Communication that Blocks Compassion – NVC Week 2
If you’re following along or just joining us, we’re working through Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, and Lucy Leu’s companion Workbook . We’re doing this as part of our homeschool curriculum and we welcome your thoughts and companionship on our journey.
Chapter two deals with what’s termed ‘life-alienating’ communication’ – those types of communication which alienate us from our own feelings and needs, and from others. There are four types that are identified: diagnosis/judgement and comparisons, denial of responsibility, demands, and ‘deserve’-oriented language (entitlement).
One of the things I took from this chapter is the admonition to take responsibility for the things that I do. I don’t tend to think of myself as one who shirks responsibility; if pressed, I’d probably gripe about being ‘too responsible’.
I was raised with the idea that your responsibilities are of paramount importance, and if they’re only met halfway, then they may as well not be met at all. My father in particular is very demanding and has little tolerance for ‘half-assing’ anything. I can’t tell you how often I heard that as a young adult and it’s something I don’t tolerate well from my own kids, either.
I see the problem with that, of course – one of my main complaints as a child was that what I DID do was never seen or recognized or acknowledged, only what remained un-done. That’s not true in every instance, and that’s not to say that praise earned wasn’t given wholeheartedly, but we had a lot of responsibilities as children – much more than my own do now, and much less supervision since my mom worked – and it was overwhelming at times.
But this chapter isn’t really about taking responsibility in those terms. It’s more about taking responsibility for your own actions as a result of and connecting them to your own needs or denial of your feelings or needs. One of the examples mentioned is of a mom talking about cooking; how she hates it, but it must be done and it’s her job to do it and so she does; not realizing the effect that fulfilling a job out of responsibility and with resentment is having a negative effect on her family. Better, perhaps, that she not do it at all if it’s going to be done ‘like that’. How directly in conflict with how I was raised!
I said that I was going to take this book a chapter a week, and I am going to continue trying to do that… but just from really putting into conscious practice the first two chapters, I can see that I am going to need to go through this book again to really flesh it out in my own life. Still, it’s got me thinking, so I’m counting that as progress.
If you’re working on your own, here are some of the questions from Chapter Two in the workbook:
Describe the meaning of ‘life alienating communication’.
Why is the word ‘tragic’ used to describe this way of expression?
What happens when people (children) do what we want them to do out of fear, guilt or shame and how does that affect them in the future?
What is the difference between VALUE judgements and MORALISTIC judgments?
Quote:
The horrors which we have seen, and the still greater horrors we shall presently see, are not signs that rebels, insubordinate, untamable men are increasing in number throughout the world, but rather that there is a constant increase in the number of obedient, docile men.” ~ George Beranos
Agree or Disagree?
The workbook goes into the different areas of our lives, the social communities that we operate in, and asks us to identify life-alienating language in them, and how we can re-phase them with giraffe-speak. It’s difficult, I won’t lie. Extremely so – and it feels ‘wrong’ to me. Again, I recognize that this is a process and that my feelings are a product of how I was raised (which is precisely why I am going through this book with my kids), but that doesn’t change the feeling that, especially in parenting matters, by not demanding appropriate behavior or that a task be completed within this time-frame or in this manner – by giving the kids an option… basically to choose not to comply – I don’t see how that will work. And then again, there’s a little niggling voice that pipes up and reminds me how much better they behave when I set reminders instead of demands, and help with chores instead of harangue. I know it works in my heart. It’s getting my head on board that is the challenge.
Warmly,
~h
(Disclaimer: This is not a certified or ‘official’ NVC anything. This is my personal journey through Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, and Lucy Leu’s NVC Companion Workbook. I am NOT an expert, nor am I particularly skilled in this process. Please use/follow/apply with those things in mind. When in doubt, please disregard my commentary and refer to the book or workbook. I make no money off of this exercise, nor is any copyright infringement meant by posting a sampling of the questions from the workbook. For best results, I strongly recommend that you purchase the book and workbook for yourself and go through them in their entirety at your leisure.)
Family Traditions
This past Saturday was the celebration of one of the few things that my side of the family celebrates – opening day of deer season. I was raised in a faith that did not allow the celebration of traditional holidays, so our family was pretty creative about finding other things to celebrate. Weddings and anniversaries were always big. Graduation parties and first/last day of school rated high on our list, too. My mom always put together some kind of summertime fun party for us too, but the one that we all sort of looked forward to was the first day of deer season – and Camp Breakfast.
The tradition is that all the men hunt and all the women cook. Being the somewhat progressive (and possibly very, very redneck) family that we are, a lot of the women hunt, too. My mom and grandmother (who do not hunt) and great-aunts (who do) usually cook. My sisters and I (who also do not hunt) are usually the pitchers-in of supplies, but this year I actually got to cook. Traditionally, it was bacon and eggs with deer sausage and biscuits or toast, but in the last few years, they’ve branched out into different recipes. This year, it was breakfast burritos, biscuits and gravy and muffins. No one leaves hungry!
(Yes, they had coke with breakfast… don’t judge; it was a special occasion). Afterwards, the kids spent the afternoon performing bike stunts with their cousins.
To go along with this ‘family holiday’, we’ve also completed a lapbook on deer. We also incorporated a couple of the mini books from the Yearling lapbook and may grab it at the library later on and do the lapbook for it as well. This is a small lapbook, but it was a very rich unit. When we were looking up predators, we ended up looking more deeply into the mythology that surrounds them (like wolves and Native American culture, and jaguars and South American culture). The art work and mythology is so interesting; I’m sure we’ll go back to those areas again.
We also got to talk about conservation and endangered animals and how it affects us when animals go extinct. We talked about how our state’s Parks and Wildlife department is reintroducing some of the larger predators to our area and the role they play in population control. I was honestly surprised by how much there was to be learned on such a seemingly simple topic. As for age-range, this lapbook was right on-target. My boys are 7 and 8, they really enjoyed working on this one. Gold Star to HomeschoolShare.com for putting together such a great book!
Warmly,
~h
Secular Musings
Why is there a need for a secular homeschool group? Why would you join a secular homeschool group?
This seems to have come up in response to an inquiry I made of some of the other homeschooling groups in the area. There is a free class for teachers and homeschooling parents through the TX Parks & Wildlife called Project Wild that we’re about to participate in, and since we need to have X number of people to set up a local class, I contacted some of the groups in the area to see if they might have an interest in this as well. Somehow, that ‘good intention’ has morphed into widespread fear that I might be trying to ‘bring the homeschooling groups together’ for some strange and scary ‘interfaith’ activities that may or may not be designed to subvert their kids away from the church.
Le sigh.
I love the picture above, because it is the personification of what is wrong with faith-based groups. They don’t understand, and they don’t want to understand. I am reminded of Chris Tse’s words in his amazing poem, “I’m Sorry I’m a Christian“:
…so confident of my own beliefs that I would never even think to think about thinking about yours.
Why ‘secular’? Mainly… because I am not ‘one of you’. I don’t feel comfortable in your groups because everything you say (esp. re: history and science and Biblical ‘truth’) is presented as fact with no room for discussion. I don’t share your convictions on those points; why would I subject myself to an environment where there is only room for one truth and not even respect for anything else? That is why we both need, and have, and have joined, a secular group.
My question to you is, ‘Why can’t you do anything without it being steeped in your faith? Do you not derive strength and fortitude from any other source? What would you/will you do if ever your faith is proven to be false? Will you cease to have a reason to live and give up all hope or will you still find that you are the same, concerned, loving parent intent on doing the best you can for your kids? That sounds sarcastic; I know it does, and yet it is an honest question.
I have long left the faith I was raised in and have remained constant. I am still the same person I have always been and I manage do so on the sole merit of my own authority, not because of faith or belief or religious dictates. I have not changed. What I believe and believe in has. I refuse to allow adherents of any religion to dictate how I feel about things, what I can see, what I can listen to, who I can be friends with or grant them authority over any other aspect of my life and lifestyle. I’m both capable of and interested in doing those things for myself.
All that said, I really do think that the Christian homeschooling community at large gets a bad rap a lot of the time. I think that the vast majority of homeschoolers are probably ‘normal’ people. They laugh at funny jokes, they watch TV, they like music – you know, normal. It’s that vocal few who have the drive (or narcissistic personality disorder?) to start and successfully run a homeschooling group who end up speaking for the group because that’s what group leaders do – whether or not all the members of a group feel that way, simply by being associated with XYZ group, people assume that you feel that way, too. For example, in my group, there are several moms who are deeply religious. I know, right? I’ll wait a minute while you reconcile that shocking thought in your head…
… Yes. DEEPLY religious. As in, their religion defines them as people and dictates their behavior and response in any given situation. I’d definitely call that deeply religious… and yet they are in a secular homeschooling group. Why? Well, because the tenets of their faith do not jive with the tenets of the already-established faith-based groups in this area. Or maybe because their main goal in homeschooling is to educate, not indoctrinate. Or maybe it’s because we have a planned group activity every week. Or maybe it’s because our motto is “Triangle Homeschoolers – This is the place where people are awesome to each other.” Either way, association and participation in a secular group does not offer commentary on the state of our members’ faith or religious convictions. Just because the group as a whole does not lean in any one particular religious direction does not mean that the members are not zealous in their own beliefs. Think ‘separation of church and state’.
Bottom line is that I (and by extension, my group) am in no way as influential as you seem to think. While it would totally rock if that were so, it’s simply not true. If a secular group is not for you, then don’t join it. We are no threat to you or your children or your beliefs or your faith-based group. My advice would be to simply ignore what doesn’t apply or appeal to you. Better yet, why don’t you come see what we’re all about before you make up your mind?
Warmly,
~h
(Sorry for the 3-days late SecThurs post… I am back-dating it though, which is cheating, I admit, but this post needed a LOT of editing.)
My Special lil’ Snowflake(s)
One of the blog/websites that I frequent lately is SizzleBop. I actually found this site years ago, then forgot about it and recently re-discovered it on Facebook. It’s a site for parents who have kids that operate outside the norm. Frequently used terms to describe them are high needs, active alert, highly distractable, out of sync… others as well, but those are the most common.
I have one of these children. Actually, depending on who you ask, I may have two of these children, though they’re very different.
LittleBoyBlue was a classic ‘high needs baby‘. I held him, quite literally, all the time either in arms or worn in the sling. I was okay with that, but it took a lot of energy to defend my actions as a new mom with him. Thankfully, my Loverly Husband was (and ever has been) on board with a more attached style of parenting, so as a united front we pretty much made most parenting topics ‘off limits’ to non-supportive family and friends. Once PeaGreen came on the scene, we got flak from so many people about our feeding methods, sleeping arrangements and discipline philosophy – things that I really tend to feel are NOYFB.
The reason that I particularly enjoy SizzleBop is because of founder Carol Barnier’s attitude towards these kids. She’s constantly reminding parents of ‘sizzlers’ not to ‘miss the gift’ in these children. That message is so very important – one that is so easy to forget when you’re in the midst of a ‘situation’ with one of these intense little people. It is, at times, so very hard to remember that they are not trying to create chaos. They’re not trying to make things more difficult. And most of the time, they’re just as frustrated as you are.
Two of my best friends have a child that is like this as well. They’re all so very similar, and easy to pick out. I can, without hesitation, say that I deeply enjoy these kids. Oh, they’re right little brats at times – probably more often than your average kiddo – but they have so much ‘much-ness’, as SFK often says, that when they’re being charming, well… gosh darn it, you’re charmed! When they’re not though, it’s exceedingly difficult to remember that the gift in these kids is the same thing that cause us parents the most grief.
I got a chart from Kindermusik years ago that had a list of positive phrases to use to describe your child. Instead of ‘argumentative’, you might say ‘opinionated’ or ‘goal oriented’. Instead of ’loud’ you might say ‘vivid’ and so on…it’s a good tool to help re-shape your attitude towards your spunky kidlet. It also makes you much more aware of the phrasing that other people use to describe your kids, and if yours are like mine (super smart and very observant), then they also understand when someone is saying one thing but meaning something else; something not so nice, and it makes your heart simply ache when you realize that your child recognizes that he is ‘different’ to the point that they’re uniquely disliked by an adult.
The thing is, my child has only ever seemed ‘different’ when I start comparing him to other kids, or hold him up to the expectations of people who really don’t matter. That’s not to say that he’s not challenging, because he is – they both are. They’re both intense little people – but that just reinforces something I have always thought and said – children are whole, complete and fully functioning little people, from the moment they’re born. One of the benefits of homeschooling for me is that there is less pressure to compare my child to any others. Yes, the homeschooling community at large is responsible for some of the most fierce competition in accomplishments for their kids, but I don’t usually buy into that mindset. I know that my kids both have unique strengths and with that comes weaknesses as well. Recognizing that has gone a long way towards having the relationship with my kids that I do… that, and having some awesome tools to help me respond in a way that is helpful.
One thing I try to always keep in mind is that the traits that we admire most in Leaders are the same ones that are so challenging to handle in children. Smart mouthed kids grow up into witty and clever adults who can get your attention with a single phrase. Kids who have limitless energy when they’re little are burning the midnight oil on whatever project has their interest as adults. Children who ask a million questions grow up to be those amazing ‘idea people’ who can think 5 steps ahead of normal people… these are things that we envy in other adults. So how do you nurture those traits without going crazy in the process?
Something that helps me is to be conscious of how I think about my kids. I’m not perfect, so obviously, I fail at this more than I succeed, but like the Kindermusick list, I try to give myself positive words and phrases to think about my kids. If I’m struggling for a word to help reshape my perspective, I can type a word that describes my feeling at the moment into Thesaurus.com and pick more positive words to replace them. It’s amazing how much that one thing alone can help shape your outlook.
Another amazingly simple tool I use is the Mistaken Goal Chart by Jane Nelson from PositiveParenting. I printed it out and have it in an easily referred to place because I need it! This is by far one of the best tools I have found that helps me really understand what my kids need and having an answer to the ever-present question ‘what do you want?!?’ makes it ever so much easier to provide them with it, especially when most of the time they are not even able to verbalize what they need.
I do believe that when children feel well, they act well. I believe that children are acting, for the most part, the best they can in that moment. That doesn’t mean that I let my kids get away with being ugly or disrespectful or bratty. It does mean that I try to understand where they’re coming from as best I can and try to make sure that I am not pushing an unrealistic expectation on them.
Warmly,
~h
Experts and Their Assorted Opinions
If there’s one thing I have learned since becoming a parent, it is that everyone, including those who have never met your kids and those who have zero experience with children, period, seems to think that they are child-rearing experts and that despite the fact that you never once asked for their opinions, feel the need to share it with you – and then have the nerve to be annoyed at you for disregarding their advice. It’s even worse when said would-be advisor actually does have a little bit of knowledge or experience – as if that somehow makes them the expert on this situation or on your child and requires you to be grateful to be on the receiving end of such gems of parental wisdom. Strangely enough, this isn’t a phenomenon limited to new parents. Take a hungry or over-tired 7-year-old child out in public and see how much ‘helpful’ advice you get, or tell someone about the experience and see how you ‘should have’ handled it.
Meet the REAL Experts: We call them “Parents”
If there is one thing that I want to say, one message that I want to get out into the world, it is this:
Parents, please remember that YOU are the expert on your child!
No one is more uniquely qualified to handle your child better than you are. In saying that, even the terminally argumentative can surely figure out that I am automatically disqualifying anyone who doesn’t like their kids or kids in general, is a selfish or immature parent (or is otherwise incapable of putting the needs of someone else, whom they’re entirely responsible for, ahead of their own), or who has been declared unfit or had their parental rights stripped, from inclusion that statement. If that’s not you, then you’re already aware that every decision regarding your child’s care and upbringing must be made with your child’s needs in mind – and no one knows more about your kiddo and how his or her needs might best be met than you do[1].
The problem in our society is that we forget that. Much like when we’re pregnant and at the OB’s office we mysteriously forget that the last 30 years living inside said body pretty much makes you the expert on anything that happens with or to that body the moment that the OB tells you whats best rather than offering an opinion on what might be a possible course of action or treatment and letting us decide (but that’s another issue).
When it comes to our kids though, as new parents we’re often looked upon with condescension – like somehow we’re not capable of deciding a course of action. We forget that by the end of the first day, a new mom has had more hands-on time with her babe than anyone else (excluding NICU families here – but you get the point). In most cases, that, added with the biological imperative that parents have to protect their young gives the new parent a distinct edge that cannot be duplicated.
I’m not saying that new parents shouldn’t ask for or listen to advice or support – far from it! Even the most experienced mama benefits from having a helping hand in the first few weeks. My point here is that we should take note of who we’re asking for advice and support, what their qualifications for giving advice are, and why they’re giving it; what their motivation in advocating that course of action is.
Just recently, I’ve spoken with 2 new moms, one who was using Babywise as a guide, and one with a ‘helpful’ MIL who probably meant to be but in reality was anything but. In both cases, the mom in question’s natural instincts were intruded upon to the point that she really couldn’t tell which way they were pointing her. I sincerely hope that both of those moms ended their conversations with me feeling more in control of their own mothering. One thing that my business partner and I tell our clients is that when seeking mothering advice, find someone who is the mom she wants to be, or one who has the kind relationship with her kids that she wants to have and ask that mom for advice. Or at the very least, ask that mom for book or website recommendations. Asking someone who is not doing what you want to do, or isn’t selling what you want to buy is just going to end in frustration and possibly hurt feelings.
It seems that asking friends or family would be a good idea, and it certainly can be – but not always. Your mother, sister, aunt and all love you and want only the best for you and your child, but often their advice comes from a desire to validate their own choices, regardless of whether they’re actually happy with the choices they made. That sounds harsh to say, but it’s true. Our choices are validated when others follow suit. When we make different choices than our mother or mother-in-law did, effectively, we’re saying that her was is/was wrong and that she wasn’t /isn’t a good mother. It’s not something many will verbalize, but unconsciously it’s there and often causes conflict. If that’s the case, reassurance and validation can go a long way towards mending that relationship without compromising on the things you believe are best for your child.
Something else to consider is the timeline. Information changes! What was commonly done 10, 15 and 20 years ago is contraindicated today. Sleep training with the ‘Ferber Method‘ is still touted as the way to go, but many don’t realize that Dr. Richard Ferber recanted his advice on sleep training and actually recommends the exact opposite of what he once promoted. Even this notorious ‘expert’ now bows to the superior wisdom of the parent on the subject of ‘what is best’ for their own families. Putting cereal in baby’s bottle at days or weeks old was commonplace is now widely regarded as dangerous, yet many grandmas (and pedi’s here in Southeast Texas!!) still tell new moms to do just that ‘to help baby sleep’.
We tend to forget the value in ‘been there, done that’ advice. Take a moment to examine the issue you’re having and seek advice from those who have experienced what you’re dealing with and most importantly, have solved the issue in a way that is compatible with your personal philosophy or parenting goals. There are moms groups like La Leche Leagueand Attachment Parenting International support groups that specialize in supporting parents and making sure that the advice shared among the parents in their groups is factual, effective and research-based.
Take breastfeeding, for example. Many new moms seek breastfeeding management advice from their pediatrician. On the surface, that seems to be a good idea, but look closer and you’ll find that there are much better sources of information. Pediatricians are generally not specifically educated in the normal course of breastfeeding. They’re trained to look for pathology – medical problems that need medical solutions. If your baby is not gaining weight, then their first course of action is often to supplement with formula, whereas a lactation consultant – someone who is specifically educated in breastfeeding management – knows that formula supplementation is a slippery slope that often has detrimental effects on breastfeeding. An LC knows that there are steps to be taken that are better at solving weight gain issues that will preserve the breastfeeding relationship and will support you as you take them. Bad information from ill-informed, uneducated or out-dated sources leads to adverse affects on your milk supply, which can (has and does!) lead to mom feeling like she failed at breastfeeding, which can lead to depression[2].
Another source of bad breastfeeding information is relatives and friends who either did not breastfeed or did not breastfeed successfully. Women who, in many cases, also got bad information from their pediatricians or friends and relatives. Having such ‘helpful’ expressions of doubts and constant second guessing only erodes mom’s confidence and ability to be effective at instinctively navigating her way through nurturing her babe. Worse, passing on bad information only perpetuates the cycle of failed breastfeeding attempts. In the age in information, it’s easy to find credible information online that addresses most topics, but we need confidence in ourselves to be able to overlook face to face instruction and go with something as impersonal as a website or article.
That’s just one example – where the baby is born, where the baby sleeps, how often baby is to be held, how the baby is diapered, whether the baby is vaccinated or not – it seems that each and every aspect of parenting is up for challenge by someone. As support people, we need to be aware of the things we say to new moms and dads. Sharing our negative or horrible experiences with pregnant and new parents is virtually always detrimental. What new parents need is encouragement to do research – read, ask questions, attend support groups – gather information! There’s an adage about ‘when you know better, you do better’. That’s the position that many of us ‘experienced’ moms find ourselves in – having a wealth of knowledge and experience and knowing how it feels to learn something years later that would have made a difference in the choices we made. It’s tough to see someone making the wrong choices, but who is to say what’s right or wrong?
We need to encourage the new parents in our lives to trust themselves – trust that they can make good decisions – and then we need to step back and trust in their ability to do right for their own families. After all, they’re the ones who have to live with the choices they make. If the baby sleeps in their bed, then trust that they have a good reason for doing so, and let them do it. If they nurse the baby every hour, trust that they’ve done the research on how breastfeeding works and that they know their baby best and can accurately determine when the best time to feed the baby is.
As mothers and fathers, we need to learn to be more proactive when learning about the options we have, and to be more assertive when it comes to advocating for what we feel is on our kids’ best interest. We also need to learn to listen to what the doctor/therapist/neighbor/mother in law says and take that into consideration, but ultimately one of the perks of being The Mama [3] is that you get to make the decision. Let’s make sure they’re good ones.
Warmly,
~h
[1] I have found that many disagreements regarding parenting issues come when one parent (the primary caregiver) wants to do one thing and the other parent (often the ‘breadwinner’) wants to do something else. Most often, that dynamic is mom-at-home, dad-at-word so for the purposes of this illustration, that’s the dynamic I’m using. If your sitch is different, then replace pronouns or monikers as needed so that the shoe fits.
If communication or disagreement with your bread-winning hubby or partner is an issue, then the analogy of ‘mothering is my JOB, just like XYZ is your job. I take it as seriously as you take your job, by reading, looking up information, consulting with professionals and peers in my profession (i.e.: other mothers) and continually endeavoring to do my job better – just like you do. As the primary caregiver, this is the course of action I feel is best based on my ‘training’.‘ may work – with tweaks and expansion as required by your family’s dynamic.
[2] I went looking for articles to back that statement up and found mostly articles that dealt with a mom suffering with PDD or clinical depression who is also breastfeeding and the guilt associated with stopping nursing. I probably could find other material, but I am satisfied just speaking from experience – I have personally worked with mothers who suffered an onset of depression (both diagnosed and treated and who went undiagnosed) after they ‘failed’ at breastfeeding. I use the term ‘failed’ very loosely here as in most of those cases, it was a lack of good information and mis-treatment of a breastfeeding management issue by what should have been a trusted professional (i.e.: pediatrician, OB, L&D nurse or nursery nurse) that was a direct result of the ‘failure’. They were cases of the medical system failing the mother by not providing adequate resources for the health and benefit of their clients, yet most mothers will not see it that way. They internalize it as a personal failure – which can and does lead to depression and long-term negative impact on the woman as a mother.
[3] or The Papa, or whatever your chosen role and honorific {wink}
Cost Effective Eco-Consciousness
I’ve been trying to write this post about the dilemma that I, and I’m sure lots of moms on limited budgets, have. The issue is the high cost of organically and/or availability of locally grown produce, and the cost of ‘green’ or ‘natural’ cleaning, beauty and household products vs. mainstream ones. Thrown into this issue as well are the extremely high and un-covered by insurance alternative healthcare options like homeopathy, herbs and supplements, acupuncture/acupressure and other such things are. It seems that the things that are less chemically toxic, better for the environment and that promote overall health instead of merely masking symptoms are usually out of reach when you’re not in that top 10% of the financial bracket.
This post was prompted, in part, by this article over atPeaceful Parenting‘s blog. The point of the article being posted on that blog was absolutely valid – the question, “Are we really saving money on groceries today if we have a bigger health bill tomorrow?” is definitely one to ponder. The issue I have with this lies in the comments section. I was appalled and annoyed at the judgement and condemnation that I saw there. Only one person mentioned the financial straits that some parents are faced with that makes the grocery game (and learning to play it well) something that some families need to do in order to feed their families.
For me, personally, our situation is not that dire but learning to coupon better and keep track of what we have on-hand and what we need to add to that for specific recipes would stretch our grocery budget. In some cases, that would mean not choosing the ‘greener’ option but choosing to buy what I had a coupon for. That’s not to say that I don’t make better nutritional/less processed choices when possible, but I’m inclined to make my dollar go as far as it can, and if playing the grocery game can help with that then I’m willing to do that. The problem is that articles like that one, and the comments that accompany it make me feel like I’m spinning my wheels – instead of getting healthier by eating better, am I un-doing whatever the good stuff has done by picking something ‘less’?
Then the conspiracy theorist in me comes out to play… the part of me that says, “Sure, you can eat better foods, but you can’t avoid the toxins in literally every other aspect of your life. The air we breathe and the soil our local produce is grown in is tainted beyond redemption thanks to the oil and paper/logging industries that keep our local economy afloat.” And let’s not forget about the insecticides that the county comes out with to keep the mosquito population from carrying us away (and the Off! that I spray my kids down with when they’re going to be outside for a long time – which we have to use because they’re allergic to the soy-based alternatives we’ve tried – and going bug-spray-less means lots of skeeter bites that itch, which means lots of lidocaine being slathered on because they’re allergic to bites, without which leads to infection and scarring - so, a little deet is the lesser of about four evils in that scenario).
It makes me wonder just how much of the organic/green buzz is pure propaganda. Does it make THAT much of a difference what you eat and what you clean your house with when so many other areas of your life are filled with toxins and chemical exposure that you cannot avoid? I just don’t know.
In the process of trying to write this post (this is the 3rd draft…), I kept getting distracted with the thought that a lot of my complaining when it comes to the cost factor sounds like excuses. Even though some of it is valid (like the probability that companies who make many of the greener products have caught on to the fact that people will simply pay more for those products and have no incentive to bring the cost down to a more comparable level), a lot of it comes down to choice. very time I start to say, “It costs too much”, I get conflicted with the fact that we spent $7 at Chick Fil A the other day. Granted, that’s the only time we’ll go to CFA until the week after next, but still… Then there’s the fact that if I worked, finances would be less of an issue (but then, not really, because at least during the summers, I’d only be working to pay for childcare; and the toll that working would take on my family would be prohibitive as well – so me working really isn’t an option).
What I’ve come to realize is that the good thing about being truly eco-conscious is that as long as you’re willing to forgo the flashy, showy, “Look how AWARE and INVOLVED in SAVING THE EARTH I am!!” stuff, keeping your home clean and eating with organic in mind is not all that hard to do. Frugality goes hand-in-hand with eco-consciousness, so thrift shopping and recycling clothing and household goods happily plays into this as well. Things like cleaning with vinegar, baking soda, borax, essential oils and castile soap – and making your own soaps and bath/beauty products. The fun thing about that is that it doubles as a hobby – so that’s more bang for your buck! Instead of buying re-usable shopping bags, make them from old sheets and clothing. Better yet, help the kids make and decorate them! Call it arts and crafts {smile}. Curtains, toys and decorating can also be liberated from old clothes and sheets. Art quilts, re-purposing old tee shirts and sweaters, even fabric scraps can be made into something awesome.
Let’s not forget about gardening and composting and vermicomposting! If you have boys, this is something they’ll dig most enthusiastically (girls, too – I’m not being sexist, lol). Growing your own little garden is (relatively) easy and requires less work than you might think. Now, I’m not talking about growing huge amounts of food or anything, esp. to start with. But you can grow a few tomatoes, onions and other fruits and veg fairly easily to supplement what you buy. We’ve been saving seeds from nearly everything lately – especially cherries! I have visions of a cherry tree-lined driveway in a few years…. We’re just getting started with the whole gardening/composting thing – but I’ll tell you what – going to visit and having your child finish up a banana and ask, “Hey Mom, where’s the compost bin?” at someone else’s house makes you smile.
I will say that some of the things that are most expensive to start with are good quality essential oils and herbs. Herbs, you can actually grow and dry yourself – and you can infuse them with intent as they’re growing, which is a nice touch, esp if you’re going to be using them for healing in your home. Oils – splurge. Buy from a reputable company and you’ll get more out of the product. Even if you just want to dabble, get the good stuff. Inferior quality oils don’t hold their fragrance and you won’t want to use the product you made. Also, if you’re using herbs and essential oils in a medicinal capacity you definitely want the best you can find. Some oils are more expensive than others. Start with more affordable oils and buy one at a time to build your collection. When you’re literally using drops at a time, they tend to last a while.
I guess what was really bugging me was the judgmental attitude from those who either aren’t faced with the same financial considerations, or just didn’t think before they wrote. It bugs me that most of those people probably have more than a couple of eco-consciousness contradictions in their lives – we all do. For some of us, diet is our main focus, for others, it may be household upgrades (like solar power, rain water collection or the like), for others it may be something else. There’s a fine line between taking advantage of modern conveniences and knowing which of those to forgo in favor of meeting whatever ideal is important at the moment. I think that every step we take with mindful intent, we’re improving the health and lives of our families, and that is what is important.
Warmly,
~h
SuperMom
So I’ve been trying to write this post about “SuperMom” for a couple of weeks now. I keep opening it and writing and editing it and then loosing my train of thought and saving the draft, never finishing it out. My (as ever, long-winded) point is that someone called me a “SuperMom” the other day (and though I’ll not pretend like it didn’t make me feel good to have a near-stranger acknowledge the total awesomeness that is me), it got me thinking about how that comment, though meant in most instances as a compliment, seems more like self-depreciating commentary on her own mothering by the person saying it; that somehow she’s not measuring up to the invisible yardstick that we all carry.
Mothers are competitive. Oh yes, we are – don’t try to deny it! For many of us, becoming a mother is the single most life-altering experience that we go through and it leaves us forever and profoundly changed. Not only in and of yourself, but also with the title of “Mom” comes the immense responsibility of creating a complete and functional person. We’ve all seen how our own parents have screwed up, and most of us are determined not to make the same mistakes. On some level, I think we all go into being a mom (at least mentally) just knowing that we’re going to be perfect parents. Then your babe is born, reality sets in and we all kinda realize that we are in NO WAY qualified to do this job. In the first few weeks, your life changes so much – you had no idea how different things would be. On the one hand, you’re thrilled with this opportunity. On the other, you’re second guessing yourself, wondering if you haven’t just bitten off significantly more than you can chew.
But somehow you get through. You wake up one day and realize that you’ve worked through the initial issues getting started and that you’re actually breastfeeding and it’s going well. You discover that cloth diapers are not as horrible as you always thought they’d be (in fact, you’re kinda enjoying them). The prospect of making your baby’s food instead of buying jarred sounds intriguing rather than crazy. You discover that you actually love having your baby in your bed. Your baby is happy and healthy and content and you start to fall into a routine – and the routine becomes your life. You gain confidence – after that first sleepless night where the baby cried ALL NIGHT LONG and you made it through; stick a feather in your cap. Then you’re hitting milestones and baby is starting to respond to you – smiling, reaching for toys, rolling over… and the competition starts. You start seeking other moms with babies that are close in age to yours and talking. You’re mentally comparing your baby to theirs – is she doing this? Is he doing that? It’s not intentional – but it happens. You even tell yourself that ‘every baby is different and they all develop at their own pace’ – but you still start to feel happy if your baby is a bit ahead, or worry if your babe is lagging behind. Still, you reassure yourself that you’re a good mom and that’s all that matters, right?
Then there are the different ways that parents have with their babes. Depending on which books they’ve read, or which ones you’ve read (or what websites, or what their friends do, or what their family has told them to do or not to do…), they might feed by breast or bottle, baby might sleep with them or in a crib, they might diaper in cloth or in disposables, they might vaccinate or not – there are so many options and so much information to process and such a short time frame in which to process it – how do you go about deciding what’s best?
Most of us make our choices and then in some form or another, pass judgement on parents who follow different paths. It’s normal and natural – not that I endorse doing so; I’m saying that it’s just how it is. Most of us try to overcome that tendency and keep an open mind when it comes to differences – but the truth is that we all do what we do with our kids because we believe that THIS is the RIGHT way to do it. Of course it is; otherwise, why would we do that? So deep down, we all individually believe that we’re a better parent than any other – for our own kids, at least. And we have to believe that or we would be paralyzed by indecision and constantly second guessing ourselves. Kids need a stable environment, and being a wishy-washy parent is not conducive to stability.
The problem comes in when we find moms who we observe doing things that we like that are in conflict with what we do or with a belief about child rearing that we have committed ourselves to – or worse, somehow, is when you get more information and realize that you’ve done something that you really wish you hadn’t (or didn’t do something you really wish you had). I think one of the single hardest things to do as a parent is to admit that we were wrong about something. When it comes to something ‘big’ like discovering that what we thought we knew is wrong, it’s even harder. And somehow, when we start talking to other moms and they’re doing (or not doing) something we wish we had (or hadn’t), we feel guilty and some of us go on the defensive.
There’s a saying, ‘When you know better, do better.” I first heard it when I was contemplating not having any more vaccines for my oldest. The statement was meant, I believe, to alleviate guilt that a mom feels when she makes a decision that was based on too little information, education or research. This is a hard thing for me – not for the decisions I made in ignorance (like circumcision – I wishwishwish I’d had more info on that ‘routine procedure’ before my kids were born), but in the crusade to help other moms avoid the same mistakes I made. I know how it feels to field unwanted advice, but I also know how it feels to wish someone had told me that what I was doing had an alternative. So where do you find the balance? Is there a balance?
I do think that teaching by example is a viable way to educate. The drawback there is that as my kids get older, I have less and less opportunity to talk about topics that relate to babies, which is when I think new moms need access to information and alternatives. There is so much that happens in that first year or two that can be irreparable (circ, vax, CIO) and can do such lasting damage, and there just isn’t that much information out there on the alteratives in the mainstream that isn’t negatively biased. Unless you stumble across Mothering magazine or a La Leche League meeting, or are lucky enough to have an API group or other ‘crunchy moms‘ group in your area, you’re probably not going to hear a lot about alternatives to the mainstream (which is c-section, bottle-feeding, crib-sleeping, sleep-training, cry-it-out, stroller pushing, fully vaxed on schedule, disposable diapering, starting Gerber at 6 months, etc.)
It doesn’t end there. As your babe gets older, it’s not just the babies that you’re watching – you start taking in what other moms are doing too and comparing yourself. But does that really do any good? Well, sure. You can always pick up tips and ideas from watching what other moms do. I learned about baby-wearing and slings (and how and why they’re different and better than baby carriers*) and about all kinds of stuff from watching and talking to other moms. I even have the few moms that I look up to – moms that I call “SuperMom” in my head – and yes, in comparing myself to them, I feel inferior. That’s what got me started on this thread… I know when I say “SuperMom”, it’s in a wishful way – I wish I had XYZ traits that I see in that mom.
I have my strengths. I’m an organized mom. I always have extra clothes, a first aid kit, snacks and something for my kids to do – and usually a book or handicraft for myself – in my bag. If it’s not in my bag, then it’s in the car. That’s just how I roll. The upside to this is that we can take on practically any task at any time. I am also a very schedule/routine-oriented person, internally. I try not to let that interfere with my kids, but I have an incredibly high need for order. It may not look like it from the outside, but it’s there. (Okay, I know it’s plainly visible from the outside – I’m not fooling anyone, lol). When I plan my day, I need to do the things I planned on doing at the right time in the right order. The downside to this (and yes, there is a downside) is that when my schedule is thrown off or I am caught unawares, it is almost catastrophic to my state of being. Not that I am not flexible on my own – I can make changes, either to accommodate the kids or due to a better plan presenting itself, and that’s fine. But for someone else to throw off my schedule is extremely vexing.
I have some mama-friends who are, like me, organized and prepared for practically anything. I also have several mama-friends who wouldn’t know how to deal with a schedule if it jumped up and smacked them in the face. I envy these women their sense of spontaneity. I envy them their ability to deal with hungry kids on the go, or not freaking out when the child gets muddy and has to ride home half-nakee and their creative solutions for things that happen in the course of the day. I envy them their calm and ‘just roll with the punches” attitude and their patience when things don’t go according to schedule. I’m sure that my rigid adherence to the plan, and pique at being thrown off of it is just as annoying to them as the fact that we’re late is to me… but somehow, we have overcome this major difference in personality and style and have forged amazingly strong and supportive friendships, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have these women in my life to lean on and learn from. In our own ways, we’re providing the optimal environment for our children to thrive in. We’re meeting their needs – as many of them as we can. That’s our job, and we’re all damn good at it in our own ways.
Innate as being ‘judgy-judgy’ is to moms, we need to make the effort to move past that when we feel it creeping up inside. We also need to move past going on the defensive when someone talks about doing things differently than we do. We each need to be secure in our beliefs and philosophy and parenting style that what we’re doing for our children is right for them, and to be open to making changes when we find a better path. We need to be able to listen to another’s explanation or thoughts and weigh whether or not they have any merit for us or can be adapted for use in our own family.
Back to the “SuperMom” comment… it seems to me that there are plenty of criticisms coming in from many different angles once you become a parent; why add to that with self-depreciating comments of your own? I think the main thing we need to ask when we start second guessing ourselves is, “What does my heart tell me to do?” The instincts of a mother are pre-programmed into her brain. Without them, our species would not have survived this long, so there must be some value in them. We need to help each other, as mothers, to rediscover and trust the inherent wisdom that comes with motherhood. As a mom, YOU are the authority on your children – you’re with them more than anyone else (ideally) and you have a unique biological connection to your child that no one else can replicate. No one is better qualified to be your child’s mother than YOU. So no matter what your style or philosophy or failings, the only one who really needs to think that you’re a SuperMom is your kiddo – and chances are, s/he already does.
Warmly,
~h
*not a carrier – a SLING – and not a crappy Infantino one that got recalled – any babywearing mama would have told you that those are really inferior slings – buy from a WAHM off etsy.com!
Dealing with Death
In an odd turn of events, both of my grandfathers passed away this past week – my father’s dad on Wednesday and my mother’s dad on Saturday. Both deaths were expected, not that that makes it any easier. I’m glad that it wasn’t out of the blue – that would have been harder to process, I think. As it was, we’ve had time to prepare for their deaths, and time to talk to the kids about why you die and what happens when you die.
I’ve removed some of the more personally identifiable info (as I’m sure you can understand).
My Grandaddy had a small, family only service in his childhood home town. All of the family mentioned in his obituary, plus his nieces and nephews and their respective spouses and children, plus some very close friends of the family were in attendance. We all brought food and ate dinner, then my Dad said a few words and we went to go scatter his ashes back in our hunting lease. It was a lovely, if sad, informal affair that I think would have pleased him had he been there. That’s one of the things I remember best about my Grandaddy – sitting around camp chit-chatting (sometimes arguing), and poking the fire with a stick if it was cold enough to have one.
My Pawpaw, on the other hand, had a somewhat more formal memorial service (as he was also cremated). It was nice – there were a lot of people there; some might say that a well attended funeral is a sign of a well-lived life, and few can argue that my Pawpaw was a good man. That side of my family is bigger – more spread out than my Dad’s side. It was nice seeing some of my cousins that I haven’t seen in a long time and welcoming a few new babies, too.
My Granny & aunts and cousins came today to scatter/bury Pawpaw’s ashes – we’re not sure yet. The boys and I went to meet them at my uncle’s grave. My mom’s brother died in a car wreck when my mom (who was with him in the car) was 18, and I think that their first choice in where to spread his ashes is on top of my uncle’s grave. I don’t know if that’s doable or not*, so if not then he’ll be buried on my grandparent’s property.
*It was, but they wanted $2,100.00 to SCATTER his ashes ON TOP OF my uncles grave. That’s unreasonable – nothing like gouging the bereaved…
Both of my grandmothers seem to be doing well. My Grandmama seems to be doing better. She’s a woman who needs a task to do, and cleaning out her house has been quite the undertaking. I would imagine that staying buys keeps her from thinking too much. My Granny, on the other hand, seems more… fragile, maybe. I think that their marriage was more fulfilling (even though both couples have been married for over 50 years), and I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go from having someone constantly in your presence to them being gone.
For Grandaddy: Dr Pepper, Oreos (double stuff’d), swimming pool, Big Branch, “woah, Dobbin’”, “H.L. & Son”, Universal Tractor, camp, cowboy boots, hat and western-cut suede leather coat, shooting in the pasture
For Pawpaw: Wrigley’s spearmint gum, blue Ford, WT belt buckle, long days in service, The Farm,fruit trees and compost, hearing you call Granny “Sugar-baby” all the time
Warmly,
~h
A Matter of Motivation
One of the biggest challenges that I am finding in homeschooling is keeping my kids motivated. I know, I know, true motivation comes from within – but let’s face it. Who is ever going to be motivated to do 2 pages of a math workbook?
Ideally, the (I’m searching for an appropriate adjective here) thing to do would be to help my son learn the math concepts that the workbook is teaching without resorting to using the dreaded workbook, which would be fine… however. One of the things I am trying to do here is encourage working independently. I have a smart kid – I know that. I also know that I have a lazy kid; one who will always take the easy way out and if there isn’t an easy way, who will procrastinate until so much time has passed that it would be ridiculous to continue. Why can I identify these less-than-stellar traits so quickly? Because he gets it from yours truly. That’s right – good ol’ Mom handed them down – maybe those kinds of things pass through breastmilk or something – however he got them, I recognize them as faults of my own.
Am I slightly more harsh on my kiddo because I identify how those traits have negatively impacted me? Ummm… maybe. I think that’s a problem for most moms; we see exactly how whatever we used to do has hurt us in the long run and are determined that our children will benefit from our superior insight. Unfortunately, I think that a lot of those lessons are ones that people have to figure out for themselves, even our beloved offspring. It’s like learning about fire. Fire burns. It’s always hot (unless you have access to some space-age, NASA fire that for some reason burns cold, in which case STFU – I’m not talking to you) But EVERY kid will, at some point, touch the flame. Why? Even though Mom and Dad and the neighbors and his best friend have all said countless times, “Don’t touch! HOT!”, he will still reach out and try it for himself because he must. Because no amount of telling is worth the doing. And some lessons have to be learned a couple of times before they sink in.
I guess my dilemma in writing this is because it’s hard to figure out at exactly what point to stop ‘babying’ him. Sure, we could sit together on the floor all day and work on math or spelling and it would be great – but at some point, he’s got to learn how to study something or complete a task all on his own, without Mom sweeping in with reminders and cheerleading to help him complete his assignment – whatever that may be.
For now, setting a timer is working. We had a discussion yesterday (when it took 3 hours to do 40 math problems – different math problems even; it wasn’t like it was 40 subtraction with borrowing – which as you can tell is my worst nightmare) about why it took so long to finish. He came to the conclusion that knowing in advance that he had FOUR PAGES ahead of him made it seem like a mountain the he could never climb. In effect, he was mentally defeating himself before he ever got started. Knowing that he is expected to do both a spelling word search-a-word AND have to write words in his spelling list that rhyme with ‘spent’ was just too much to think about. So we agreed that in addition to the timer (which we have used to keep us on-task from the beginning), I would only assign him part of the work and when he was finished with that part, I would tell him what the next part would be, and that he would say things to himself that were encouraging, like “This is easy. I know how to do this”. Breaking his work up into smaller ‘bites’ today, and using positive affirmations has helped. He doesn’t get overwhelmed in thinking about how much there is to do.
In a way, I can relate to that. When I was younger, I remember sitting at the beginning of a math worksheet and seeing a whole page full of blank problems that I was supposed to figure out and it just seemed like SO MUCH and SO HARD. As an adult, I have learned that the only way to get through such things is to start working. Cover half the page (or all but the one I’m working on) so I don’t get distracted by the rest and do them one step at a time. As a kid though, I lacked that knowledge - that problem-solving ability and no one really helped me work through that. And I admit it – it’s hard to put myself back into the child-like frame of mind when math was the biggest problem in my life, even knowing how much it would have helped to have someone not get frustrated with me for not ‘just DOING it’ and showing me strategies to get through it… I still have trouble scaling back to that mindset.
Upon further reflection (because it takes a while to write these posts, and I’m often distracted by kids and the need to refill my coffee mug), I can liken his terror at facing an insurmountable mountain of math or spelling with planning for homeschool. I’ve heard lots of moms talk about how they ‘would’, but it’s just so overwhelming. There’s so much to consider, and so much to keep track of and so many options – where do you start? For me, it’s just like getting through math – one step at a time. Just START – start somewhere! Pick up a book and start with page 1, chapter 1. If the method is wrong, you can change it later; and who is to say it’s “wrong” anyway? It’s almost always going to be DIFFERENT, but if we’ve learned anything in the evolution of history, it is that ‘different’ does NOT equate “wrong”! Homeschooling is most definitely different from institutionalized schooling (and thank goodness for that, right?!). Your kids will learn different things, at different times – the time that is right for you and for them. Some things will be learned in ways that make more sense to your kids – I know for us, history along the timeline, in chronological order makes much more sense than learning about your city, your state, your country and then working history backwards. Your mileage may vary, but that’s the beauty of it. You can take your trip however is right for YOU.
Back to my super special little boy… his solution wouldn’t work for me. Even as a child, I don’t think that would have worked for me. I would have gotten annoyed at thinking I was done and then finding out that there’s still another page to do. But it was his solution; one that he thought of himself. The affirmations might have helped. I’m bad about psyching myself out of (or into) a problem. Maybe I should take his advice, yeah? As for long-term effectiveness, we’ll see. If we get into a few days and he starts getting frustrated, we may have to brainstorm ideas again, but still. I’m so proud of him for thinking up a solution to a problem that we’re having and being willing to implement his ideas. I’m proud of myself for slowing down and letting him thing through the problem and come up with a way to help the situation.
Now, I’m off to mix up salt dough and gather materials to complete our history/art lesson at a friend’s house and make lunch to bring with us.
Warmly,
~h
A Lesson in Charity
So today, we talked a little bit about Haiti and how there are many children there who have lost their homes and toys. We’ve been systematically de-cluttering and downsizing the number possessions we own, and so this seemed like an opportune time to discuss why we keep things and how we can help those less fortunate by donating some of our things that we don’t use or need anymore to them.
You would have thought I was trying to persuade them to let go of an arm or something! After much discussion and many tears, our rule is (now) that you don’t have to let anything go, however, if you choose to hang onto everything you have, then you don’t get new stuff. Meaning, when you buy something new, you must let go of something old.
Why this lesson? To explain a bit, I could say that pack-ratting comes naturally to me. My mom is verging on becoming a full-on hoarder, exhibiting some of the classic symptoms such as having a room knee (waist?) deep in bags full of new-with-tags items that she’s never used because she’s “going to use it someday” or “has a project that she’ll get to eventually”. I’m not saying that she doesn’t intend to actually use it or do it, but that she has an unrealistic expectation of her time and commitment level to such pursuits. Having said that, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Though I do endeavor to remove tags from new purchases and put things where they belong when I bring something new into the house, that doesn’t always happen and even when it does, finding a place for each and every one of those new things sometimes turns into a challenge. My two major areas of weakness are crafting supplies and school supplies. I have a severe addiction to crafting – not that I have a lot of time to devote to doing them! The main issue is that when I find a craft I like, I will go buy everything I need to completely do that craft. I have hundreds of dollars in scrapbooking supplies, sewing materials, notions, fabric, patterns, screen-printing, drawing, pains and brushes, to name a few. I went through a hand-milled soap-making phase and have spent a couple hundred dollars on supplies for that. I really enjoy making earrings and so I have a box full of beads and ear-bobs and wire and tools suited for the task. Not to mention the specialized containers for most of my crafting supplies! There’s the turny-tray, paper trays and accessory bag for scrapbooking, the bead container and take-along bag for jewelery-making, and the molds and cases for herbs and oils for the soaps.
Then, you have school supplies. I have always wanted to homeschool, so anytime I saw books or materials that we might be able to use in places like Goodwill or on Freecycle – things that wouldn’t cost much money right then, but may cost a LOT of money later on when we needed them, I would grab them. That led to storing many textbooks and other school-related items that we’ll possibly use someday. Then, the boys were in school-school, and it looked like I was holding on to them needlessly. I was on the verge of donating them several times and then thought better of it because we might homeschool. Now, obviously, keeping them was a good call! But that still leads to the problem of storage. That is also exactly the kind of thing that reinforces the desire to keep thing that might be better passed on.
In the same vein, books are another weakness of mine ; probably the biggest weakness! I love them – all of them, pretty much. The smell, the feel, the weight of them. They just make me happy for no other reason than being. That also means that when I find books that seem interesting and are cheap, I tend to get them. All. And, of course, there are series books that I follow and so have amassed a large library on the subjects I enjoy most. Even now, I still don’t see books as a waste of space, though to be honest, there are books in my collection that don’t fit my criteria for keeping. And, just as an aside, unlike some people, I do read books over and over, so the argument against keeping a large personal library that I see occasionally is not realistic for me. I have read almost every book I own multiple times, some so many that the book has had to be replaced. That said, I can say that there are many books I have never gotten around to reading, started and lost interest in or that I still have without the benefit of a clear idea of why I am keeping them. And so, my library is getting the same axe that other possessions in my house are getting.
Back to the kids…
The deep emotional attachment that they seem to have to their things is stunning to me. During the upheaval of creating the school-room, much of the stuff in the closets and other spaces that are now functional had to be cleaned out – which means we lost a lot of storage space. And I think that’s a contributing factor to why we have so much still – with the closets regulated to storage instead of clothing, we had space to store a bunch of unnecessary stuff. Many of the things that have been stored in the boys’ closet are baby toys – things they haven’t even seen in over a year – and yet they still have this profound emotional connection to it. Realistically, I could have gone in there while they were away and thrown it all out and they wouldn’t have even known or remembered what was in there, but seeing it and asking them to let it go was apparently more than I should have expected of them.
We’ve been watching “Hoarders” on A&E for the past few weeks. My husband is enthralled by it, and given my tendency to pack-rat, some of the connections that the therapists on the show make inspire me to be more pro-active in throwing out things I don’t need to keep. It’s helped me let go of things and really examine why I choose to keep something. It does however bug the ever-loving daylights out of me when the person they’re working with wants to keep something that the therapist is adamant that they throw away. Sometimes, they’ll work to get to a point where the person can see the value in letting go, but just as many times, I have seen the therapist make ugly faces or show irritated behavior with the person when they won’t comply. But through it all is a thread of empowerment – making sure that the staff knows that nothing is to be taken away without the person’s permission. The owner of the item is in charge.
That’s something that I can respect. I would hate for anyone to come into my house and make me get rid of my things. I don’t want to do that to my kids, either. There is a part of me that wants to make them go through and pick some things to donate to children in Haiti. If I am completely honest, the part of me that wants that also wants the recognition (even if it’s only in my own head) of being the mom with children who are willing to donate their things to the less fortunate.
But there’s a rational part of me that knows such action would be counter-productive. In forcing them, I would not be teaching them a lesson in charity – I would be teaching them that they are powerless to hang on to things that they love, and that their opinions, thoughts and voice do not matter. Worse, there’s the possibility that taking such action would force my pack-rat tendencied child into a full-blown hoarding disorder. I also wouldn’t be helping them discover the joy in giving to others; I would be teaching them that you only have a giving heart when your hand is forced.
I know that there is a better lesson in allowing my children to keep their things, even if that means that today, we’re not bringing toys to a donation center. I know that eventually, their heart will be motivated by the conversations we have had, are having and will have about the children in Haiti and in other areas who are less fortunate that they are to find something that they want to share with another child. Moreover, there is the possibility that the items they choose to part with may be something that they truly love rather than things that they can easily part with, making their gesture much more meaningful. I know that that lesson will make a deeper, more lasting impression on my children and will help shape them into the kid of people that I want my future populated with. And that is the kind of mom I want to be.
Warmly,
~h
Lapbooks and Other Updates
We’ve made several lapbooks over the past couple of months that (shame on me) I’ve been neglectful about adding to our lapbooks list. In a burst of productivity today, I’ve updated my Lapbooks Page and added several of our newer books to the list, including our Martin Luther King, Jr. Lapbook that we did in coordination with today’s holiday.
Most of the newer additions are mini-lapbooks (meaning only one file folder), and after making them I have to say that I am starting to think that less may be more. Some of our books are multi-flap monstrosities that require an instruction manual to get folded back into submission. Not that I don’t love the big, involved ones, but these mini ones are small and clean and easy to get in and out of. They’re ‘faster’ to go though, and I think that appeals to my bouncy boys. I also like that the boys have been able to do more of the smaller books themselves. I admit it; I’m a cut-and-paste junkie, so usually I assemble and the boys add info to the mini-books, then we paste it all together. But they actually made the 10 Things ones on their own and they both turned out really well.
Some of our newer additions are:
I posted a bit about our holiday lessons for MLK Jr. Day on the lapbook page, so go check that out if you have a minute.
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been quite busy – I mentioned it before, but a woman in our playgroup thought her kids had chicken pox so I brought the boys over for exposure. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have jumped the gun. I was so excited to have a case of CP locally that I didn’t stop to ask many questions. I’ve been irritated with myself for not confirming that her kids did indeed have chicken pox. Another playgroup mom who also exposed her kids took them in to see their pedi and they were diagnosed with hand, foot and mouth disease. Whether or not the first mom’s kids had it or not is unclear since she didn’t request blood work for an accurate diagnosis and confirmation. Had it been me offering up a disease for exposure, I’d have made darn sure that was for sure what it was before advertising it, but that’s just me. I think it’s also possible that the first mom’s doctor mentioned CP in a list of other things, or that she misunderstood, or that the doctor was just guessing (which would prompt me to find another doc as mis-diagnosis could lead to problems down the line) … in any case, the fault lies squarely with yours truly for not asking more questions. Hindsight is 20/20, and as much as I’d prefer my kids actually have chicken pox, next time, I’ll do more detective work before exposing my bratty kids to someone else’s germy ones. My kids haven’t been sick though, with either HFM symptoms (which would have surfaced at 3ish days post exposure and usually only is symptomatic in younger kids – mine are too old to get it, I think) or CP (which would be about now).
We had a bit of a shock this weekend; my Loverly Husband’s father passed away in his sleep sometime Friday night. He was an alcoholic, and has been off-and-on ill with complications resulting from alcoholism for the past 5 or so years, so it wasn’t a surprise, exactly, but he’d been doing better over the past few months and his death was sudden and unexpected. He and I had our differences, and I have a lot of anger towards him regarding his actions and words over the past few years, but I also recognize that he was sick and broken. I’m incredibly sad for my husband and his family that my father-in-law’s death has so many mixed emotions. I can say one thing, as much as we were at odds, he did love my kids and never treated them badly. He gets a gold star for that. Seeing my husband grieve makes me glad that our kids have each other. He’s an only child and I can’t imagine how that must feel – to lose your parent and not have anyone ‘else’.
In other news, circumcision has been a buzz word in my social circle lately. One of our playgroup moms started an ‘intactivist’ group for locals to discuss genital integrity, but so far it’s more of a choir group – all the moms are already educated on the issue and in agreement that it’s a bad thing worth fighting to abolish. That has its own joys, but I really would love to have a local place to send moms for information on the topic.
It’s always interesting to me to be on this side of the ‘mothering crusades’. I did my time as a staunch lactivist (Militant Breastfeeding Cult – huzzah!) and baby-wearing, co-sleeping, non-vaxer, and I stand by those decisions. They were best for our family and I think that they are the best approach to child-rearing, period. To this day, I haven’t seen any credible research that makes me think that those practices are anything but optimal for child-development. That’s not to say that everyone can do them, or that I am tooting my own horn in saying that I did – more that we all do the best we can with the information we have at the time. Now that my kids are older, I have other issues that I soapbox about – no less passionately – but it’s somewhat odd to me to see people stressing out over things that I am totally comfortable with now.
Back to the circ thing – my boys are both circumcised. It’s a decision that I didn’t know to question when LBB was born, and I really had only just started looking into it when PeaGreen was born. Knowing even half of what I know now, there’s no way I’d make that mistake again. As a mom, it sucks to be wrong. It makes me physically ill to dwell on the thought that I made a decision that has been harmful to my child. But that doesn’t mean that I get to bury my head in the sand and pretend that the decision is right because it’s the one I made. My job as a mother is to do the best I can do for my kids, even if it means admitting that something I did that I thought was good was, in fact, bad. I have seen several moms lately say that they’d make a different decision if they had it to do over again, and I think that hearing a mom say, ‘Yes, I did that and I wish I hadn’t. Here’s the information that helped me change my thinking.’ without being negative or judgmental is SUCH a powerful thing. It goes back to ‘sharing information’ rather than ‘giving advice’. No one wants advice, because advice implies that what you’re doing is wrong. But sharing information… sharing information is vital to supporting mothers, and I think I’ll always want to be part of that community no matter how old my kids get.
Leaving you with this quote from Dr. King:
Now I am off to put homemade yogurt on to set, and get ready for tomorrow’s field trip to the Forbidden Gardens. Wishing you a peaceful evening and a lovely night’s sleep,
Warmly,
~h
January 17, 2011 | Categories: Advocacy, All About Me, Attachment Parenting, Circumcision, Crunchy Mama, Daily Review, Food, Holiday Lessons, Lessons Learned, Parenting, Rambling Thoughts, Recipes | Tags: attachment parenting, commentary, family, homeschooling, life-lessons, supporting mothers, time spent in school | 2 Comments »