Defining ‘Inclusive’ in Homeschool Groups
I wanted to talk a bit about the term ‘inclusive’. It’s a term that many homeschoolers hear often, but there doesn’t seem to be a unified understanding of what it means with regard to homeschooling groups.
By far, the most common use of the term ‘inclusive’ in homeschool group descriptions means that though the group is firmly XYZ (usually specifically Christian based, often fundamentalist), they allow other people to join. By ‘join’, they mean that you’re allowed to participate in their discussions and events, but you’re not allowed to rock the boat, idea-wise. This means that if you subscribe to a scientific age of the earth and the group as a whole purports a young earth ideology, then you don’t get to mention your disruptive beliefs. There is no respectful sharing of information, and no friendly debate allowed. You can come, but you don’t make waves.
The other use of ‘inclusive’ means that you’re allowed to join and have your own beliefs and ideas, and as long as you keep it to a respectful sharing of ideas and not wander off into evangelism land, you’re allowed and sometimes even encouraged to share them. You can be any religion or none, and be perfectly welcome. Often, these types of inclusive groups also define themselves as ‘secular’ as well (meaning that the group, itself, does not promote one religion over another; there is usually no ‘official’ mention of religion at all). This type of group generally welcomes respectful sharing of beliefs and ideas, and even encourages questioning and friendly debate. It is assumed that you’re here to learn and share, and that your beliefs may or may not be in the minority and that’s okay.
It is only this second type of group that actually fit the definition of ’inclusive’. Their practices actually are inclusive; it’s not just that they allow you to be there, they welcome you and your ideas to the rich tapestry of the group. They understand and respect that you may have differing beliefs and don’t tread on your toes with unwelcome religious proselytizing or verbiage that clearly promotes one belief over another. Furthermore, even if the bulk of the group is one religion or lifestyle, they go out of their way to make sure that they’re not doing things that make others feel unwelcome.
Contrast that with the first type of group – they don’t mind if you’re there, but they don’t really want your unique flavor in their mix. I am not opposed to this type of group; I both understand and can appreciate the value in having a group of people available to you that share your beliefs or way of life. Everyone should have a safe place to go to in order to work out their thoughts; reinforce their ideas and help fit new information into the framework of their current foundation. But it’s misleading to advertise your group as ‘inclusive’ when your practice goes against the definitions of the word. Saying ‘open to all as long as you understand and agree that XYZ’ is not the same as ‘inclusive’, especially when you really mean ‘open to anyone who is not homosexual, Atheist, Pagan, Muslim, Jewish or any other religion/sexual orientation/ way of life that we disapprove of’.
Dictionary.com defines ‘inclusive’ as that includes; enclosing; embracing. Thesaurus.com offers across-the-board, all the options, all together, all-around, comprehensive, full, global, whole, without exception as synonyms. As a homeschooling parent, I like the idea of those concepts for my children. I think that it is my job as my kids grow to continually expose them to ideas and thoughts and beliefs that make them think. As a parent and teacher, I am here as a sounding board, to listen to them and help them work through the things they hear and see and learn and help them clarify what they think about it; not to impose my thoughts and beliefs onto them. They have my example, and should they choose to follow, that’s great. If not, then I trust that I have raised intelligent people who are capable of reasoning out for themselves what fits into their life best. Considering the fact that I continue to learn and grow and see my ideas shaped by what I learn with each passing year, it’s ridiculous to think that I would be able to simply ‘tell’ my kids what to believe and have them just merrily go along with it.
I enjoy being part of an inclusive group because it gives my children that opportunity to get to know people of other religions. It exposes them to differing world views and ways of life, and the opportunity to ask questions and in general see that we’re all really not that much different. I think that part of my responsibility as a homeschooling parent is to make sure that my children are exposed to a diverse group of people. How can they learn what they think about things if their ideas are never challenged?
Surrounding yourself with like-minded people is not a bad thing. Surrounding yourself with like-minded people in an effort to avoid coming into contact with ideas and ideals that challenge yours IS a bad thing. Worse, offering a support group to your community in the guise of being helpful, all the while using that group to further a religious agenda or to attempt to squelch other ideas or convert non-conformists is tricksy and dishonest, and hardly conforms to the Christian ideals that many such groups claim to support.
If you’re so confident in your beliefs, then talking to someone who doesn’t share them shouldn’t affect your faith. There is no danger to me in talking to someone who is Christian because I don’t share their beliefs or faith. I have nothing to fear from them, or anything they say. In fact, I think that my beliefs are strengthened by interacting with people who don’t share my beliefs, and I also find that my beliefs are enhanced by understanding why they believe and think the way they do. There’s a beauty in not being so bound up by dogma and fear; getting to see and experience and share someone else’s beliefs is a joyous thing. Having an inclusive group, with a diverse membership makes this process easy, both for myself and my children. What a shame that most faith-based groups can’t say the same thing.
Warmly,
How to: Start a Secular Homeschooling Group
Though I am no expert, I’m going to share my thoughts and methodology on stating and running a group – be it a secular (or non-secular) homeschooling group, a playgroup, a mom’s group – whatever kind of group you want. I’ve started a few groups over the years, and most have been successful. Some are even still around, though they may have changed in form or function, but many served a specific need and met that need so I’d call that successful.
The main reason that I start a group is because I want to do or have something that a group format would be better suited to than just doing it on my own – like a homeschool group or playgroup. So that’s where I start: examine what it is I’m looking for and make sure that isn’t being provided somewhere else. No need to re-invent the wheel, after all.
One of the first steps I take when starting a new group is to create a Yahoo Group and start adding stuff to the calendar. Yahoo Groups are a group email format, so all the messages come to your inbox and replying to one message sends it to all the group members, or one can read the messages forum-style on the group’s webpage. I’ve tried other groups and services, but Yahoo has the best combination of features and ease of access in my opinion.
I usually spend some time setting up the group – adding files that detail how the group operates or whatever other information I want people to know when they join so I don’t have to personally send them that stuff. Yahoo allows you to set ‘auto-send’ files, which is very helpful. You can also set the group to allow anyone to join right away, or so that you approve all new members, and you can control who sees the group’s messages (public or members only), links and other group tools. (I’m not posting screen-shots here; you can find ‘how to’ videos and step-by-steps elsewhere on the web – but it’s pretty self-explanatory after you click ‘start a group’ on the main YG page.) I’m a fan of ‘branding’, so I usually come up with a logo or something that identifies the group as well – pictures are good for fliers and business cards!
Some groups wait to set that stuff up after they’ve had a couple of meetings, or elect a committee to go over those things and decide on guidelines, others wait until there’s a need – I usually start with at least some guidelines so that everyone starts out on the same page. In a secular homeschooling group, especially, I have found that a clear-cut ‘this is what we mean when we say ‘secular” notice has been helpful. We periodically edit and update them as needed.
Next, I decide what I want to do – activities, meetings, events – then I start planning stuff. I usually plan a few weeks out at least, and start calling, getting information, making reservations and asking for discounts. Most places offer a group or educational field trip discount, so I get those if I can. Where I can, I add events to the group’s calendar.
After the group is set up, I usually create a Facebook page for the group and send a note to anyone on my friends list I think might be interested in it. I’ll also go to a local online free classified site and create an ad there. I may also make flyers and take them to the library or park, grocery store – anywhere I think my target audience might be congregating. If you’re shy, you don’t even have to talk to people, just hand them a flyer or leave a stack on the counter (if management will allow it). At this point, it’s an advertising game – I find that the more you have ‘going on’, the more people are interested in what you’re doing. Our group has been around since 2004, but active only in the last year – so know going in that you are the heart and soul of your group. If you’re not interested in updating or posting, none of your members will be either. I update our website at least a couple of times a month, send messages through the group at least once a week and try to post something from the Facebook page every day.
Then go out and do it. That’s basically it. I would be taking my kids to the zoo or a museum or on a hike even if it was just us. Then, I’d talk about it here or on Facebook, and sooner or later, someone will want to join in. Before you know it, you’ve got a group. For me, that’s always the thing that gets left out – even if you don’t have a bunch of members in your group yet, do the things you have planned anyway! Call your group ‘small’ or ‘close-knit’ or ‘exclusive’. Take pictures and show people how much fun you have – they’ll want to come play, too. It’s hard when you’re in a small community, or when your beliefs are so different from everyone around you, but I think there are many people who would be willing to go out and do if only someone would start an awesome group for them to join. Why can’t that awesome someone be you?
Warmly,
~h
Social Circles
A question that I saw asked to secular homeschoolers in Facebook the other day was, ‘How do you overcome feeling like an outcast in your social circles?’
This is an interesting question to me. I see the same question asked to natural-minded mamas, too – ‘how do you fit in when everyone around you is so different?’ when it comes to breastfeeding or co-sleeping or sling-wearing… like those things aren’t ‘normal’. Weird.
Truthfully, it’s been so long since I wasn’t surrounded by a group of like-minded mamas that when I am confronted with someone who is ‘different’, it’s just such an odd feeling when I notice them noticing that I am different. When I was a new mom, I purposely sought out other moms who did the same things I did or had the same idea of how to raise kids that I did. That search led me to La Leche League, which was a gathering place for moms who did things outside the norm. Eventually, I started a playgroup with an emphasis on attachment parenting and natural mothering and so my social circle as a mom really grew from that foundation. Homeschooling was then and seems to be now an extension of that ‘type’ of parenting philosophy, and I am still friends with many of the mothers that I met through those avenues.
Overall, I’m not a big ‘joiner’ of things. I know that sounds like a contradiction when clearly I do join things: La Leche League, my local playgroup, my local homeschooling group… but I’m not just a member of those groups; I volunteer in a leadership capacity. I don’t usually set out to be a leader, but if there’s a position open in an organization that I believe in, I’m willing to step up for the chance to do something worthwhile. There have been times when I sought out to fill a role; LLL comes to mind, but only because they had training that I needed in order to accomplish a goal. Other times, there’s been a void that no one else was interested in filling, so I volunteered. In other instances, I set out to start something and worked to make it successful.
But that’s really only part of the picture. Being the leader in a group makes it easier to ‘set the tone’ of a circle, but it’s not easy to find people to fill it. Stepping into a leadership role in an established organization is challenging, but easier because you already have the framework ready-made. Starting something from the ground up takes a lot more… moxie, as hockeymom at SecularHomeschooling.com says. I call it ‘fake it till ya make it’. There’s a great deal of presentation involved, and confidence. In effect, you’re selling an idea, so making something look appealing is a big part of what goes into making a group successful.
I recently advised another mom seeking friends to not let the lack of a social circle prevent her from doing things – to go out and do things with her kids and just pretend like the other moms in her group couldn’t make it that day. In essence, that’s exactly what I did when I started a local playgroup, and again when I started homeschooling. It wasn’t a lie; the other moms weren’t in my group yet, so they really couldn’t make it that day {wink}
This to me is at the core of the ‘socialization for Mom’ issue… feeling confident enough in ourselves. People like being around people who are confident; who seem like they know what they’re doing. If you can project that image, then you’re ahead of the game! I’m not confident a lot of the time, but you probably wouldn’t know it. I was a painfully shy kid, and missed out on SO MUCH that I really, really wanted to do. I’m just not willing to let life pass me by anymore.
One of our local libraries hosts a homeschoolers book club that just got started for this school year, so I took the boys. I started talking with one of the other moms after the book club and found out that she is one of the chairpersons for another, faith-based group in town. She was super sweet and really nice and I am looking forward to chatting with her as the book club progresses, but as far as joining in with the groups for stuff? Probably not. I don’t think anyone would be comfortable with that – but that’s not a ‘loss’. I’m not willing to fake who I am in order to try to fit into a mold that does not fit me. I don’t see that as setting a good example for my kids, or as netting anything of worth to me.
So the short answer to the question is that I don’t want to ‘fit in’. I want an environment in which I am comfortable being myself and am willing to completely re-vamp my entire social circle in order to accomplish this. I hope that you will be, too. You deserve it!
Warmly,
~h
Secular Musings
Why is there a need for a secular homeschool group? Why would you join a secular homeschool group?
This seems to have come up in response to an inquiry I made of some of the other homeschooling groups in the area. There is a free class for teachers and homeschooling parents through the TX Parks & Wildlife called Project Wild that we’re about to participate in, and since we need to have X number of people to set up a local class, I contacted some of the groups in the area to see if they might have an interest in this as well. Somehow, that ‘good intention’ has morphed into widespread fear that I might be trying to ‘bring the homeschooling groups together’ for some strange and scary ‘interfaith’ activities that may or may not be designed to subvert their kids away from the church.
Le sigh.
I love the picture above, because it is the personification of what is wrong with faith-based groups. They don’t understand, and they don’t want to understand. I am reminded of Chris Tse’s words in his amazing poem, “I’m Sorry I’m a Christian“:
Why ‘secular’? Mainly… because I am not ‘one of you’. I don’t feel comfortable in your groups because everything you say (esp. re: history and science and Biblical ‘truth’) is presented as fact with no room for discussion. I don’t share your convictions on those points; why would I subject myself to an environment where there is only room for one truth and not even respect for anything else? That is why we both need, and have, and have joined, a secular group.
My question to you is, ‘Why can’t you do anything without it being steeped in your faith? Do you not derive strength and fortitude from any other source? What would you/will you do if ever your faith is proven to be false? Will you cease to have a reason to live and give up all hope or will you still find that you are the same, concerned, loving parent intent on doing the best you can for your kids? That sounds sarcastic; I know it does, and yet it is an honest question.
I have long left the faith I was raised in and have remained constant. I am still the same person I have always been and I manage do so on the sole merit of my own authority, not because of faith or belief or religious dictates. I have not changed. What I believe and believe in has. I refuse to allow adherents of any religion to dictate how I feel about things, what I can see, what I can listen to, who I can be friends with or grant them authority over any other aspect of my life and lifestyle. I’m both capable of and interested in doing those things for myself.
All that said, I really do think that the Christian homeschooling community at large gets a bad rap a lot of the time. I think that the vast majority of homeschoolers are probably ‘normal’ people. They laugh at funny jokes, they watch TV, they like music – you know, normal. It’s that vocal few who have the drive (or narcissistic personality disorder?) to start and successfully run a homeschooling group who end up speaking for the group because that’s what group leaders do – whether or not all the members of a group feel that way, simply by being associated with XYZ group, people assume that you feel that way, too. For example, in my group, there are several moms who are deeply religious. I know, right? I’ll wait a minute while you reconcile that shocking thought in your head…
… Yes. DEEPLY religious. As in, their religion defines them as people and dictates their behavior and response in any given situation. I’d definitely call that deeply religious… and yet they are in a secular homeschooling group. Why? Well, because the tenets of their faith do not jive with the tenets of the already-established faith-based groups in this area. Or maybe because their main goal in homeschooling is to educate, not indoctrinate. Or maybe it’s because we have a planned group activity every week. Or maybe it’s because our motto is “Triangle Homeschoolers – This is the place where people are awesome to each other.” Either way, association and participation in a secular group does not offer commentary on the state of our members’ faith or religious convictions. Just because the group as a whole does not lean in any one particular religious direction does not mean that the members are not zealous in their own beliefs. Think ‘separation of church and state’.
Bottom line is that I (and by extension, my group) am in no way as influential as you seem to think. While it would totally rock if that were so, it’s simply not true. If a secular group is not for you, then don’t join it. We are no threat to you or your children or your beliefs or your faith-based group. My advice would be to simply ignore what doesn’t apply or appeal to you. Better yet, why don’t you come see what we’re all about before you make up your mind?
Warmly,
~h
(Sorry for the 3-days late SecThurs post… I am back-dating it though, which is cheating, I admit, but this post needed a LOT of editing.)
October 14, 2010 | Categories: Classes, Rambling Thoughts, Secular Thursday, She said WHAT?, Socialization | Tags: balance, commentary, common sense, homeschooling, homeschooling support, life-lessons, secular homeschooling, Secular Thursday | 14 Comments »