a great weekend!

Warmly,

(Disclaimer: This is not a certified or ‘official’ NVC anything. This is my personal journey through Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, and Lucy Leu’s NVC Companion Workbook. I am NOT an expert, nor am I particularly skilled in this process. Please use/follow/apply with those things in mind. When in doubt, please disregard my commentary and refer to the book or workbook. I make no money off of this exercise, nor is any copyright infringement meant by posting a sampling of the questions from the workbook. For best results, I strongly recommend that you purchase the book and workbook for yourself and go through them in their entirety at your leisure.)

November 19, 2011 | Categories: Advocacy, Never Stop Learning, NVC, Parenting | Tags: attachment parenting, communication, homeschooling, methods, NVC, NVC with kids, Parenting, raising responsible adults | Leave A Comment »

Communication that Blocks Compassion – NVC Week 2

Chapter two deals with what’s termed ‘life-alienating’ communication’ – those types of communication which alienate us from our own feelings and needs, and from others. There are four types that are identified: diagnosis/judgement and comparisons, denial of responsibility, demands, and ‘deserve’-oriented language (entitlement).

One of the things I took from this chapter is the admonition to take responsibility for the things that I do. I don’t tend to think of myself as one who shirks responsibility; if pressed, I’d probably gripe about being ‘too responsible’.

I was raised with the idea that your responsibilities are of paramount importance, and if they’re only met halfway, then they may as well not be met at all. My father in particular is very demanding and has little tolerance for ‘half-assing’ anything. I can’t tell you how often I heard that as a young adult and it’s something I don’t tolerate well from my own kids, either.

I see the problem with that, of course – one of my main complaints as a child was that what I DID do was never seen or recognized or acknowledged, only what remained un-done. That’s not true in every instance, and that’s not to say that praise earned wasn’t given wholeheartedly, but we had a lot of responsibilities as children – much more than my own do now, and much less supervision since my mom worked – and it was overwhelming at times.

But this chapter isn’t really about taking responsibility in those terms. It’s more about taking responsibility for your own actions as a result of and connecting them to your own needs or denial of your feelings or needs. One of the examples mentioned is of a mom talking about cooking; how she hates it, but it must be done and it’s her job to do it and so she does; not realizing the effect that fulfilling a job out of responsibility and with resentment is having a negative effect on her family. Better, perhaps, that she not do it at all if it’s going to be done ‘like that’. How directly in conflict with how I was raised!

I said that I was going to take this book a chapter a week, and I am going to continue trying to do that… but just from really putting into conscious practice the first two chapters, I can see that I am going to need to go through this book again to really flesh it out in my own life. Still, it’s got me thinking, so I’m counting that as progress.

If you’re working on your own, here are some of the questions from Chapter Two in the workbook:

Describe the meaning of ‘life alienating communication’.

Why is the word ‘tragic’ used to describe this way of expression?

What happens when people (children) do what we want them to do out of fear, guilt or shame and how does that affect them in the future?

What is the difference between VALUE judgements and MORALISTIC judgments?

Quote:

The horrors which we have seen, and the still greater horrors we shall presently see, are not signs that rebels, insubordinate, untamable men are increasing in number throughout the world, but rather that there is a constant increase in the number of obedient, docile men.” ~ George Beranos

Agree or Disagree?

The workbook goes into the different areas of our lives, the social communities that we operate in, and asks us to identify life-alienating language in them, and how we can re-phase them with giraffe-speak. It’s difficult, I won’t lie. Extremely so – and it feels ‘wrong’ to me. Again, I recognize that this is a process and that my feelings are a product of how I was raised (which is precisely why I am going through this book with my kids), but that doesn’t change the feeling that, especially in parenting matters, by not demanding appropriate behavior or that a task be completed within this time-frame or in this manner – by giving the kids an option… basically to choose not to comply – I don’t see how that will work. And then again, there’s a little niggling voice that pipes up and reminds me how much better they behave when I set reminders instead of demands, and help with chores instead of harangue. I know it works in my heart. It’s getting my head on board that is the challenge.

Warmly,

August 16, 2011 | Categories: Homeschooling Resources, Lessons Learned, NVC, Parenting | Tags: attachment parenting, benefits of homeschooling, communication, life-lessons, NVC, Parenting, raising responsible adults | Leave A Comment »

The Mom I Am vs. The Mom I WannaBe

So I’ve been thinking about ‘celebrating the mom I am’ in response to an article over at Mothering Magazine. I love this article. I could have written it (in a ‘standpoint-wise’, not ‘talent-wise’ sort of way, I mean).

I try. All of us here in our house try. We wake up almost daily with yoga, meditation and reminders to be kind to each other. I need these things as much as the kids do!

Overall, I am pretty happy with the kind of mom I am. I know my strengths and am mostly fair about acknowledging my weaknesses, but there are always ‘those’ moms out there who make everything look so darn easy. I hate them as much as I envy them.. even while I know that the image they present is probably not the length and breadth of their mothering, it still stings a little when I see someone I perceive to be doing a better job than I am.

Along those lines is the ever-patient mom who never wants to be away from her kids. Her older kids, I should say. Lately, I’ve been contemplating the way I feel when I leave my children somewhere – at Gramps’ house or on rare opportunities to go out with the Girls and leave the kids home with Loverly Husband. As much as I needed to be with them when they were small and did not want or feel like I required time away from them as babies, I really need to be without them sometimes now. As a ~~militant~~ strong advocate of attachment parenting, this is an odd feeling to have.

I have joy when I get to go somewhere without them. The pure glee of being able to think only of and for myself is so nice… and I am at odds, emotionally with this feeling. Mentally, I see it as a developmentally appropriate step, and also a sanity-saving one. I love my Loverly Husband to bits and pieces, but put us in a small space for a prolonged period of time and he bugs the ever-loving snot out of me. My children, though part of me, are no less individuals – whole people – who, at times, are very, very annoying people. Like any other person, there does come a time when I wish to divest myself of their company for a while.

I’m a better mother – and homeschool teacher – when I have time away. I think that the time/togetherness factor is a big one for homeschooling parents. Other parents get 7+ hours, 5 days a week during the school year to re-group. I think that’s a little much for me; I’d be content with a few hours, consistently, once a week or so. When my kids were small, my sister and one of our friends had a babysitting co-op that we did every Monday. I am seriously considering looking for people to do this with again. Funny, I didn’t realize how seriously I was considering that until I typed it out – but I guess I am.

I think that part of celebrating the mom I am also entails looking for areas where I need to improve and taking steps to do so. I’ve mentioned before doing the Non-Violent Communication Workbook, and have been putting it off. In recent months, my grandmother’s health has been deteriorating, so my parents are moving in with her. This is an understandably difficult transition for all of them, but the dysfunctional communication that I’ve always known was there is rampant.

It’s ugly.

It’s harsh – and I realized that that’s how I sound when I talk to my kids sometimes. Talk about an eye-opener. Plus, as cycles are wont to do, I’m starting to see those communicative malfunctions in my kids. So in a Herculean effort to break this destructive cycle, we started the NVC Workbook together last week, as part of our school work. We’re on week one/chapter one, and I have another post in the works that details some of the chapter and workbook. So far, so good; we made posters that detail the four main points of NVC: What do I see? Feel? Need? and How can you help (request for action)? We’ve been practicing, and it’s going to tale a while to change the pattern, but it’s worth the effort to do so.

I’ve also been upping my meditation time. I have a space in my new bedroom that is dedicated to such internal musings, and I am making daily use of it. I’ve also been working on the 60 Ways to Nurture Myself list, trying to implement at least one daily; more if possible.

What about you? What does ‘being comfortable with the mom you are’ mean to you?

Warmly,

August 2, 2011 | Categories: All About Me, Attachment Parenting, Lessons Learned, Mom's Health, NVC, Parenting, Personal Growth, Rambling Thoughts, She said WHAT? | Tags: attachment parenting, balance, family, nurturing myself, NVC, Parenting, SuperMom Complex, unrealistic expectations | 1 Comment »

Highlights from our Camping Trip

We spent most of last week on a camping trip. This was our longest planned trip – 5 days/4 nights, and we ended up coming back home early because there was rain in the forecast (and we were just plain ready to be home again). Incredibly, by Monday afternoon, we were unpacked, cleaned up and mostly recovered. We even stopped by the car wash and vacuumed out the van [gold star for mom}. I really thought that it would be later in the week before everything was back to normal.

We’ve more or less been on a mini-break from school this week; mama needs a couple more days before she’s up to full-scale lessons. We’re covering a little Latin and some math drills, and some literature and history. Plus, with our aforementioned spring cleaning and outdoors-y activeness going on, there are plenty of unschoolish ways to accomplish our lessons right now. Next week should be back to our normal workload.

This is our second camping trip with friends PB&JMom and SFK and their kiddos. No daddies again; I’m feeling quite outdoorsy with all this camping experience under my belt now. I might have to look more into the Texas Outdoor Woman program if this is going to continue. We took our first back in October, in the same park, but a different unit. This time, we were a bit better prepared – I think that camping is going to be come a regular thing for us, so I’m all about containerization. My mother was the Queen of Camping – everything in bins ready to go at a moment’s notice. I’m following in those uber-capable footsteps and making up our own containers. So far, I have 2 Sterlite containers (just like this one, only WAY bigger and not clear) that house our camping gear, and the interactive list from Gander Mountain makes packing a cinch. I love those containers. I have them in all sizes to house my crafting supplies, the kids’ toys and all kinds of other stuff.

Contrary to my nature, I left most of the packing to the morning of, which put us several hours later than I’d originally planned on leaving. That worked out well in the end though as PB&JMom and I ended up catching up to one another on the way. We were there and set up by 1PM or so, which was nice. That left the entire afternoon for relaxing and playing. SFK and her girls joined us later in the afternoon.

When we got finished unloading and setting up the tents, the four boys asked to start a fire, and being the responsible mothers that we are, said ‘Sure’ and handed them lightsticks. That kept them occupied for the next four or so hours, and like the heathen children that they are, danced wildly around the fire ring as they finally got it to catch and stay lit.

Friday was off to an early start. My early risers are even more-so when we’re close to Mother Nature. With birdsong, beams of sunlight and the roar of glittering fishing boats on the water, there really was little chance of sleeping in to begin with, yet I always hope and am ever denied. The boys spent much of the morning off and away – biking, fire stoking and wood-gathering, hanging out at the pier and running off to the play area. With their absence, you’d think that it would be very peaceful but you’d be wrong. The girls were much more interested in mommy-convos than in exploring the great outdoors and consequently had to be chased off (often with a huff and a stomp away) multiple times. We did take the kids hiking Friday afternoon, and got some good pictures of our little adventure.

Saturday morning called for a trip into Jasper for some extra supplies. My little air mattress had a couple of pin-holes in it that I repaired before we left, but apparently I missed one and was waking up ass-on-the-ground. That’s extremely unpleasant, so I bought a new mattress (a double height one – yay!) and a cushy mat for PeaGreen (since a mattress will not fit inside his little elephant tent. We have a bee tent like this one, too, for LBB. I found them at Target when the boys were itty bitty and we’ve used them more than I ever thought we would. (I don’t know that I’d pay $40 bucks for them now though…)

We were supposed to have a repeat performance of the SOAR program that we saw a couple of weeks ago, but apparently their plans changed and we got to see Ms. Catherine feeding her snakes instead. The kids all thought that was equally (if not more) fascinating. Look at their faces! When I was little, my dad kept a rainbow boa and a king snake – we fed them live mice. Ms. Catherine’s were frozen, then placed on a heating lamp to warm them up. The kids were both disgusted and enthralled by the whole process.

Our original plan had been to stay until Monday, but with the weather threatening to rain Sunday evening and just plain missing our daddy-shaped person, we decided to pack it up and after a brief stop to visit my much-missed brother, SIL and kidlets, we headed home.

If our camping trips will get easier as we get more used to them, and we can expect an even smoother set-up and take-down next time, then this will get progressively more enjoyable as we go along. This trip was much easier, I think. We planned a little better, and opted for less cooking (more finger foods and sandwiches) and less ambitious activities. The children were largely out of sight, which was both nice and worrisome. I stayed in my tent and read a great deal Sunday, and while I fretted occasionally about them, I made myself trust that they were capable and as they had demonstrated a propensity for following the rules we set, that they would continue to do so. I was in no way disappointed. They all returned safe and sound, and I think better off for being allowed the freedom to play without much adult interference. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.

Warmly,

March 3, 2011 | Categories: Attachment Parenting, Field Trip, Group Lesson, Homeschooling Resources, Lessons Learned, Never Stop Learning, Parenting, Science, Socialization, Vacation | Tags: attachment parenting, benefits of homeschooling, camping, family, Field Trip, homeschooling, Parenting, raising responsible adults | 2 Comments »

The CRC vs. Parental Rights

It seems that the Convention on the Rights of the Child(CRC) is back on the blog front again lately… With both Smrt Lernins posting about it and Homeschooling a Texas Tornado and a Pre-School Tag-A-Long, I thought I’d weigh in with my thoughts. This is not a new post; I’ve had it as a draft since July 2010 and just have never finished it. There are parts of the CRC that I agree with but I also think it is seriously flawed. Anything, once written in stone, can be manipulated and I see vast, gaping holes in the CRC, and definitely with various advocate’s interpretation of them. So here’s my previously unpublished post, updated in a few spots to allow for current insights:

While looking for picture for the ‘parents as experts‘ post, I came across this blog debating the CRC vs. Parental Rights. Now, keep in mind that the Parental Rights site/group seems to be made up primarily of right-wing Christian organizations and while I am decidedly not in agreement with everything that group espouses, I am interested in the debate.

My intent in writing the ‘parents as experts’ post was originally to promote parental confidence and empowerment in the face of friends/family/pediatricians/behavioral therapists who disagree or criticize your parenting style or methods (particularly if the naysayer is authoritarian or strong disciplinarian and you’ve chosen a route that is… not), but the issues raised by the CRC and the Opposition are interesting, and I believe that they deserve my attention (and resulting lengthy commentary).

Although there are many, many points that I’d like to address, the ones that stand out glaringly in such a way as to create the beginnings of a headache right behind my left eye are points number 1 & 3, which read:

1. A child’s “right to be heard” would allow him (or her) to seek governmental review of every parental decision with which the child disagreed. Firstly, the frequently [sic] with which children seek government review of their parents’ decisions will likely be extremely rare. But that point aside, why is this wrong? If parents believe what they are doing is right, then why should they worry about it? Unless parents are being abusive, then this shouldn’t be a problem. And really, this boils down to parents rights vs. children’s rights.

My question is, how do you know that children calling for reviews of their parents’ decisions will be rare? I’m also curious if this blogger has any idea how introducing such a standard into practice could impact families. Even little decisions could be called into question – sure, that’s unlikely on a large-scale, but suppose someone makes a complaint about you to CPS. Upon investigation, it comes to light that your child ‘disagrees’ with many things that you, as a parent, have deemed to be right and good and in their best interests. That possibility is by no means uncommon, but with the weight of the CRC behind them, this could easily lead to long-term interference in your family’s dynamic.

‘Why is this wrong’, we’re asked? First of all, just because you, the parent, have research and professional opinions on your side does NOT mean that you’re going to be proven right or allowed to continue as you were when under investigation by ‘the authorities’. Remember that they always have their own professionals who have opinions which may very well conflict with yours. Child protective organizations nationwide have cases where normal parents – GOOD parents who simply do things differently than the mainstream – have had their decisions called into question, been put under investigation and had their children removed and traumatized because some overzealous social worker or opinionated old-school judge disagreed with the parent’s decisions.

As a parent, there are decisions to make every single day. Sometimes you’re going to do the best/right thing, sometimes you’re going to make a mistake – but few parents deliberately make bad decisions out of malice. On virtually every issue there are two sides to consider. Then you have to weigh the information against incoming advice from well-meaning friends and family, and take into consideration your own biases before coming to a decision. In many cases, even having clear-cut medical reasoning and sound scientific grounding on your side is not always enough to combat mainstream corporate America with its death grip on dictating what is normal and acceptable and therefore ‘best’. If you doubt that, start doing some research on any controversial parenting topic and you’ll see what I mean.

Giving a child the power to question a parent’s right to decide and make decisions for themselves is ludicrous. Children do not have the knowledge or life experience to make the kinds of decisions that parents have to make every day. Parents are responsible for shaping the whole person of their child – nurturing and molding an essentially self-centered being into a productive and functional member of society. Children do not possess the forethought to see how today’s actions impact tomorrow’s results and cannot possibly be expected to weigh the required information needed to make those kinds of decisions for themselves. That’s more than many parents are capable of, which is why policies like the CRC sound like a good idea to some - to save children from incompetent or under-educated parents. Why not address the actual ‘problem’ rather than tear down the structure of the family in an attempt to fix it?

3. The best interest of the child principle would give the government the ability to override every decision made by every parent if a government worker disagreed with the parent’s decision. Um, yeah. You know why? As flawed as governments are, as stupid and biased as politicians can be, then tend to be somewhat influenced by experts in the area of child development when it comes to this stuff. Parents on the other hand can vary. A lot. There’s no requirements to be a parent other than being able to reproduce. Some parents don’t have a clue. You need a license to drive a car or to fish, but there’s no “skill testing question” you need to pass in order to parent. Some people with kids are dumbasses. Sometimes it should be up to social workers and child psychologists to interfere when the parents are doing things that will harm the child. This is one of the best points in the document.

Um, actually… NO. And here’s why:

While I agree that in some cases it might be appropriate for a government or other authority to interfere for the benefit of the child, giving any ole government worker the authority to intervene simply because they don’t agree with the parent’s decision is playing with FIRE. In fact, there are already safeguards in place within the existing agencies to protect the safety of the child – pediatricians, hospital employees, teachers, school nurses all are obligated to report suspicion of abuse or neglect to the authorities who then investigate – and even the limited powers that those agencies can be and have been exploited because of a mere difference of opinion. The system is by no means perfect, and children do fall through the cracks, but as tragic as that is, the answer to this problem is not punishing or discriminating against parents as a class of society.

You have heard the adage about opinions, right? Even the most pedestrian governmental worker can have an opinion. They may think that they know best when in reality they have little or no experience with children or child-rearing and they certainly cannot style themselves as authorities on your particular child. Giving them the power to usurp parental authority without clear, documented and proven danger or harm to the child’s physical, emotional or educational being is wrong, wrong, wrong.

For example, take the decision not to vaccinate. That’s a touchy and highly controversial topic that most educated parents labor over. Even the experts are divided on the topic. The bottom line is that as the parent, that is MY decision to make. If my decision conflicts with the opinions of others – of doctors and scientists even, is it the wrong decision? There is ample evidence on either side of that equation, so who gets the final say on whether or not I am neglecting or harming my children by not vaccinating? I feel that vaccinations are toxic and that the risks associated with getting them overshadow the as yet unproven potential benefits of getting them. I have one child whom I believe to be negatively affected by the few vaccinations he did have, and I will FIGHT to ensure that his body is not further used as a guinea pig by the entities in government who are supposed to put his needs and best interests first but don’t.

I take issue with the statement, “As flawed as governments are, as stupid and biased as politicians can be, then tend to be somewhat influenced by experts in the area of child development when it comes to this stuff.” In a world where we’re constantly bombarded with news coverage about how studies on this medical topic or that public health issue are funded by big pharma, or how policies are enacted to prevent lawsuits, or how mothers are arrested for refusing to submit to invasive medical procedures because a judge disagrees with her decision… I think it is patently obvious that governments and their agents are more influenced by money and kickbacks than they are by The Facts(tm).

My decision not to vaccinate was not one that was made lightly, or on a whim. It was a carefully and painstakingly researched decision made after long hours of contemplation, studiously examining the material available and consulting with professionals who are able to debate rationally on the subject. Because this is such a highly controversial subject, my decision is one that I have had to defend to ‘authorities’ who disagree with me. At the end of the day, my base argument is that THIS IS MY CHILD. I GET TO MAKE THE DECISIONS REGARDING HIS CARE. PERIOD. That’s my ace in the hole when dealing with people in authority positions who have a differing opinion from mine. My point in this illustration is that even when you have experts on your side, that may not be enough. I daresay that I know more about the dangers and risks associated with vaccination than your average WIC or Medicaid employee. Yet as governmental authorities, would they have the power to override my decisions, despite my superior knowledge on the subject in general and personal history of my child? The CRC certainly puts that out there as a possibility.

I think one of my main objections to the CRC is that it sets the stage, even invites the government into the family. I don’t think that’s a place the gov’t has any right to be. Personal freedom is something that American treasure – it’s a basic right that we all believe we possess and are conditioned to fight for. The CRC seems to give the child ‘rights’ above and beyond basic HUMAN rights. I think human rights cover them plenty. The US has the largest scale abuse of the legal system in the world – the CRC puts avenues in place for children to legally question every move that their parents make – which ties up already overworked caseworkers and brings them into a situation where they have no business being. Children could be removed from homes when there is nothing more than a disagreement and the CRC only gives more weight to those kids of cases. We’ll end up spending millions in taxpayer money to handle these cases (because no child I know can afford a lawyer – yet one must be provided to see to the child’s interests in the debate). There are also the costs of foster care and the wages of the additional employees to oversee each and every complaint.

I see the CRC as setting the stage for pitting parents against children. We’re supposed to be promoting family unity, not declaring all out war on parents. It seems to me that a better use for all that money would be in founding public education programs and parenting support groups, and ensuring that the places that parents already go to seek information and support (like their doctors) are giving evidence/research-based and non-biased information. Take steps to ensure access to information and protection from advertising, like starting with comprehensive sex-education in schools and banning the distribution of formula samples on maternity wards at hospitals and kickbacks to doctors for medication promotions that pharmaceutical companies are using to taint the information pool.

As for the religious components… it is a parent’s responsibility to share their beliefs with their child – to direct and guide. Yes, some take that to the extreme, but again – unless there is abuse and the child can be moved to a safe environment, then the child WILL eventually grow up and have the opportunity to make different choices. You can’t dictate every aspect of the population’s life and as a country that was essentially founded on Christian piers, most of our citizens are deeply rooted in their faith and want to share that with their kids. Some religions go so far as to teach that their way is the only way to salvation. Some faiths DO teach – as tenets of their faith – that people of other religions will not share the same glorious future; some teach that people who do not share their faith will be destroyed in a holy war. That’s not hate, exactly, but that type of mindset doesn’t breed tolerance, acceptance or help one set of people peaceably coexist with another – and that can be counted under the CRC’s anti-hate policy… which comes very close to if not treading all over freedom of religion… which is one of the cornerstones of the United States. While I personally disagree with that kind of mindset and dogmatic religious thinking, I do respect the RIGHT of any American to believe as they choose. I don’t ally myself with any organized religion, but I do believe that parents should have the right to freedom of religion and belief, and to enforce that in their own households.

I will say that I vehemently disagree with the notion that opposing the CRC has anything to do with belief in ‘owning’ our children. I think that is a rather simplistic viewpoint that does not take into consideration the many, many ways in which the CRC’s points can be mishandled or used against parents. My opposition comes into play because of my deeply held sense of responsibility to do what is best for my children, especially when my decisions are questioned by authority figures. I think that the majority of parents feel duty and responsibility towards their children – obligation to them and in that, my fellow bloggers and I are in agreement – having children is a monumental responsibility that should not be undertaken lightly.

I don’t know any parents who had children to get something out of it. There is also a sense of interdependency in virtually all of the families I know – I have yet to sense a need for liberation of the child from the tyranny of parental authority among most families. The CRC seems to me to set parents up for attack and to foster the idea that parents exist only by the grace of authority and a warning to overstep those bounds at your own risk.

I think that very few people see children as chattel – comparing the state of children to women or black people or Chinese people in the past is inaccurate because grown women and African-Americans and the Chinese are fully functioning beings. Children would not survive without caregivers – without parents to set limits that children do not have the mental skills or life experience to see the benefit of. Women, slaves and oppressed peoples have never been less intelligent or less capable than their ‘keepers’, and though children may be intelligent, few would argue that children have the same level of common sense, experience and forethought/benefit of hindsight that adults have. The same holds true for such things as medical treatment – not elective procedures that can be put off until the child is an adult, but for life-saving treatment - you betcha that is both my right and responsibility to determine the best course of action for my child’s treatment. Neither ‘right’ nor ‘responsibility’ of that statement can be over-emphasized - they are equally important and both should be minded with the utmost care.

Regarding DaMomma’s post, her ‘Parent’s Bill of No-Rights’ was posted in regard to a TN proposal that would give virtually all divorced parents 50/50 custody of (and therefore ‘rights’ to) their child. I think that using that list in defense of the CRC is misleading – when parents divorce, there are many, many issues at play and often the competency of one parent or both is called into question. In that situation, you’re already inviting gov’t into your family. The CRC intrudes where no invitation was issued and interference is unwelcome.

That said, and thought I agree with many, I also disagree with some of DaMomma’s points; I absolutely believe that I am entitled to respect – both as a parent and as a PERSON. I would be a poor parent indeed if I did not teach my children to respect others – starting with the members of their own family. It goes hand-in-hand with the idea that respect is earned, not freely given; I teach best by modeling. I respect myself, I respect my husband, and I respect my kids. In turn, I expect – and rightfully so – respect from all of those people in return. Additionally, I absolutely have the right to see my own children. Unless I have done something to them that is in such disregard for their well-being so as to require the removal of my parental rights – I absolutely have the right to see and care for my own child. Divorcing parents may need to defend that right in the light of unjust attacks on their character by a vindictive ex-spouse, but most parents aren’t, and should not be, subject to that process. Setting up government in place to superseded that right is madness.

Again, I go back to thinking that money would be well-spent in social educational and support programs that are designed to provide unbiased information – all of the information, from all sides to review and implement according to their own philosophy. Parents who perpetuate the mistakes that previous generations have made do so not because they don’t love their children, but because they HONESTLY BELIEVE that it is the best or only way to properly raise their children. I am here to tell you that I have personally seen the difference that education and support can make in a mother’s mindset and world-view. Seeing a mother who had an elective c-section, circ’d her baby boy in the hospital and formula fed make completely opposite choices after being regularly exposed to mothers with different ways of doing things reinforces my belief that access to information and support is the key – not mandating laws which seem good on the surface but open doors to the destruction of the family as we know it. I don’t think that opposition to the CRC has anything to do with ‘child ownership’. I think opposing the CRC has everything to do with the autonomy of the family and living up to the many, heavy responsibilities that come along with those rights.

Warmly,

Additional Resources:

http://childrightscampaign.org/documents/OppositiontotheCRC.pdf

http://homeschooling.suite101.com/article.cfm/legitimate-homeschool-socialization-concerns

January 23, 2011 | Categories: Advocacy, Circumcision, Parenting, Rambling Thoughts, Religion, She said WHAT?, Vaccination | Tags: commentary, family, Parenting, raising responsible adults | 13 Comments »

Jackals and Giraffes – Introduction to NVC

As a parent, one of my ideals dictates that I try to ‘do better when I know better’. One of the areas that I struggle so much with is communication. I am finding myself having less patience and less compassion for my kids when it comes to what I expect of them, particularly regarding finishing schoolwork. Some days I find myself drifting farther away from the kind of parent I strive to be, and so I am actively taking steps to move back in the direction that I want to flow.

I picked up Marshall B. Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and the companion workbook by Lucy Leu several years ago. I’ve read through them but not really worked the workbook in the way it recommends. This is my goal for the next few months. It’s a 13 week program, and while I may not complete it in 13 weeks, I am going to work through reading and completing the workbook exercises. I’ve asked a few friends to try it with me in a practice group, but no one’s taken me up on it yet. If you’re interested in working it too, then please join in – post your blog in the comments and what tag you’ll post your NVC group posts under and we’ll make a blog ring.

I am starting by registering with NVC Academy. It’s free and though there are classes that you can pay for, there are also several free downloadable audio courses and also some other free materials, including the Feelings and Needs Reference Guide (4 pages) and the NVC Circle of Life (the mandala at the top of the page is the CoL). I sometimes find myself disconnected from how I feel about something, and I would like to change that. I think having a list to help me identify what I feel will help. The Circle of Life wheel details the four principles of NVC and how they relate to either ‘giraffe’ language or ‘jackal’ language. The giraffe and jackal are symbols of NVC, and though I probably won’t be using them overmuch, the symbols are somewhat accurate, I think. Giraffes are gentle and jackals really aren’t and so ‘serve as a guide inviting a return’ to giraffe.

The workbook suggests clarifying what it is you hope to gain from a study of NVC. It’s a big time commitment and mental effort to go through the course, so being clear about how much of both you’re willing to invest is a good starting point.

What I hope to gain:

a better understanding of my own feelings and motivations
to communicate my feelings and needs more effectively
to listen and understand my family’s feelings and needs more effectively
to help my children communicate more effectively

I will try to keep my practice noted here and in my journal under the “NVC’ category.

So… this is going to be the beginning. I am going to read Chapter 1 and start on the Workbook’s Lesson 1 and will record thoughts and feeling throughout the week, then post a review of CH.1 next week.

Ruth Bebermeyer’s poem, Words are Windows (or They’re Walls), is in Chapter One, and a lovely way to begin:

I feel so sentenced by your words,
I feel so judged and sent away,
Before I go I’ve got to know
Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak in hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they’re walls,
They sentence us, or set us free.
When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say,
Things that mean so much to me,
If my words don’t make me clear,
Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,
If you felt I didn’t care,
Try to listen through my words
To the feelings that we share.

Warmly,

November 9, 2010 | Categories: All About Me, Homeschooling Tips and Tricks, NVC, Parenting, Personal Growth | Tags: attachment parenting, communication, NVC, Parenting, raising responsible adults | 4 Comments »

Thankfulness Tree

So everyone on my Facebook friends list in playing the ‘Thankful Every Day’ game. Every morning (and evening, because all my friends are not on the same schedule – who knew?), I wake up to a wall full of ‘Today I am thankful for…’ posts. It’s both lovely and frustrating at the same time.

It’s lovely – of course it’s lovely to be thankful for the many, many wonderful things and people in our lives, it really is. I love that there is a time of year that people can wax nostalgic and poetic and it’s not only tolerated but encouraged. It’s reassuring to me to see to see that people actually do take time out and recognize the special people and events and good fortune that have graced their lives, and whether or not they attribute that to a certain deity or not, it makes me feel good to live in a world where my friends are conscious of and readily acknowledge the good things in their lives.

As non-church-goers, some may question how we instill a spirit of thankfulness in our kids. I don’t buy into the ‘every good thing comes from God’ rhetoric, though I was raised with it. To this day, I’ve never gotten a satisfactory answer to why good things happen to bad people. I don’t want a theological debate here; Loverly Husband and I are quite happy where we are spiritually speaking; but it is enough for us to disdain the thought of bringing our children up into that lifestyle and mindset.

So how do we go about bringing up our kids to be thankful? Honestly, I don’t think that we have any more difficulty in this regard than your average church-going family. Demonstration goes a long way towards how your children are shaped as they grow up and my husband and I both try to model good behaviour and habits for our kids. We try to point out the wonder and mystery in everyday life and express appreciation that we’re here to see it, that we live in the here and now, and that we have them in our lives to share it with.

We’ve brought them up Southern Style, with ‘yes, ma’am’s and ‘no, sir’s and general good manners, which include an awareness of kindness shown to you by others. My kids are fairly polite (often without being prompted, even!) and are generous with their ‘Thank Yous’ both in everyday life and when we see or experience something unusual, extraordinary or amazing. But it’s one thing to be thankful and yet another to be consciously exercising thankfulness. To that end, I do think that my kids could expend a little more mental effort into consciously acknowledging the good things in their lives. I saw a thread on SecularHomeschool.com’s forums about a Thankfulness Tree, where the kids add ‘leaves’ everyday throughout the month. I thought it was a lovely idea, and we have made one of our own:

It is interesting to me to see the progression of what the kids are thankful for; how it starts out fairly superficial and is leaning more towards the conveniences that we take for granted. ‘Clean clothes’ made the list today, and ‘my home’, which is different from the house as a physical building, I’m told. I’m very curious as to what will make the list as the month continues. Judging by today’s additions though, I think we’re doing fine.

Warmly,

November 4, 2010 | Categories: Holiday Lessons, Rambling Thoughts, Secular Thursday, She said WHAT? | Tags: homeschooling, Parenting, raising responsible adults, secular homeschooling, Secular Thursday | 4 Comments »

Kids will be Kids…and that’s Okay

I have been thinking about homeschooling and ‘image’ again. The other day, we had a couple of moms over and about 11 children ranging in age from 13-ish to 3 running in and out, and apparently ‘something’ happened between some of the boys. My first reaction in that situation is a raised eyebrow. That’s about it. Whatever happened wasn’t enough for any child to come running in crying and/or bleeding, which usually indicates that it wasn’t a major ‘thing’. But both of the moms whose boys were involved left, inexplicably. There was no discussion, there was no intervention to find out what happened and attempt to resolve the issue… they just packed up and left.

At first, I had no clue that anything was amiss. There were 11 kids running around, and since some kids (and moms) are of the sensitive variety, I can see how that much action in our small house might throw some people’s inner workings off. I figured that was what happened. I only found out about the apparent ‘thing’ later on, with the thought being that there was embarrassment on the moms’ part because of how the kids were acting at a homeschool group function. To put some perspective on this, both of the moms in question are or were very active in a local faith-based co-op. Overall, my impression of such groups is that image is of prime concern; how the children act is a direct reflection on how the mothers are perceived by the group and I’m sure to some degree, cast doubt on how good of an influence these children are on the others. There are several aspects to this scenario that bother me.

1. Mom gets so wrapped up in ‘image’ that she willingly accepts this conditional acceptance by her peers.

Why, oh, why do moms do this? Please repeat after me: ‘If my friends don’t like or understand my kids, then they’re NOT MY FRIENDS.’ Your children, in some ways, are a reflection of you. They aren’t mirror images, and their own personalities and thoughts and experiences will shape them differently than you, but on some levels, your kids reflect what you think is important. Presumably, you’re doing the best you can, instilling into your children the values and virtues that you think are important. If your friends don’t like or understand or accept your kids, then guess what. They don’t really like or understand or accept YOU, either. That’s really all there is to this point.

If the people who you are currently hangin’ out with are passing judgement on you, your lifestyle or your ability as a mother, then they don’t like you. Stop hanging out with them. You’re not learning anything from them. They are not enriching your life in any way. You’re setting a bad example for your children by putting up with that kind of crap. They’re making your life worse. Find new friends. Even if you can’t find new friends, being by yourself is less harmful to you than hanging out with those h8rs. Ditch ‘em.

2. The children learn NOTHING when ‘retreat and regroup’ is your primary coping mechanism.

Children argue. That’s a given. It’s normal. They’re emotionally and mentally immature people who lack essential communication tools to effectively handle a confrontation without loosing a grip on their emotions. That’s why they have parents – to help pack their tool box ‘on the fly’. As a parent, you hope that these teaching moments won’t come in public, but they so often do, and when the opportunity presents itself, you can either teach or run. I’m no paragon of perfection – I’ve lost my temper in public on more than one occasion with my kids (usually due to neglecting or not recognizing my own needs at the time), which generally necessitates running to the car or other neutral environment to assess the situation. But the kids don’t really learn anything about communication through ‘retreat and regroup’.

As homeschoolers, our kids aren’t subjected to playground wars or bullies – and thank goodness for that. Unfortunately, kids are kids pretty much everywhere, and conflict resolution is an essential tool that I don’t think is ever perfected. I think that letting our personal embarrassment get in the way of equipping our kids for healthy communication cripples them. And this ties back into the first point – why would you want to be a part of a group that does not respect the needs of the child, and that values the importance of a parent taking advantage of a teaching opportunity?

I have a great deal of respect for a mom who sees something that needs addressing - and not the ‘Hey stop that!’ kind of addressing – but really digs into it with her kid, looking behind the obvious and dealing with the issues behind an action that motivate the child. It takes effort and balls to stay calm in the face of a meltdown and communicate with your child when everyone around you is looking on with a keen and critical eye. It’s hard enough with strangers; I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be when you know that your ‘friends’ will be even more judgmental.

I’m not perfect, but for the most part, I’m content to give my boys enough space to work out their own troubles. I try to stay out of it, but with an open ear so that if I need to step in and help facilitate communication, I can. As difficult as this has been, now that they’re 8 and 7, I am starting to see real results from this method (yay!). That is to say, they can often work out issues with their friends with a few words, rather than it being a big blow-up thing. Factors like hormones, amount of rest, hunger, growing pains, ‘muchness’ – all of this plays a role in how our kids FEEL and ACT in any give day or situation. For that matter, all of those things also play a significant role in how WE feel and act – and respond to our kids. But as parents, we do our best to monitor and take into consideration what our kids NEED at the time and do our best to provide it so that they have a level playing field to work from.

That’s not always going to happen of course; my kids both require – REQUIRE – food every couple of hours. But I’m human and sometimes forget that – or get the notion that they ‘should’ be able to be okay without food for a little longer (which usually ends with a spectacular fail on my part), forgetting momentarily that children usually are doing the very best that they can right now… I believe that expecting more out of my kids than they’re able to provide is detrimental to the kids and to the structure of our family, so we try not to do that. Same goes for my friends and their kids. I expect them to do what they can. Sometimes leaving is the only option, but I sincerely hope that when you must have one of those ‘teaching moments’ with your kid, you can feel the vibes of support that I’m sending in your direction.

Warmly,

September 23, 2010 | Categories: Secular Thursday | Tags: homeschool group dynamics, Parenting, raising responsible adults, Secular Thursday, special needs child, unrealistic expectations | 12 Comments »

Sunday Surf for 9-12

This week, I actually browsed the web ‘with intent’ – with an eye towards what I would recommend this week. I definitely like that better, and as such I’ve already begun my list for next Sunday’s surf post.

When I started participating in SS, I was trying to keep my recommendations more parenting centered, but that hasn’t been working for me. Since my kids are older, I think it would be odd for my SS post to extol the virtues of cloth diapers and debate the merits of sling vs. crotch-dangler carrier (even though I whole heartedly advocate cloth, at last part-time, and slings are clearly superior to front pack style carriers).

So, I am going to stop trying to fit into the mold that Authentic Parenting has kind of set by the posts that she recommends (not that she only wants XYZ style recommendations or anything – it was my own limits, I think, that were stifling me) and focus on articles that interest and apply to my life.

So, without further adieu, today’s recommended reading can be found at:

The Scientific Homeschool’s Using Questions to Create a Climate of Inquiry in the Homeschool Environment points out the benefits of using questions to help your homeschooler learn to think better.
Age of Autism’s article, CDC Admits No Rigorous Study Refuting Thimerosal-Autism Link Ever Conducted points out something that I have long felt might be true – that despite assurances that they have eliminated the link between autism and mercury, they really have not done rigorous research to back that claim.
SizzleBop’sMean Adults- Part One is the first of a three-part series dealing with adults who don;t like your high-needs kiddo. Excellent and HIGHLY recommended!
Enjoy Parenting’s Go With the Flow… Even If It’s ‘Wrong’ was an article that I really took to heart. I have such a linear thought plan as to how the day should progress or how things should be done that I often find myself irritated at deviations from it. This reminder that kids are creative and such thought patterns really are stifling, and can create unnecessary friction.
Lesson Pathways’ Blog Carnival of Homeschooling: The Road Less Traveled Edition. This is a collection of posts from various methods and styles of homeschooling that talk about the paths that are open, and how their journeys have begun and changed and where they are now. There is some very interesting reading, so I recommended the entire thread rather than pick out individual posts.

For more Sunday Surfing, visit Breastfeeding Moms Unite, Domesticated Woman, Maman A Droit, Hobo Mama and Baby Dust Diaries.

So… what have you been reading this week?

Warmly,

September 12, 2010 | Categories: Homeschooling Tips and Tricks, Parenting, Sunday Surf, Vaccination | Tags: home, homeschooling, Parenting, sunday surf | 1 Comment »

Summer Reading Clubs are Bad? WHAT??

So… I found this article this morning, Why My Children Do Not Participate in Summer Reading Competitions (It’s a free downloadable article, but I think it’s only available until today). Since we just wrapped up our highly enjoyable SRC, in which we participated fully and absolutely adored, you can see how this might have piqued my interest, yes?

I’m all for differing opinions, but the suggestion in this article is not merely that the mom in question doesn’t like them or chooses not to participate – she suggests that enrolling your child in reading clubs like the SRC’s could be damaging… Well, of course, anytime someone suggests that what I choose to do with my children might damage them, I’m interested in exploring their assertions more fully.

One of the things I came away with is that some of the opinions that the author expresses are apparently based on the assumption that the child is the only one involved in the SRC, and if that is the case, then I do kinda agree with her. If the SRC is the only avenue that the child experiences encouragement to read in, then the potential for the child to focus on the reward and not the book content is there. On the other hand, many SRCs are set up because of the fact that it truly may be the only exposure to encouragement in reading that some children have.

If the child is not being encouraged to read at home, then participation in the SRC may ultimately serve to help that child develop a love of reading. Even if they focus on the reward at first, the chance that at some point they’ll stumble on a book that really grabs them is high. For a lot of kids, myself included, regardless of the home environment and attitude towards reading, reading is a chore. It wasn’t until I was in 5th grade and came across the Nancy Drew series of books that I fell in love with reading as a hobby – and I was reading ‘well’ in the 1st grade. Until I found Nancy Drew, I LOATHED reading – and I come from an extremely pro-reading childhood home.

‘Holding a prize in front of a child or setting a deadline may distract the child from taking adequate time to comprehend the material, enjoy it, or improve reading skills.’

This statement seems to assume that the children are reading on their own, and that no parent is going back over what they’ve read with them. That simple step can avoid her whole point here. Right now, my kids don’t always enjoy reading. They enjoy the things that they choose to read, but we do have some stories or chapters that are assigned to them to read that works in conjunction with another assignment or project. If an incentive will help them get through the assignment, then I am all for it. As far as comprehension goes, my kids are not reading and then left to understand or not on their own. I’m right there with them, reading along with them or going back over the material with them. I don’t think that there’s a single book that my kids have read that me or my husband have not been interested in enough to discuss it with them.

As for enjoyment … well, I don’t think that all reading is supposed to be ‘enjoyable’. Sometimes, you read something because you need to know information that is contained in the text. Sometimes, you read in order to get where you’re going with a minimal amount of distraction. Sometimes you read so that you’re not agreeing to something you didn’t intend. Teaching kids that reading is always enjoyable, or only to be enjoyed is the wrong message. Now, granted, when you’re talking about new readers you do want them to have a certain enjoyment in it, but I can tell you from my experience, had I not been required to check out at least 2 books from the library I never would have found Nancy Drew. Had I not been required to write a book report, I never would have actually sat down and read the book. The only reason I ever even opened it was because of the deadline and threat of a bad grade over my head. So again, what the author of the article says about reading for enjoyment, I disagree with.

On reading to improve reading skills… I tend to think that any reading is going to work to improve your child’s reading skills, but especially books that they choose. Reading clubs encourage your child to pick books – books of their own choosing – to read. Presumably, your child will pick books that appeal to him, but even if he’s being a turkey and just grabbing 2 off the shelf, he might find accidentally grab something that he’ll enjoy.

PeaGreen isn’t a terribly proficient reader, but he found lots of books that he wanted to rad for the SRC. LittleBoyBlue is a really good reader, but he’s the one who just grabs 2 to fulfill Mom’s requirement. It wasn’t until we stumbled upon the non-fiction books about wounds and first aid (with photographs of real injuries) that his interest was piqued. In both cases, the books that they read did serve to encourage them to read more, which by default will improve their reading skills.

‘Worst of all, if the child does not fulfill the full requirement to earn the prize, he or she may feel like a failure, associate it with reading, and avoid reading in the future.’

At the risk of being snarky, I think that’s a big stretch. I think that a child’s perception of success, especially a young child, has a LOT to do with the parent’s assessment and view of the situation. Any parent worth her salt can help a child re-think his view of a situation, even a ‘chronically inflexible’ child like mine. I have yet to see a SRC’s minimum for completion be something that is terribly challenging to achieve. If, as a parent, I know my child has this goal, wouldn’t I do everything I can to help him reach it? All the clubs I know of just had a number of books that a child must read in order to complete it. Our library’s number was 20. Over the course of 2 months. Hardly unattainable, right?

In light of that, if my child can’t reach that goal, then the first person I’m looking at to find out why is, frankly, Mom. What was I doing in all this time that prevented me from helping my kid reach this goal? And even if something happened this summer and we just really could not focus on something as frivolous as a reading club, then I would venture to say that as a parent, it’s my job to help my child understand that sometimes life simply gets in the way of the fun things we want to do. Explain that next summer will be here soon enough and we can try again, and try to come up with something that we can do to in the meantime to help him reach that goal (like a bedtime reading boot camp, or keep books in the car and read on the road…). We can’t always have what we want, and we have to learn to be adaptable.

Aside from that, we’re not always going to win. I think that avoiding competition in order to ‘protect’ my child from feeling like a failure is an erroneous strategy. A child doesn’t feel like a failure because he didn’t win or didn’t reach a goal. He feels like a failure because the people around him aren’t supportive. If my child didn’t succeed this time, then I think it’s my job as his parent to help him put that into perspective and help him set new goals. Whatever happened to ‘winning isn’t everything’? Participation and having fun are just as important, and if it truly is a competition, then learning how to lose gracefully is just as important a lesson to learn (perhaps more important, since there is usually only one winner – odds are that you’ll lose in life more than you’ll win).

The other point that the author brings up is the much debated issue of ‘payment for good grades’. When my kids were in school, we often combated the dreaded “I don’t wanna get dressed and go to school” complaint with, “Well Dad doesn’t want to go to work every day either, but he has to and so do you. School is your job, just like work is Daddy’s and keeping the house up is Mommy’s”. Well, leave it to my incredibly clever LittleBoyBlue to retort immediately with, “Well Daddy gets paid to do his job. We don’t get paid to go to school.” o_O

So yeah. We devised a plan reminiscent of real life whereby doing your job well nets you a reward (income). Doing it poorly results in consequence (loss of income). Then we decided that school was annoying and decided to homeschool, which pretty much makes the issue of ‘grades’ moot (though we do actually keep ‘grades’ – but it’s not quite the same as in school because we’re not on a schedule that pushes through to the next thing regardless of comprehension.)

I do agree with this wholeheartedly:

We learn best what interests us and what is enjoyable to learn…. Grades are punitive in and of themselves as they judge and rank our children.

… and with her other points on grading as a system of assessment in institutionalized educational settings. Homeschooling is an entirely different bag-of-yarn*. I agree that offering a reward or incentive of cash for A’s may not work for every kid, but it’s also not always the big, horrible, always-negative thing that the author seems to be making it out to be. Like so many things in parenting, I think it’s going to be an individual kid, individual family type thing. What works for me may not work for you – but that doesn’t make either one of us inherently wrong. It just makes us different.

Warmly,

* for my loverly husband, who was trying to think of ‘ball of wax’ this morning and came out with ‘bag of yarn’ {wink}

August 17, 2010 | Categories: Rambling Thoughts, Reading, She said WHAT? | Tags: commentary, debate, Parenting, summer reading club, YMMV | 4 Comments »

Religion = good behavior?

(Notes on this post: I was gone all afternoon on Thursday, so this is my Secular Thursday post for this week, even though today is Saturday; and this post comes about in contemplation of this article, Study: Religion is Good for Kids.)

I consider myself a spiritual person in that I have a strong moral code and set of beliefs about deity that I adhere to in order to explain the unexplainable, and my beliefs may or may not agree with yours. I’m really fine with that. I even enjoy discussing religion as a topic, and as long as your plan is to merely share your beliefs and not to attempt to bash me over the head with your Jesus stick or shove your bible down my throat in a misguided attempt at ‘saving’ me, then even if we fundamentally disagree on every point, in my opinion, we can still be friends.

Now, before we go much further I will admit that, living in the Bible Belt, when I hear reference to ‘religion’ I automatically assume that you’re talking about Christianity. I realize that I may be showing my small town southern roots here, but since most of my comments about the theory of “religion=good kids” are in relation to how some Christian authors tell you how to raise kids and my own experiences with Christianity, and since the resulting clashes in child rearing philosophy between what they advocate and what I think is good and right have left a somewhat negative impression on me, that’s my bias.

If you’ve read here before, then you may have seen commentary about certain so-called ‘Christian’ authors who advocate practices that can only be described as child abuse. I have been fairly vocal about my opinions of such authors, but have not really delved into the ‘why’. Aside from the obvious, my personal child-rearing philosophy is quite different from theirs. Even if you take away the abusive aspects, I would still not recommend these authors’ ideas because of the way they perceive the nature of a child to be (i.e.: sinful and selfish, out to manipulate, etc.)

To be clear, I am in no way saying that all Christian parents are abusive, nor am I equating a religious upbringing (regardless of sect) with abusive households in every case. What I am exploring here is my own experience with a Christian upbringing and the tendency among Christian parents to use corporal punishment as a first line of defense for all transgressions, both small and great, to control and coerce children into what is viewed as acceptable (and therefore ‘godly’) behavior.

I really have a problem with them using religion as an indicator of behavior in small children. It sends the message that the end result justifies whatever means you use to achieve that. For lots of Christian families, the tools they use can border on abuse, both physical and emotional. I am not outright opposed to spanking as many are, but I do think that we parents are surely intelligent enough to reach our children without resorting to physical punishment from the get-go. From my own experience, we were spanked without consideration of the external factors that contributed to the situation and were usually expected to accept punishment with a minimum of fuss or else face additional punishment if we failed to get our emotions under control within the alloted time frame. We were expected to ‘straighten up and fly right with only a word, because we knew that the consequence for failing to mind was severe and painful.

In such an environment, of course the children will ‘behave’ – they’re terrified of getting into trouble! I was always looking for a way, any way, to avoid getting in trouble. Telling the truth netted a spanking most of the time, as would lying, but a lie would delay the spanking for however long. When you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, what would you do to save your butt? It’s hardly fair to compare the behavior of children from a home where the parents, because of their religious beliefs, require strict obedience and/or a joyful attitude even in the face of painful punishment to those who come from homes where the children are treated as whole human beings with the same rights owed to them as any adult. You wouldn’t punish your friend who was grouchy because she was hungry or tired, you’d make excuses for them, or offer them food or facilitate a nap if possible. Why are children, who are less capable of attributing grouchiness to another need than adults are, not worthy of being treated similarly?

If you take out the word “religion” and substitute “strong moral code”, then I pretty much agree with much of what the article says. I don’t think that any of the results that the researcher found would not be able to be duplicated in an environment where the parents had a strong network of support from similarly minded peers (for example, regular attendance at a playgroup, parenting support group or homeschooling group meeting). Frequency may play a role, and as few of those other type groups are so rigid or structured as religious services the results may not be exactly comparable, but I don’t think that the characteristics that they polled (behavior, self-control, social skills and approaches to learning) are limited to ‘religious’ families – I think it has more to do with support in general.

One of the primary ‘lessons’ I came away with as an adult is to hide emotions. Even now, I am not all that great at reflecting how I am feeling and it took me a long time to stop ‘acting’ happy when I darn well wasn’t. That’s not what I want for my kids, and even though it is more challenging to watch them act how they feel, it is comforting to me to know that my children are in touch with their feelings, and we’re all learning to communicate and address needs better because of it.

The last paragraph of the article reads,

“There are certain expectations about children’s behavior within a religious context, particularly within religious worship services,” he said. These expectations might frustrate parents, he said, and make congregational worship “a less viable option if they feel their kids are really poorly behaved.”

I assert that ‘poorly behaved’ is a misleading phrase. If ‘poorly behaved’ means that my kids are more impulsive (because they didn’t get their hands slapped every time they reached for something) or less apt to sit still for long periods of time (because they weren’t threatened with a wooden spoon if they wiggled during church) or be quiet when they feel they’ve been wronged (because they weren’t conditioned to accept punishment because they’ve probably done something to be punished for that wasn’t witnessed), but you know what? I’m okay with that. In fact, I prefer it.

I saw a tee-shirt the other say that said, “Know Religion, No Peace. No Religion, Know Peace”. While I don’t think that’s necessarily true in all cases, I find it to be a provocative statement that might be worth your consideration.

Warmly,

August 14, 2010 | Categories: Religion, Secular Thursday, She said WHAT? | Tags: commentary, Parenting, raising responsible adults, religion | 7 Comments »

Experts and Their Assorted Opinions

If there’s one thing I have learned since becoming a parent, it is that everyone, including those who have never met your kids and those who have zero experience with children, period, seems to think that they are child-rearing experts and that despite the fact that you never once asked for their opinions, feel the need to share it with you – and then have the nerve to be annoyed at you for disregarding their advice. It’s even worse when said would-be advisor actually does have a little bit of knowledge or experience – as if that somehow makes them the expert on this situation or on your child and requires you to be grateful to be on the receiving end of such gems of parental wisdom. Strangely enough, this isn’t a phenomenon limited to new parents. Take a hungry or over-tired 7-year-old child out in public and see how much ‘helpful’ advice you get, or tell someone about the experience and see how you ‘should have’ handled it.

Meet the REAL Experts: We call them “Parents”

If there is one thing that I want to say, one message that I want to get out into the world, it is this:

Parents, please remember that YOU are the expert on your child!

No one is more uniquely qualified to handle your child better than you are. In saying that, even the terminally argumentative can surely figure out that I am automatically disqualifying anyone who doesn’t like their kids or kids in general, is a selfish or immature parent (or is otherwise incapable of putting the needs of someone else, whom they’re entirely responsible for, ahead of their own), or who has been declared unfit or had their parental rights stripped, from inclusion that statement. If that’s not you, then you’re already aware that every decision regarding your child’s care and upbringing must be made with your child’s needs in mind – and no one knows more about your kiddo and how his or her needs might best be met than you do[1].

The problem in our society is that we forget that. Much like when we’re pregnant and at the OB’s office we mysteriously forget that the last 30 years living inside said body pretty much makes you the expert on anything that happens with or to that body the moment that the OB tells you whats best rather than offering an opinion on what might be a possible course of action or treatment and letting us decide (but that’s another issue).

When it comes to our kids though, as new parents we’re often looked upon with condescension – like somehow we’re not capable of deciding a course of action. We forget that by the end of the first day, a new mom has had more hands-on time with her babe than anyone else (excluding NICU families here – but you get the point). In most cases, that, added with the biological imperative that parents have to protect their young gives the new parent a distinct edge that cannot be duplicated.

I’m not saying that new parents shouldn’t ask for or listen to advice or support – far from it! Even the most experienced mama benefits from having a helping hand in the first few weeks. My point here is that we should take note of who we’re asking for advice and support, what their qualifications for giving advice are, and why they’re giving it; what their motivation in advocating that course of action is.

Just recently, I’ve spoken with 2 new moms, one who was using Babywise as a guide, and one with a ‘helpful’ MIL who probably meant to be but in reality was anything but. In both cases, the mom in question’s natural instincts were intruded upon to the point that she really couldn’t tell which way they were pointing her. I sincerely hope that both of those moms ended their conversations with me feeling more in control of their own mothering. One thing that my business partner and I tell our clients is that when seeking mothering advice, find someone who is the mom she wants to be, or one who has the kind relationship with her kids that she wants to have and ask that mom for advice. Or at the very least, ask that mom for book or website recommendations. Asking someone who is not doing what you want to do, or isn’t selling what you want to buy is just going to end in frustration and possibly hurt feelings.

It seems that asking friends or family would be a good idea, and it certainly can be – but not always. Your mother, sister, aunt and all love you and want only the best for you and your child, but often their advice comes from a desire to validate their own choices, regardless of whether they’re actually happy with the choices they made. That sounds harsh to say, but it’s true. Our choices are validated when others follow suit. When we make different choices than our mother or mother-in-law did, effectively, we’re saying that her was is/was wrong and that she wasn’t /isn’t a good mother. It’s not something many will verbalize, but unconsciously it’s there and often causes conflict. If that’s the case, reassurance and validation can go a long way towards mending that relationship without compromising on the things you believe are best for your child.

Something else to consider is the timeline. Information changes! What was commonly done 10, 15 and 20 years ago is contraindicated today. Sleep training with the ‘Ferber Method‘ is still touted as the way to go, but many don’t realize that Dr. Richard Ferber recanted his advice on sleep training and actually recommends the exact opposite of what he once promoted. Even this notorious ‘expert’ now bows to the superior wisdom of the parent on the subject of ‘what is best’ for their own families. Putting cereal in baby’s bottle at days or weeks old was commonplace is now widely regarded as dangerous, yet many grandmas (and pedi’s here in Southeast Texas!!) still tell new moms to do just that ‘to help baby sleep’.

We tend to forget the value in ‘been there, done that’ advice. Take a moment to examine the issue you’re having and seek advice from those who have experienced what you’re dealing with and most importantly, have solved the issue in a way that is compatible with your personal philosophy or parenting goals. There are moms groups like La Leche Leagueand Attachment Parenting International support groups that specialize in supporting parents and making sure that the advice shared among the parents in their groups is factual, effective and research-based.

Take breastfeeding, for example. Many new moms seek breastfeeding management advice from their pediatrician. On the surface, that seems to be a good idea, but look closer and you’ll find that there are much better sources of information. Pediatricians are generally not specifically educated in the normal course of breastfeeding. They’re trained to look for pathology – medical problems that need medical solutions. If your baby is not gaining weight, then their first course of action is often to supplement with formula, whereas a lactation consultant – someone who is specifically educated in breastfeeding management – knows that formula supplementation is a slippery slope that often has detrimental effects on breastfeeding. An LC knows that there are steps to be taken that are better at solving weight gain issues that will preserve the breastfeeding relationship and will support you as you take them. Bad information from ill-informed, uneducated or out-dated sources leads to adverse affects on your milk supply, which can (has and does!) lead to mom feeling like she failed at breastfeeding, which can lead to depression[2].

Another source of bad breastfeeding information is relatives and friends who either did not breastfeed or did not breastfeed successfully. Women who, in many cases, also got bad information from their pediatricians or friends and relatives. Having such ‘helpful’ expressions of doubts and constant second guessing only erodes mom’s confidence and ability to be effective at instinctively navigating her way through nurturing her babe. Worse, passing on bad information only perpetuates the cycle of failed breastfeeding attempts. In the age in information, it’s easy to find credible information online that addresses most topics, but we need confidence in ourselves to be able to overlook face to face instruction and go with something as impersonal as a website or article.

That’s just one example – where the baby is born, where the baby sleeps, how often baby is to be held, how the baby is diapered, whether the baby is vaccinated or not – it seems that each and every aspect of parenting is up for challenge by someone. As support people, we need to be aware of the things we say to new moms and dads. Sharing our negative or horrible experiences with pregnant and new parents is virtually always detrimental. What new parents need is encouragement to do research – read, ask questions, attend support groups – gather information! There’s an adage about ‘when you know better, you do better’. That’s the position that many of us ‘experienced’ moms find ourselves in – having a wealth of knowledge and experience and knowing how it feels to learn something years later that would have made a difference in the choices we made. It’s tough to see someone making the wrong choices, but who is to say what’s right or wrong?

We need to encourage the new parents in our lives to trust themselves – trust that they can make good decisions – and then we need to step back and trust in their ability to do right for their own families. After all, they’re the ones who have to live with the choices they make. If the baby sleeps in their bed, then trust that they have a good reason for doing so, and let them do it. If they nurse the baby every hour, trust that they’ve done the research on how breastfeeding works and that they know their baby best and can accurately determine when the best time to feed the baby is.

As mothers and fathers, we need to learn to be more proactive when learning about the options we have, and to be more assertive when it comes to advocating for what we feel is on our kids’ best interest. We also need to learn to listen to what the doctor/therapist/neighbor/mother in law says and take that into consideration, but ultimately one of the perks of being The Mama [3] is that you get to make the decision. Let’s make sure they’re good ones.

Warmly,

[1] I have found that many disagreements regarding parenting issues come when one parent (the primary caregiver) wants to do one thing and the other parent (often the ‘breadwinner’) wants to do something else. Most often, that dynamic is mom-at-home, dad-at-word so for the purposes of this illustration, that’s the dynamic I’m using. If your sitch is different, then replace pronouns or monikers as needed so that the shoe fits.

If communication or disagreement with your bread-winning hubby or partner is an issue, then the analogy of ‘mothering is my JOB, just like XYZ is your job. I take it as seriously as you take your job, by reading, looking up information, consulting with professionals and peers in my profession (i.e.: other mothers) and continually endeavoring to do my job better – just like you do. As the primary caregiver, this is the course of action I feel is best based on my ‘training’.‘ may work – with tweaks and expansion as required by your family’s dynamic.

[2] I went looking for articles to back that statement up and found mostly articles that dealt with a mom suffering with PDD or clinical depression who is also breastfeeding and the guilt associated with stopping nursing. I probably could find other material, but I am satisfied just speaking from experience – I have personally worked with mothers who suffered an onset of depression (both diagnosed and treated and who went undiagnosed) after they ‘failed’ at breastfeeding. I use the term ‘failed’ very loosely here as in most of those cases, it was a lack of good information and mis-treatment of a breastfeeding management issue by what should have been a trusted professional (i.e.: pediatrician, OB, L&D nurse or nursery nurse) that was a direct result of the ‘failure’. They were cases of the medical system failing the mother by not providing adequate resources for the health and benefit of their clients, yet most mothers will not see it that way. They internalize it as a personal failure – which can and does lead to depression and long-term negative impact on the woman as a mother.

[3] or The Papa, or whatever your chosen role and honorific {wink}

July 13, 2010 | Categories: Advocacy, Breastfeeding, Cry it Out - CIO, Parenting, Rambling Thoughts, She said WHAT? | Tags: commentary, common sense, life-lessons, Parenting, raising responsible adults | 1 Comment »

Sex Education in School

I woke up to this today, reposted on Facebook: Massachusetts School District Under Fire For Condom Policy. In stark contrast, Texas maintains an ‘abstinence only education’ policy despite the rising number of teen pregnancies in our schools, which obviously shows that ‘abstinence only’ education really works! [/sarcasm] – well, after the picture…

Isn’t that an awesome picture? I think it illustrates exactly the atmosphere that abstinence only education breeds. All the while, parents are sticking their heads in the sand and hoping that their kids aren’t doing it too. And they’re wrong.

Sex Education in schools is a topic that is woefully under addressed. I really don’t see why this is not a more openly debated topic in Southeast Texas. Well, I know why it’s not, really. We have a disproportionately large number of churches to other buildings here. The religious right has their finger firmly in that pie, and who knows what it will take to release the masses from their death-grip on the idea that ‘sex=sin’. I just don’t understand why so many people go merrily along with it instead of openly advocating for their kids to have access to the education and information they need to make better choices.

Here’s the rub: if abstinence only education (AOE) actually worked, then teaching it would be fine. I was even fine with a trial period to test the theory. But it does not work. A cursory glimpse of any research on the topic will tell you that. It didn’t work for us; why on earth would we start thinking that it will work for our kids? AOE leaves our kids vulnerable. Not informing and arming our kids through education leaves them wide open for exposure to disease, pregnancy (and the subsequent very grown-up decisions one must face with an unplanned pregnancy), being talking into having sex before they’re ready (which can lead to depression and self-esteem issues) and a host of other complications as well. Even if a child is coerced into having sex before he or she is ready, at least a condom will lessen the risk of having a permanently life-altering physical consequence from the encounter.

Some parents don’t even want their kids to have access to basic biological information and terminology. Many go so far as to deny their kids information about how their bodies work and the changes that take place in them as puberty begins. ‘Carrie‘, anyone? I’ve seen this attitude first-hand here in Southeast Texas. One of the programs that my BFF/business partner and I tired to implement a couple of years ago with our organization was a ‘body awareness’ class targeting mothers and daughters. The target age range was for mothers and girls about to enter puberty. The class was designed with two goals in mind – to provide a basic education of how the female body works and to increase communication between mother (or female guardian/trusted female relative or friend) and daughter by addressing and opening the floor to topics that may be uncomfortable to bring up. We were met with outright opposition to the very idea of talking to girls as young as 9 or 10 about their monthly cycle and the development of breasts – as if frank discussion about such topics was somehow obscene. Some moms were profoundly offended, despite the fact that we clearly were not addressing sexual topics other that just a very, very basic mention of the mechanics. We also sought to encourage moms to open a dialogue about the other issues surrounding sex and ‘sexual activity within the context of their own individual belief systems’ with their children. We were not pushing anything onto these people, other than the idea that ‘girls need education’.

Boys do, too – don’t for one second think I am leaving them out. I have two of them on the precipice of puberty and that is a mind-blowing thought. But I can tell you that the discussions have already begun. At 8 and 7, my boys know where babies come from and we’ve talked about physical intimacy in roundabout ways. But the time is fast approaching where they’ll need more information and just because I’m squicked out by the idea of my sons thinking about having sex does not give me the right to withhold information they need in order to do so safely. Recognizing that gives me the opportunity and responsibility to continue talking with them about when it is right to have sex within the context of our belief system. Those types of discussions contribute to their ability to make the decision that is right for them.

The argument that sex education encourages kids to have sex is ludicrous. Sure, you might (I kinda doubt it, but the possibility exists) have a handful kids who would not otherwise have had sex until someone told them about it, but I would assert that those few kids have deeper issues in their lives that have impacted that decision than having access to condoms. I would further assert that for those children, having access to birth control would go along way towards preventing additional complications in their lives.

My opinion is that proper sex education gives children the knowledge and confidence in their bodies and beliefs to say no until the time is right for them, and when it is right, to engage in sexual activity with their own futures and safety, and the futures and safety of their partners, in mind.

Loverly Husband and I have recently begun watching the series Mad Men, and in one of the first episodes a young woman is at the gynecologists office and asks for birth control pills. He gives them to her, but threatens to take her off of them if she abuses them. He says that just because she is safe now doesn’t mean that she has to be the town bike (or some such nonsense). As if it is his right to monitor the sexual activity of a grown woman! The thought that ‘we’, being parents, the church, the school – anyone who is not the person (‘underage person’ though they may be) in question – can dictate to anyone else when the time is right for them to engage in sexual activity is asinine. Who told you when the time was right for you to have your first sexual experience? Did you get permission? Did you use protection? I didn’t! And I was damn lucky that there were not lifelong consequences resulting from that decision. Do I ever want my kids in that position?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I think that open dialogue with our kids is the only way to help them understand that sex is not something that should be taken lightly. That the possibility of pregnancy always exists, even with protection. That ‘sex’ is not always ‘intercourse’. That prophylactics can fail, leaving you open to exposure to disease. That you may feel differently after you’ve had sex. That other kids may see you differently after you’ve had sex. That it will probably feel good. That No means NO. That sometimes, sex is just sex. That intimacy and sex are not the same thing. That waiting doesn’t make you a loser, or immature, or a prude. That you have absolute autonomy when it comes to your own body.

There are so many issues surrounding sex that should be addressed, and I think that many parents put those intense and uncomfortable discussions off because they either think they have more time (forgetting that our babies grow up so lightening-quick that if you blink you might miss it…) or they are so uncomfortable with the topic that they avoid it.

Sex is NOT going to go away – and if YOU don’t talk to your kids about it, someone else will. In fact, if you’re not talking to your kids about sex, they probably are talking to someone else about it. Someone who may not share your views on sex. Someone who might be younger or less experienced than you. Someone who might be misinformed. Someone who might give your child bad information.

If you’re having a hard time getting sex ed into your child’s education, here are some books to help get the discussion started:

I have some of them, but I haven’t read all of those. I am buying a couple of them to ensure that we have plenty of material to work with. I consider myself a pretty open-minded mom, and progressive parent. While I don’t want my kids sexually active at a young age, I do want my children to have a healthy understanding of sex as both a biological function and as an expression of love with their partner. As much as I’d love to believe that I’ll know when my kids have their first sexual experience, realistically, I doubt that I will. In any case, I’d rather have my kids getting condoms from somewhere or someone than having this be our new life:

Warmly,

June 27, 2010 | Categories: Advocacy, Rambling Thoughts, Sex, She said WHAT? | Tags: commentary, Parenting, raising responsible adults, sex ed | 2 Comments »

SuperMom

So I’ve been trying to write this post about “SuperMom” for a couple of weeks now. I keep opening it and writing and editing it and then loosing my train of thought and saving the draft, never finishing it out. My (as ever, long-winded) point is that someone called me a “SuperMom” the other day (and though I’ll not pretend like it didn’t make me feel good to have a near-stranger acknowledge the total awesomeness that is me), it got me thinking about how that comment, though meant in most instances as a compliment, seems more like self-depreciating commentary on her own mothering by the person saying it; that somehow she’s not measuring up to the invisible yardstick that we all carry.

Mothers are competitive. Oh yes, we are – don’t try to deny it! For many of us, becoming a mother is the single most life-altering experience that we go through and it leaves us forever and profoundly changed. Not only in and of yourself, but also with the title of “Mom” comes the immense responsibility of creating a complete and functional person. We’ve all seen how our own parents have screwed up, and most of us are determined not to make the same mistakes. On some level, I think we all go into being a mom (at least mentally) just knowing that we’re going to be perfect parents. Then your babe is born, reality sets in and we all kinda realize that we are in NO WAY qualified to do this job. In the first few weeks, your life changes so much – you had no idea how different things would be. On the one hand, you’re thrilled with this opportunity. On the other, you’re second guessing yourself, wondering if you haven’t just bitten off significantly more than you can chew.

But somehow you get through. You wake up one day and realize that you’ve worked through the initial issues getting started and that you’re actually breastfeeding and it’s going well. You discover that cloth diapers are not as horrible as you always thought they’d be (in fact, you’re kinda enjoying them). The prospect of making your baby’s food instead of buying jarred sounds intriguing rather than crazy. You discover that you actually love having your baby in your bed. Your baby is happy and healthy and content and you start to fall into a routine – and the routine becomes your life. You gain confidence – after that first sleepless night where the baby cried ALL NIGHT LONG and you made it through; stick a feather in your cap. Then you’re hitting milestones and baby is starting to respond to you – smiling, reaching for toys, rolling over… and the competition starts. You start seeking other moms with babies that are close in age to yours and talking. You’re mentally comparing your baby to theirs – is she doing this? Is he doing that? It’s not intentional – but it happens. You even tell yourself that ‘every baby is different and they all develop at their own pace’ – but you still start to feel happy if your baby is a bit ahead, or worry if your babe is lagging behind. Still, you reassure yourself that you’re a good mom and that’s all that matters, right?

Then there are the different ways that parents have with their babes. Depending on which books they’ve read, or which ones you’ve read (or what websites, or what their friends do, or what their family has told them to do or not to do…), they might feed by breast or bottle, baby might sleep with them or in a crib, they might diaper in cloth or in disposables, they might vaccinate or not – there are so many options and so much information to process and such a short time frame in which to process it – how do you go about deciding what’s best?

Most of us make our choices and then in some form or another, pass judgement on parents who follow different paths. It’s normal and natural – not that I endorse doing so; I’m saying that it’s just how it is. Most of us try to overcome that tendency and keep an open mind when it comes to differences – but the truth is that we all do what we do with our kids because we believe that THIS is the RIGHT way to do it. Of course it is; otherwise, why would we do that? So deep down, we all individually believe that we’re a better parent than any other – for our own kids, at least. And we have to believe that or we would be paralyzed by indecision and constantly second guessing ourselves. Kids need a stable environment, and being a wishy-washy parent is not conducive to stability.

The problem comes in when we find moms who we observe doing things that we like that are in conflict with what we do or with a belief about child rearing that we have committed ourselves to – or worse, somehow, is when you get more information and realize that you’ve done something that you really wish you hadn’t (or didn’t do something you really wish you had). I think one of the single hardest things to do as a parent is to admit that we were wrong about something. When it comes to something ‘big’ like discovering that what we thought we knew is wrong, it’s even harder. And somehow, when we start talking to other moms and they’re doing (or not doing) something we wish we had (or hadn’t), we feel guilty and some of us go on the defensive.

There’s a saying, ‘When you know better, do better.” I first heard it when I was contemplating not having any more vaccines for my oldest. The statement was meant, I believe, to alleviate guilt that a mom feels when she makes a decision that was based on too little information, education or research. This is a hard thing for me – not for the decisions I made in ignorance (like circumcision – I wishwishwish I’d had more info on that ‘routine procedure’ before my kids were born), but in the crusade to help other moms avoid the same mistakes I made. I know how it feels to field unwanted advice, but I also know how it feels to wish someone had told me that what I was doing had an alternative. So where do you find the balance? Is there a balance?

I do think that teaching by example is a viable way to educate. The drawback there is that as my kids get older, I have less and less opportunity to talk about topics that relate to babies, which is when I think new moms need access to information and alternatives. There is so much that happens in that first year or two that can be irreparable (circ, vax, CIO) and can do such lasting damage, and there just isn’t that much information out there on the alteratives in the mainstream that isn’t negatively biased. Unless you stumble across Mothering magazine or a La Leche League meeting, or are lucky enough to have an API group or other ‘crunchy moms‘ group in your area, you’re probably not going to hear a lot about alternatives to the mainstream (which is c-section, bottle-feeding, crib-sleeping, sleep-training, cry-it-out, stroller pushing, fully vaxed on schedule, disposable diapering, starting Gerber at 6 months, etc.)

It doesn’t end there. As your babe gets older, it’s not just the babies that you’re watching – you start taking in what other moms are doing too and comparing yourself. But does that really do any good? Well, sure. You can always pick up tips and ideas from watching what other moms do. I learned about baby-wearing and slings (and how and why they’re different and better than baby carriers*) and about all kinds of stuff from watching and talking to other moms. I even have the few moms that I look up to – moms that I call “SuperMom” in my head – and yes, in comparing myself to them, I feel inferior. That’s what got me started on this thread… I know when I say “SuperMom”, it’s in a wishful way – I wish I had XYZ traits that I see in that mom.

I have my strengths. I’m an organized mom. I always have extra clothes, a first aid kit, snacks and something for my kids to do – and usually a book or handicraft for myself – in my bag. If it’s not in my bag, then it’s in the car. That’s just how I roll. The upside to this is that we can take on practically any task at any time. I am also a very schedule/routine-oriented person, internally. I try not to let that interfere with my kids, but I have an incredibly high need for order. It may not look like it from the outside, but it’s there. (Okay, I know it’s plainly visible from the outside – I’m not fooling anyone, lol). When I plan my day, I need to do the things I planned on doing at the right time in the right order. The downside to this (and yes, there is a downside) is that when my schedule is thrown off or I am caught unawares, it is almost catastrophic to my state of being. Not that I am not flexible on my own – I can make changes, either to accommodate the kids or due to a better plan presenting itself, and that’s fine. But for someone else to throw off my schedule is extremely vexing.

I have some mama-friends who are, like me, organized and prepared for practically anything. I also have several mama-friends who wouldn’t know how to deal with a schedule if it jumped up and smacked them in the face. I envy these women their sense of spontaneity. I envy them their ability to deal with hungry kids on the go, or not freaking out when the child gets muddy and has to ride home half-nakee and their creative solutions for things that happen in the course of the day. I envy them their calm and ‘just roll with the punches” attitude and their patience when things don’t go according to schedule. I’m sure that my rigid adherence to the plan, and pique at being thrown off of it is just as annoying to them as the fact that we’re late is to me… but somehow, we have overcome this major difference in personality and style and have forged amazingly strong and supportive friendships, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have these women in my life to lean on and learn from. In our own ways, we’re providing the optimal environment for our children to thrive in. We’re meeting their needs – as many of them as we can. That’s our job, and we’re all damn good at it in our own ways.

Innate as being ‘judgy-judgy’ is to moms, we need to make the effort to move past that when we feel it creeping up inside. We also need to move past going on the defensive when someone talks about doing things differently than we do. We each need to be secure in our beliefs and philosophy and parenting style that what we’re doing for our children is right for them, and to be open to making changes when we find a better path. We need to be able to listen to another’s explanation or thoughts and weigh whether or not they have any merit for us or can be adapted for use in our own family.

Back to the “SuperMom” comment… it seems to me that there are plenty of criticisms coming in from many different angles once you become a parent; why add to that with self-depreciating comments of your own? I think the main thing we need to ask when we start second guessing ourselves is, “What does my heart tell me to do?” The instincts of a mother are pre-programmed into her brain. Without them, our species would not have survived this long, so there must be some value in them. We need to help each other, as mothers, to rediscover and trust the inherent wisdom that comes with motherhood. As a mom, YOU are the authority on your children – you’re with them more than anyone else (ideally) and you have a unique biological connection to your child that no one else can replicate. No one is better qualified to be your child’s mother than YOU. So no matter what your style or philosophy or failings, the only one who really needs to think that you’re a SuperMom is your kiddo – and chances are, s/he already does.

Warmly,

*not a carrier – a SLING – and not a crappy Infantino one that got recalled – any babywearing mama would have told you that those are really inferior slings – buy from a WAHM off etsy.com!

June 2, 2010 | Categories: Attachment Parenting, Baby Food, Babywearing, Breastfeeding, Circumcision, Cloth Diapering, Crunchy Mama, Cry it Out - CIO, Lessons Learned, Parenting, Rambling Thoughts | Tags: attachment parenting, balance, empowerment, life-lessons, Parenting, SuperMom Complex | 2 Comments »

This week…

We’ve been out of pocket for most of this week. I love that phrase, “out of pocket”. It makes me happy. Anyway – Monday, we were home – a normal day, if you will. It was so nice outside, so we spent a lot of the day outside. The boys have a couple of small tents that they’ve had for years. They asked to set them up, so we did.

Tuesday, LittleBoyBlue had a doctor’s appointment, so we went to that in the morning and then had school in the afternoon. It was rainy all afternoon, so we were kinda trapped.

Today is Wednesday, playgroup day, so we went to that this morning. A reporter from the local newspaper called and asked if she could come talk to our group’s moms about babywearing. Our group is pretty AP-centered (attachment parenting). We have lots of breastfeeding moms who are also into things like babywearing, co-sleeping, cloth diapering or elimination communication, homeschooling, making their own baby food, have vaccine-free kiddos – that kind of thing. It’s always nice to have an opportunity to talk about things like that in the local media, and it’s really nice to have so many of our moms come out to support things like that.

This afternoon, we went for a bike ride and then tried to have school outside, but after half an hour of “getting situated” with no “finally comfy” in sight, I made the boys go inside and finish their work at their desks.

After that, it was chore time (cleaning their room, again…) and dishes, which they did for the first time. we’re dishwasher-less, so it’s really a case of doing the dishes. They did a pretty good job!

This evening, I’m watching my Loverly Husband do laundry and sweep. It’s kinda sexy.

I have some pictures from the last week or so that I’ll add later on.

Warmly,

March 17, 2010 | Categories: Daily Review, Parenting | Tags: Parenting, setxplaygroup | 1 Comment »

“Little Beauty” – a book review

I met some friends* at Barnes & Noble this afternoon for coffee and some kid-free (well, my kids free, anyway) social time. One friend had her littles with her, so we brought our coffee to the kids area to chat while the kids played with books and such. One book, on display, was this one about a gorilla and a kitten.

The story starts off great – Gorilla and Kitten have this great relationship; they are the best of friends… until one day, when Gorilla loses his temper and smashes the TV. When the “keepers” become concerned about Kitten’s safety and come to take Kitten away, Kitten jumps in and explains the damage away by taking the rap for smashing the TV and everyone laughs and the incident goes away.

Wait, what?

The bigger, stronger person in this relationship gets mad, smashes something and then the smaller and weaker person, wanting to protect the relationship, takes the blame? The everyone laughs and it all goes away?

Let’s stop for a moment and think this lesson through. Your friend, dare we say “partner” in your relationship, gets mad and breaks something. Rather than be chastised for such an outburst, and having a discussion on more productive ways (giving our kids alternatives and strategies) of dealing with our angry feelings, we’re going to teach our kids that:

(if you’re the aggressor) you don’t have to own up to your momentary lapse in good judgement and apologize, or

(if you’re the bystander) that it’s okay to lie and say that you did something you did not in order to protect your partner?

And people are PRAISING this piece of work? Are you freaking kidding me? o_O

“Little Beauty” by Anthony Browne – it’s a piece of something all right.

Surely we can give our children better reading material, right?

Warmly,

* for Amy, who knew I’d blog about it!

February 26, 2010 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: book review, Parenting, raising responsible adults | Leave A Comment »

Back into the Routine

This morning started out a bit disappointing. I really expected us to pick right up where we left off a week ago and for things to move along swimmingly. In retrospect, I don’t know why I thought that since none of us are particularly quick to adapt to new things (be they schedules or shoes). One of those silly super-mom things, maybe?

I think the break was good; it gave the kids a lot of time to re-charge and me some much-needed time to plan. I’m better prepared going into this mod than I was when we pulled the kids out of their former school. Over the break this past week though, I think I failed to help them stay in the mindset we were in at the end of the least mod. Failed may be too strong of a word. On one hand, I wanted to take a complete break – to let the kids really pursue their own thing – and they did. It was more entertainment driven than academic driven though, and part of me is disappointed by that. Maybe it’s vanity? Could it be that “now that I’m a homeschooling mom”, some small part of me wants them to be academically driven 90% of the time or something? That’s dumb, but I can’t guarantee you that in some dark corner of my mind, a part of me wasn’t expecting that. Realistically, I don’t want them to be little encyclopedias. I want them to be well-rounded, and to know how to enjoy life – so that precludes becoming little egg-heads who are book-smart with no common sense or social skills. We went straight from school-school to homeschool, so we probably really needed some time to adjust to our new reality. “Break” meant ‘veg-out’ to all of us this past week, and I’d like to feel like that wasn’t a bad thing. Not too much TV (more than usual, but sprinkled liberally with days outside, plus they were grounded for the latter half of the week, so that helped, lol). I do feel like I could have helped create more opportunities for natural learning; though we did hit the library Wednesday as scheduled, and LittleBoyBlue took much more interest in seeking his own books (outside of the ones I assigned him), so that makes me happy. I’ll definitely work on making more of an effort to expand daily activities into learning ones next break though. I wonder how much of that will start to come naturally the further away from “school” we get? It seems like a sort of natural transition; I’m curious to see how that plays out.

Accomplishments during the break:

… not much, other than lesson planning for this mod. {sigh}. We did hit the library (as mentioned) and Manning’s (local school/office supply store) and got a new wall calendar/weather station and some other materials that we’ll use for this mod (I think I mentioned the math manipulatives in a previous post). I made more sourdough bread and have a starter for Amish bread that we’ll make tomorrow for Tuesday Tea.

Disappointments during the break:

I didn’t touch my sewing or even get started organizing my office. I forget what all else I said I was going to do, and thinking back, I can’t really remember what we did do. It seems like a waste… In the grand scheme of things I know it wasn’t, but to look back and not see visible evidence of accomplishment in my home (other than my lovely filled-out lesson book) is disappointing.

Not that this is an “excuse”, but my maternal grandparents are both in (different) hospitals, and my grandfather is not expected to make it home. My mom has spent the past week and is still in Houston with them. We went funeral clothing shopping and have discussed death and dying and our beliefs regarding the afterlife with the kids, as well as expectations, proper behavior and what they might see and feel at the funeral. That falls more under “life lessons” than school, but I’m glad we had the opportunity to talk about those things before there is need. It would be harder for me if I had a closer relationship with my grandparents, but due to a difference of opinion on religious outlook, I’m somewhat of an outcast. I feel bad for my mom; even though she conforms religiously, I think she’s a bit of an outcast herself, and I think she really regrets that they couldn’t show her more non-verbal approval and support than they have. Telling someone that you love them and are proud of them, that you believe in them and that you’re necessary in their life is one thing. To make them believe it, you have to show it. Frequently. I think a lot of people miss that. I know I’m guilty of not doing that enough, with my friends especially. I don’t have as much of a problem letting my family know what they mean to me, but friends – geesh. I have a much harder time letting them in. It’s easy to see areas of your life where you’re succeeding. It’s much harder to admit where you’re failing. I’m working on peering into those depths.

On the plus side, we spent several days visiting with my SIL and niece and nephew, who stayed with us for the first part of the week and then again this past weekend. We don’t often have company, especially overnight company, so it was a nice change of pace. I really enjoyed having my 2yo nephew underfoot. He’s adorable, and that’s my favorite age – so it was all-round pleasant. I’m also enjoying the closer relationship with my SIL. We drifted for a while, but we’re getting closer and it’s nice.

School-wise, I was fielding a lot of complaints today, which is frustrating. It took us longer to get through lessons, which is also aggravating. That’s a direct result of the complaining, which makes for a grouchy mom and grouchy kids. I know that part of the complaint has to do with how much writing we’re (well, they’re) doing. More compared to last mod, but they both have horrible handwriting – it’s not something we focused on, so we’re going back and re-forming the foundation there. Just about the only way to do that is to write, write, write…practice, practice, practice. Even doing it on the chalkboard or whiteboard, in crayon or markers – however “different” one tries to make it, it’s still “writing” and as such is boring (according to my kids). I am going to try the fingerpaint-in-Ziplocks method mentioned on Teachers.Net Gazette, though I think we’ll use pudding in a bag with food coloring since I am lacking finger paint at the ‘mo. I re-found a book I’ve had for ages, The Psychology of Children’s Art by Kellogg and O’Dell, and it’s so neat! Many of the pictures used as examples are finger-painted, so I’ll probably be obtaining some finger-paints and paper in the near future for the kids.

We’re also getting into science experiments this mod, and with that comes journaling and “scientific method”. We started off with too much writing there, so we’ll shorten that portion of that for the next experiment, I think. Here’s a photo re-cap of today’s experiment, “Insta-Snow” with a Super Snow Smart Tube. (and after looking this up on Amazon, I totally feel cheated! I paid $8.50 for mine; you can get them for less than half that at Amazon. Oh well, you live, you learn.)

It wasn’t cold and it didn’t “poof” as PeaGreen hypothesized or “explode into snow” as LittleBoyBlue projected it would, so both were disappointed in that regard, however snow in any form in our area is a rare and beautiful thing that is to be enjoyed to its fullest capacity in every way. We only used 1/2 teaspoon for each bowl, so there’s still plenty left for another day and another experiment. I’m thinking we’ll try mixing it with a variety of other things (milk, soda, tea, coffee, rubbing alcohol, and maybe liquor and see what the results are. We may also try adding some food coloring to one batch. We’ll keep you posted on our results!

I guess what started out as a not-so-great day ended on a pretty good note. Couple that with filing our taxes (and an expected refund) this evening and today hasn’t been so bad after all. Now, I’m off to crank up the Wii and do some yoga stretching and cardio with WiiFit, then with the kids for a bike ride. I’m “officially” training for the Gusher Half-Marathon and 5K in May starting today (I’m only doing the 5k portion though).

Warmly,

February 22, 2010 | Categories: Daily Review, Lessons Learned, Science | Tags: family, Gusher 5K, Parenting, spirituality, SuperMom Complex, unrealistic expectations | Leave A Comment »

“Just Leave Them Alone”

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook a few weeks ago and I read it, rejected most of it off-hand as semi neglectful, but I have to admit, I keep coming back to it. I’ve probably read it 50 times since she posted it, and it sounds less and less awful every time I read it. Dare I say at this point that it sounds like wonderful parenting advice?

Going hand-in-hand with the Imagination post I made a few days ago, that article has some sound theory. I’m sitting here watching my kids play Legos on the living room rug. There’s no TV on, no music on and neither child has asked to have either of those things turned on. They, like me, are simply enjoying “being” here. Now. With each other.

When someone calls my house and asks what I am doing, the answer is often “nothing”. That’s not entirely true. I am almost always watching my kids, or listening to them if they’re outside. I have noticed that when they’re outside lately, there will be long stretches of time when I can’t hear them. I’ve gone from being slightly freaked out by that to reveling in the fact that they can entertain themselves for that long, without making a ton of noise. When I peek out at them, it’s a game or a scenario that they’re playing. It’s just so neat! And this is without the interference of parental involvement.

I think what turned me off about the article initially was that it makes a parent who follows such a way seem lazy. I don’t like lazy parents. Parents who are too busy with their own thing (even if that things is just watching TV) to be bothered with their kids. I think there’s a balance that needs to be struck between letting your kids have the freedom to do their own thing and being unwilling to interact with them because you don’t have time for them. The article really doesn’t address that. It’s probably meant to be a bit tongue in cheek, and that’s fine, but I can’t help but feel like there’s some lazy mom or dad out there reading it and using that as justification for being a crappy parent.

I can see the value in leaving them alone and not having every entertainment be parent-directed. I never wanted to be one of those over-scheduled moms, shuffling kids back and forth to lessons that they don’t need to learn how to do things they don’t enjoy. We did tae kwon do one year and dance another, and though it wasn’t a huge imposition on our time, they didn’t enjoy it enough for us to stick with it, and there’s nothing right now that sparks their interest enough for me to manage classes either. I do want them to take piano at some point, but that can come later. I told my husband that with all the money we’re saving by not having the kids in classes, I am going to take the classes I want to take – probably a better use of our money and make me less inclined to ‘want’ them in classes that they aren’t interested in, too!

So here’s the manifesto… my comments are alongside in parentheses.

Manifesto of the idle parent

We reject the idea that parenting requires hard work (sorta… it requires effort, which is not always the same as hard work)
We pledge to leave our children alone (for the most part…)
That should mean that they leave us alone, too (with child-to-child issues, certainly. Letting them hash out their own problems is good for them. But there are times when they just NEED Mom or Dad’s attention, and not because they’re hungry or hurt, but because they genuinely need some of Mom or Dad’s attention. And when they do, they should have it, without reservation when they’re tiny and according to their ability to understand and wait as they age.)
We reject the rampant consumerism that invades children from the moment they are born (yes, I wholeheartedly agree!)
We read them poetry and fantastic stories without morals (yes, yes, yes!)
We drink alcohol without guilt (Occasionally, and let the kids have a sip now and then, too. Pretend you’re French or Italian and don’t be so damn puritanical!)
We reject the inner Puritan (This is why that word was stuck in my head, lol – yes – talk to the kids about life as it is, not as we were raised to think of it. Life is GOOD and full of pleasures that should be enjoyed to the fullest. Don’t deny them because someone else says you shouldn’t)
We fill the house with music and laughter (and love and life and peace and rambunctiousness and worn comfy furniture and tons of books and art supplies and good food and yummy smells…)
We don’t waste money on family days out and holidays (It’s not the big vacations that count. It’s small things like going out to a family fun night every week or making a special project that create lasting memories of childhood. No one big vacay to Disney will make up for not being present and involved every day.)
We lie in bed for as long as possible (sometimes with the kids, all snuggled up in a big puppy pile…)
We try not to interfere (but are every watchful over our young brood)
We push them into the garden and shut the door so that we can clean the house (daily)
We both work as little as possible, particularly when the kids are small (definitely)
Time is more important than money (undoubtedly)
Happy mess is better than miserable tidiness (truer words were never spoken… though a neat and orderly house does tend to lend itself more to creativity because things are easily accessible and handy. Nothing stifles creativity than having to wait until the supplies can be located.)
Down with school (more and more, yes…. though I am enjoying homeschool immensely)
We fill the house with music and merriment (or peace and quiet – whichever strikes your fancy and mood at the time.)

So that’s my thoughts on that

Warmly,

February 9, 2010 | Categories: Parenting, Rambling Thoughts | Tags: balance, commentary, Parenting, raising responsible adults | Leave A Comment »

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