Homeschooling is Hard
If you’d asked me when we started what the hardest part of homeschooling was, I’d have probably said something about the curriculum, or confidence. At the beginning of last year, it would have been ‘fitting everything in’ or making sure that they didn’t have too many gaps in their education’ – again confidence related with maybe a little scheduling thrown in.
Ask me now, going into our third year, what the biggest challenge of homeschooling is and I say it’s the time commitment; the never-ending constancy of being ‘on’. As either Mom or Teacher, I am on-stage from the moment they wake up in the morning to whenever they finally fall asleep in the evenings (despite the fact that bedtime is at 8PM and not including the occasional during-the-night call to action). I do normally get up around the same time Loverly Husband does in the morning since the kids have started sleeping a little later in the mornings – that gives me a little bit of coffee time alone – but not much.
When my kids were little, I was wholeheartedly committed to the principles of attachment parenting. I remember the kids pre-school years as fun and full of joy, and at that point, we were planning to homeschool so there was no change of scenery in sight. I was happy with that plan, but if I’m honest about it, I admit that there were lots of days that I was exhausted, overwhelmed and in desperate need of a nanny, a maid, and an all-expense-paid vacation to somewhere with sparkling sand and cabana boys.
As much as I enjoy my life, and I do recognize that compared to some situations out there my life has been nothing but roses, there have definitely been a couple of breaking points over the years that meant major changes for our family. These changes were needed, but probably should have been addressed sooner than they were. Once they were made though, the benefit to our family happiness was noticeable.
Never one for a pristine-clean house, when the kids were little it was pretty much always a disaster area. With little ones running around, it was really hard to keep them entertained and out of trouble long enough to get any real cleaning done, and whatever I cleaned, they’d messy again when I was in the hallway putting the cleaning supplies away. Since the kids were my priority, the house suffered. When PeaGreen was about 3 and a half or so, after a fight with my Loverly Husband, we finally got on a good housekeeping schedule (and the mighty Household Bossy Book was born). He and I both had roles to fill and after discussing what we had, and what we wanted to change, we were both more aware of the responsibilities that came with keeping up ‘our family’s’ home. It belongs to both/all of us, and though I don’t mind a larger portion of the housekeeping being heaped onto my plate since I am here, even LH and the kids have their ’chores’.
Another breaking point came when the kids started school. I was working (unpaid), trying to get a doula business off the ground, and dealing with the constant in-and-out of school, homework, being an active PTO member and volunteer – it was a lot. Since I was gone so much, it was harder to keep up with all the housekeeping myself, and so the Bossy Book got re-vamped, with the kids taking on larger responsibilities as chores. Then, due to a variety of circumstances, including a tragic miscarriage, I decided to put my personal career goals on hold, and soon after that we started homeschooling.
One of the benefits to having the kids in school though – and one that I miss greatly at times – is the amount of time that I had to myself. From 8AM to almost 3PM, even though I was still ‘on call’ for the kids if needed, it’s not the same as having them underfoot all day, every day. The initial adjustments to homeschooling were all about the good – it was such a welcome change from what we had been dealing with that the day-to-day hadn’t set in yet. Even as much as a year or so later, I think we were still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase.
A couple of months ago, I reached another breaking point. I was ready to quit; even went so far as to look up enrollment information for the kids to go back to school. Part of me was dead serious about it. Part of me was indulging in a fantasy. I was having a super bad day/week, and anything that wasn’t ‘here’ and ‘me’ was better than what we had going on – being stuck in a rut and not knowing how to get out of it. And of course, the reality that going back to school would not solve any problems; in fact, it would only add new and more awful ones to my already stressed-out plate. And so again, a necessary argument discussion with Loverly Husband about what we had and what was and what was not working was called for. He actually had a day off planned that week, and normally when he’s home, we’re off. But after discussing it, we decided to have school anyway, and let him see how things normally went.
Having a visitor for the day was a good thing*. Having Dad here to actually experience the way that we normally do school and the tactics that our (brilliant, clever and witty) kids have developed to circumvent my methods actually did help. I don’t typically harp on ‘discipline’ with my kids, but this is one area where lack of discipline (meaning ‘adherence to a structure’ and ‘self-discipline’ rather than ‘punishment’) was lacking. Instead of sticking to scheduled time frames, I was allowing pleading and negotiation when there really shouldn’t be any. School work is not negotiable (unless it is – in which case, it is presented as such) and is not up for discussion. That’s not to say that I don’t take their wants and needs into consideration; anyone who works with kids knows that in general, they are comfort-led. They’d rather take the easy route and that’s usually not the same as hitting the books (minor note here about child-led learning; I prefer a more parent directed approach until the basics are covered and their foundation is strong, after which their education will be more interest and strength fine-tuned. YMMV {wink}). Having Dad here to see how things work (and don’t) was a big help; his level of understanding what my day is/can be like, while still not the same as being the primary teacher, is better after having been involved all day. His suggestions and discussion with the kids, as well, helped bring us back to an even keel.
Another facet of this multi-layered issue is me. I have/suffer from/deal with clinical depression issues, and though I wouldn’t normally describe myself as an anxious person, my current medication includes an anti-anxiety component that I am finding extremely helpful. I have been on and off of medication in the past and have known for some time that I needed to go back on them. I did last month and things have been improving. Adjusting to new medication is kind of like a box of chocolates; I’ve been fortunate that my side effects are few and manageable.
Just to clarify, this post isn’t just griping about homeschooling. My point in posting this is to dispel any notion of the ‘homeschoolers are perfect’ style stereotypes and to illustrate how we work through problems in our family. We’re launching into the beginning of our school year, so I wanted to present an open look at what homeschooling can be like on the inside.
Yesterday was our first day back, and we’ve made some adjustments for this year. We generally have an enjoyable routine, though there have been bumps (and will yet be more in the future), we are committed to homeschooling. Helping everyone in our family understand that, and what their roles are, is key to successfully navigating home life – and homeschooling.
Warmly,
~h
* for clarification purposes: calling Loverly Husband/Dad a ‘visitor’ is not meant to imply that he’s not an active part of our homeschooling. As a homeschooling mom, I require his support and participation – but his primary role in our family is provider; mine is child and household care – that’s just the division of labor. Though we both weigh in on the kids’ education, that also is primarily my responsibility to manage. Use of the term ‘visitor’ only implies that he is not normally physically present in day to day schooling with us.
Tame Child-Creatures
“The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents – because they have a tame child-creature in the house. Let the kids be themselves and make no excuses for them. After all, they are their own little beings and not a clone.” ~Frank Zappa
I saw this posted the other day on Facebook. I and copied it to my TAL FB page, but ever since then, it’s been on my mind. I’ve been thinking about ‘tame child-creatures’ and comparing my own heathen horde with them and have thus far come out glad that our home contains none of these docile small people.
I’ll be blunt here; sometimes, homeschooling sucks, and when you have children who have been taught that their thoughts and opinions matter, and as a result of that, are used to being heard, listening to a 25 minute treatise on ‘Why We Shouldn’t Have to do Math Today’ can be doubly tiresome. We’ve spent the last couple of months in a bit of a rut. If you’ve been reading here lately, there have been a few posts whining about being tired and irritated. I would apologize for that, but I won’t lest I be accused of perpetuating the false notion that homeschooling is always hunky-dory.
I reached a breaking point (mental exhaustion-induced, I think now) and almost threw in the towel on homeschooling. After some discussion and intervention by Loverly Husband, some mindful cooperative parenting/homeschooling, a bunch of deep housekeeping and home-blessing projects and a substantial break and family vacation over the past two weeks, we’ve been successful in reigning in our kids a bit, setting some reasonable expectations and clearer boundaries and are getting back on an even keel.
That’s not to say that everything is comin’ up roses; we’re currently battling a little bit of First World Entitlement Syndrome (which has resulted in some serious discussions about their status in life and some plans on Mom/Teacher’s part to work in more hands-on direct contact with those less fortunate in our community).
All that aside though, I like that my kids have… personality. I am grateful that they’re thinkers and leaders – they question things; they don’t follow blindly and they’re confident that they will be heard. I count that as an accomplishment in my parenting career that my kids know that they can have their own opinions about things and that they feel free to express them. I admit that I have been embarrassed by them in public – what mom hasn’t? But most often, my embarrassment has come from me buying into some unrealistic stereotype that I momentarily feel pressured to conform to… like the idea that ‘good mothers’ have children who are mild-mannered, calm and quiet – especially in grocery stores.
I recently unsubscribed from a homeschooling support group because of the overwhelming presence of parents who want ‘tame child-creatures’; parents who have an unrealistic ideal in their head that their normally exuberant children don’t meet – and perhaps worse are the parents who are all too willing to share their favorite spirit-crushing methods of enforcing conformity. It got to the point that I was nauseated sometimes to read about some of the things parent’s have done to get those picture-perfect kids (like incorporating a spray bottle to squirt an errant child – like you might a puppy… srsly?? o_O).
The attitude seems to be that the long-term effects don’t matter (if they’re taken into consideration at all); as long as they present a good image to the world (or group) then whatever you do in the name of enforcing conformity is fine. I think that’s dishonest and downright harmful to the kids. It’s a mistake to think that in creating tame child-creatures, you’re actually molding the personality. If your child is wild at heart, you can discipline and punish the things you don’t like – but all that’s creating is a good actor. Sooner or later, that wild heart will break through, sometimes with tragic consequences. Wouldn’t it be ever so much better to work with your child to shape him or her into a productive adult? We all have flaws and personality quirks that will serve us in various ways as adults. As parents, we’re supposed to think in the long-term. Facilitating our child’s inherent traits to maximize future potential is in our job description. I believe that learning to ask questions will serve my kids better as adults than obedience. Confidence trumps conformity. Lead, don’t follow.
There’s balance, of course. We’re aiming for delightfully cultivated wild children here – not feral brats. I am not suggesting that children who are allowed to run free with absolutely no boundaries or expectations are better; they might even be worse. No one wants to deal with bratty children who haven’t been taught common courtesies. It makes me wonder how many parents go to the ‘tame’ extreme because they’re afraid of having a ‘brat’; and furthermore, how much the ‘tame’ and ‘bratty’ children contribute to the problem because other parents only see the two extremes – the oh-so-appealing docile and obedient child who never gives a moment’s trouble and the obnoxious, loud feral child who has no concept of his or her role in society.
I like the natural indulgence in the fullness of the moment that kids seem to live in when they’re allowed to; it’s a reminder to me to live in the ‘now’. If they’re a little loud, so what? If they’re a little bouncy, that’s usually okay, too. A few well-placed reminders do the job nicely. It’s more work, sure – you have to be present and paying attention to your kids a lot of the time. But that’s mindful parenting, not performance parenting and that’s what we’re working towards. Cultivating wild children means that you’re actively involved in what your kids are doing now, not trotting them out like show ponies. Even with all the effort that goes into striving for balance, I think I’d rather embrace the wild than train and tame.
Warmly,
~h
Just DO it.
If you’re unfamiliar with our schedule this year, we have school for four weeks, then take a week-long break, all year long (with a couple extra weeks in December, between the end of one school year and the beginning of the next, which is on Jan 1).
This week, thank all that is sacred in that which was, is and ever shall be, is our off week. We had kind of a wonky schedule over the summer, with a lighter workload and more days off than I’d originally planned. As is wont to happen, I started feeling like things were sliding, so in a fabulous (but misguided) flurry of organization and determination, I announced that we would henceforth be putting our noses to the grindstone and get back on track. Somehow, in my blaze of glory, I decided that the best way to accomplish this was to skip the last break, which put us at 6 weeks straight of school.
Oh, silly young Padawan… there is still much to learn.
The funny thing is, I already knew that this was a mistake. Our schedule last year was 6 weeks on, one off. We only had school 4 days a week, but I realized towards the end of the year that 6 weeks was too long. We all get burned out, and consistently, by the end of week 6, I was seriously struggling to get schoolwork organized and the kids were lollygagging about, doing any and everything but schoolwork. After 5 weeks, max, we all needed a break! This just goes to remind me that, even as a somewhat more experienced homeschooling mom (now that I’m almost through our 2nd year), that lingering ‘school’ mentality still exists.
So, in an effort to maybe have these things sink in (AGAIN), I give you my list of reminders why homeschooling is awesome:
- City ISD school year calendar and State Education Association list of skills by grade: these are not the schedules you’re looking for.
- There WILL BE gaps in their education. No matter where they go to school, or in what style they’re educated, or how many days and weeks they spend learning, there is always MORE to know. No two ideals of what is ‘core knowledge’ will match up, so stop trying to please everyone else! Teach them how to learn, and to love learning that they will be
FINEAMAZING. - For the love of Pete, stop trying to ‘catch up’. Education is a marathon, not a race. They’re going to be ahead in some things and behind in others. That’s okay… they’ll get there when they need to.
- Remember the fun stuff! Education is not just about book learnin’. There are arts and crafts and gluing macaroni and cotton balls to construction paper. It’s creating seed mosaics and painting with food dyes, exploring the world, doing it themselves, and learning at the knee of a seasoned professional with knowledge to share. Revel in the fact that you have freedom from the established norm – the amazing opportunity – to collect these types of learning experiences for your children. Be willing to go out and MAKE them happen for them!
- Breaks are essential to balance. Being parent and teacher is an extremely stressful job. It’s easy – too easy sometimes – to get caught up in the constant pressure and demand for educational excellence that homeschooling parents deal with. It comes from within and from outside – but it cannot rule your relationship with your kids. Take breaks often and enjoy them fully. Laze about and relax!
~h
Giving From the Heart – NVC Week 1
So, like I mentioned before, we’re adding NVC to our list of ‘required’ subjects. This is a 13-week course, and ideally, I’ll be posting once a week with an update. For the previous NVC post, check here. (Yikes – talk about putting it off – the first post was back in November of last year. {hangs head in guilt and shame})
Moving on, here are my thoughts on Chapter One. Let’s start with a few questions from this week’s chapter:
What is the purpose of NVC (as it applies to me)?
What is meant by ‘NVC is more than a process or a language’?
What are some areas or ways that MVC can be used in (my) life and community?
What draws me to NVC? What is it that I deeply wish for my life and my world?
I’ll get to the questions in a sec, but first I wanted to talk about the ‘connecting to how I feel in this moment’ exercises. Over the last few months, I’ve really been trying to take better care of myself mentally and emotionally. Every day, I take a few minutes to meditate and stretch and just ‘be’. I think that this type of centering time has helped me be more calm and bale to respond more effectively to the kids. I also am enjoying the time to myself – even if it’s only a few minutes.
I will say that working on the suggested childhood back-tracking and being honest and connected to how I feel about things is difficult and sometimes painful. This is not an experience or lesson that I particularly enjoyed… and then saying that makes it sound like I had a harsh or bad childhood. Not so, but I guess the exercise is designed to look at the roots of whatever communication malfunctions one has now by focusing on the negatives from the past. Without justifying, I can honestly say that there are definitely patters that were laid that need to change. I’ve always known that I wanted to do things differently than my parents did, and that caused some disharmony in my family when the kids were younger. Now that they’re older, we still do things very differently, but I can see where improvements need to be made – I find myself in the uncomfortable position of knowing what I don’t want to do, but lacking the know-how to achieve what I do want.
My main interest and goal in learning and applying NVC is multi-purpose: both to improve my own connection and motivation for how and why I communicate, and to set a good example/improve the communication and compassion with my husband and my kids. I also feel that my kids are approaching the age where they need to be learning how and why the ‘right course’ of action is so, and to choose it willingly because it is right. Parents can only enforce the rules for so long; at some point the kids have to start making those kinds of decisions for themselves. I really want to focus on that part of it – getting them in touch with obligation, responsibility and actions. I do think that people, children in particular, are born with the desire to help. So learning how to approach requests with the aim of helping someone appeals to me.
I see a lot of areas for improvement; I feel like I am not communicating effectively or compassionately sometimes, and it bothers me. I also see how my family communicates (or doesn’t, as the case may be) and that is not a cycle I wish to perpetuate with my own kids (any longer). I think that learning new techniques now will be beneficial – and easier for my children to learn and implement now, while the foundations of communication are still being forged, than to have to attempt changing them as adults as I am trying to do.
I’m not an expert, and I may not fully understand right now, but I think that NVC as a process is about connecting with your own motivations and needs and learning how to effectively communicate them with requests for actions that allow them to be met. I use sarcasm as a defense and an attack. I also use it in good clean fun, but I hide behind it as well. I’m teaching my kids through example, intentionally or not, and though I enjoy a dry wit and cutting remark just as much as the next guy, I don’t want that to be their primary form of communication.
At the same time, I don’t want to be or feel or seem all loopy and open and hippie-dippy the way that I perceive many NVC-type people to be. I am fully aware that this is a perception, not necessarily reality – I remember pre-children, how naive and ill-informed I was about so many things – and how my perceptions were colored before I had kids of my own; I can imagine that this is a similar situation and perception. It will be interesting to come back in a few months and read this and see if my perception has changed. I did want to document it though, as an experiment of sorts.
There are a lot of examples in the book of what a person says – the words that they use. I’ve made a list of some of the ones I like or
think I might use to help myself remember them. I wasn’t raised with this type of language (refered to as ‘giraffe’) so using it does not come naturally to me. It’s effort. My instinctual response – and usually the wrong response – is much more emotionally seated and dramatic. Keeping calm is helpful, remembering in the heat of the moment to remain calm is virtually impossible somewhat difficult.
I re-created this poster in MSWord and printed out a page to hang at my desk and at both of the kids’ desks. Little reminders do help! It might seem silly to have behavior reminders (for Mom) up throughout the house, but I need them just as much as the kids do, and I’ll take all the help I can get!
Resources for new-to-NVC:
- NVC Academy - not a free site, but they do have some free tools and ideas of what to do or make if you prefer to make your own.
- NVC Key Ingredients - if you’re interested in NVC and don’t have the book, this is a basic outline of the process. Helpful for a reference if you print it out.
The Mom I Am vs. The Mom I WannaBe
So I’ve been thinking about ‘celebrating the mom I am’ in response to an article over at Mothering Magazine. I love this article. I could have written it (in a ‘standpoint-wise’, not ‘talent-wise’ sort of way, I mean).
I try. All of us here in our house try. We wake up almost daily with yoga, meditation and reminders to be kind to each other. I need these things as much as the kids do!
Overall, I am pretty happy with the kind of mom I am. I know my strengths and am mostly fair about acknowledging my weaknesses, but there are always ‘those’ moms out there who make everything look so darn easy. I hate them as much as I envy them.. even while I know that the image they present is probably not the length and breadth of their mothering, it still stings a little when I see someone I perceive to be doing a better job than I am.
Along those lines is the ever-patient mom who never wants to be away from her kids. Her older kids, I should say. Lately, I’ve been contemplating the way I feel when I leave my children somewhere – at Gramps’ house or on rare opportunities to go out with the Girls and leave the kids home with Loverly Husband. As much as I needed to be with them when they were small and did not want or feel like I required time away from them as babies, I really need to be without them sometimes now. As a militant strong advocate of attachment parenting, this is an odd feeling to have.
I have joy when I get to go somewhere without them. The pure glee of being able to think only of and for myself is so nice… and I am at odds, emotionally with this feeling. Mentally, I see it as a developmentally appropriate step, and also a sanity-saving one. I love my Loverly Husband to bits and pieces, but put us in a small space for a prolonged period of time and he bugs the ever-loving snot out of me. My children, though part of me, are no less individuals – whole people – who, at times, are very, very annoying people. Like any other person, there does come a time when I wish to divest myself of their company for a while.
I’m a better mother – and homeschool teacher – when I have time away. I think that the time/togetherness factor is a big one for homeschooling parents. Other parents get 7+ hours, 5 days a week during the school year to re-group. I think that’s a little much for me; I’d be content with a few hours, consistently, once a week or so. When my kids were small, my sister and one of our friends had a babysitting co-op that we did every Monday. I am seriously considering looking for people to do this with again. Funny, I didn’t realize how seriously I was considering that until I typed it out – but I guess I am.
I think that part of celebrating the mom I am also entails looking for areas where I need to improve and taking steps to do so. I’ve mentioned before doing the Non-Violent Communication Workbook, and have been putting it off. In recent months, my grandmother’s health has been deteriorating, so my parents are moving in with her. This is an understandably difficult transition for all of them, but the dysfunctional communication that I’ve always known was there is rampant.
It’s ugly.
It’s harsh – and I realized that that’s how I sound when I talk to my kids sometimes. Talk about an eye-opener. Plus, as cycles are wont to do, I’m starting to see those communicative malfunctions in my kids. So in a Herculean effort to break this destructive cycle, we started the NVC Workbook together last week, as part of our school work. We’re on week one/chapter one, and I have another post in the works that details some of the chapter and workbook. So far, so good; we made posters that detail the four main points of NVC: What do I see? Feel? Need? and How can you help (request for action)? We’ve been practicing, and it’s going to tale a while to change the pattern, but it’s worth the effort to do so.
I’ve also been upping my meditation time. I have a space in my new bedroom that is dedicated to such internal musings, and I am making daily use of it. I’ve also been working on the 60 Ways to Nurture Myself list, trying to implement at least one daily; more if possible.
What about you? What does ‘being comfortable with the mom you are’ mean to you?
Warmly,
~h
Real Moms Kill the Mommy Wars
It seems like a lot of my favorite bloggers are writing about their various frustrations with the ‘mommy wars’ lately. The Feminist Breeder, The Stir, and Smrt Mama all have written thought-provoking pieces, and so I (never one to miss a bandwagon) thought I’d chime in with my thoughts as well.
I keep hearing all this noise about the ‘mommy wars’ and I have to say that the ONLY place I ever hear about it is in the media. Absolutely NO ONE that I know in real life has ever so much as alluded to being in competition with moms who work, or stay home, or use day-care, or don’t. In my community*, the moms support each other, they help where they can, and at the end of the day, they’re just too damn tired to worry about what Mrs. Smith/Jones/Wilson down the street is doing with her kids.
In the course of an average day, I may have any or all of the following things on my mind:
- feeding the children
- cleaning up after the children
- helping the children learn to clean up after themselves
- helping that behavior become a habit (can they not SEE that the kitchen trash can is FULL??)
- housekeeping
- keeping the fridge and pantry both clean and stocked
- educating the children
- keeping my Loverly Husband interested
- providing social opportunities for my children
- not letting clinical depression get the best of me
- why are the only bathroom smell options I am allowed limited to dirty socks-and-pee or bleach?
- motivating myself to do any of the 20 things that need to be done rightfreakingnow
- I really need to go visit my parents and my grandmother
- laundry
- my NYE resolutions
- planning next week’s lessons/activities
- I need to go have coffee with my friends
- I really want to work in my art journal
- sorting things into keep, sell, donate and throw-away piles
- family nutrition
- community service
- recent community events
- recent global events
- how to help
- how to talk to my kids about them and teach my kids to help
- I need coffee
- the song that’s stuck in my head
And that’s only a small sampling. I certainly don’t have time to even notice what Suzy Homemaker and Janice the Attorney are doing with their kids, much less worry about or compare. I take it on faith that she’s doing the best she can with the resources that she has available to her. If that means family that help her out or a nanny in the budget – well, more power to her. If she’s a single mom, struggling to make ends meet and ensure that her kids are fed and bathed (and must endure others taking on those tasks while she works a crappy job and goes to school for a few years so she can ultimately provide a better life for herself and her kids), then rock on, you hard-working, brass-balled WOMAN. Yeah!
Media portrayal of mothers at each other’s throats is a fantasy. It’s an unrealistic stereotype that grown ups don’t have time for. Every mother sees huge cracks in the persona that she presents to the world, and every. single. mom. has regrets and guilt over the paths that she did take and the ones she didn’t. Suzy Homemaker looks cool as a cucumber and so well-put together. Her kids hang on her and she rises above it all like the Empress of Compassion and Patience. In reality, she’s frazzled. She desperately wishes that she had a few moments to herself and could afford a pedicure. Janice the Attorney looks great in her power suit and can delegate without missing a beat. But you’ll never see her cry about missing Little Johnny’s first smile or steps or first day of school – instead, she has to hear about it from someone else. You also don’t see the boss in the background, or the snide remarks from the child-free that she endures because she dared to have a child instead of focusing on her career. And Sally Single Mom misses out on everything – at least for a while – without bitching-n-moaning about it. She doesn’t have time to complain, or worry what you think or say because she has precious few hours with her kids and she’s going to make the most of them.
Surely you see that these are stereotypes. Furthermore, I think they’re media-influenced stereotypes and that no one fits them for real. In truth, there are benefits and drawbacks to any course of action or choice as a parent. Being a stay at home mom is great. I love it 99% of the time. But it’s a lot of work, and it works for me. It may or may not work for you. Or for her. Or for them. And that’s fine. She loves working – it’s fulfilling in ways that I don’t understand (because that’s not my personality); and she doesn’t ‘get’ why on earth I’d choose to be home with the kids all day, every day. I don’t get why she’d put up with the double-duty of nurturing a career and child-rearing. That doesn’t mean that we don’t want the same things for out kids, or that we’re not both actively working to provide those things for our families in the best ways we know how.
So that’s my take. Real moms, be they work-for-pay or stay-at-home, send the kids to pre-school or homeschool through high-school, full-time or (is there really another option??), in sweats or Chanel – REAL MOMS don’t have time for mommy war crap.
Warmly,
~h
*perhaps I should clarify what I mean by ‘community’ here… I mean the intentional community of mothers (and fathers) that I have surrounded myself with; the wonderful mothers in my local playgroups, mothering support groups and homeschool groups, in the internet community and forums that I frequent and social networking groups I belong to; those from all walks of life, old friends and new ones, who support each other when their paths are on similar tracks and when life circumstances change and they find themselves on other tracks (planned or unplanned); when our choices and decisions mesh and when they don’t; where we’re all respectful of one another even when we disagree. This is not a community build without purpose, nor without effort. It’s taken years of dedicated and sincere women working together to create this space and I am so thankful to be part of it. If you’re one of those moms, then I say with absolute sincerity, ‘Congratulations. You effin’ rock.’
Socializing With ‘Normal’ Kids
If there’s one area of interest that I share with Christian Homeschoolers, it’s the desire to have a strong social network of like-minded peers for my children.
I want my kids to see other families placing importance on issues that we feel strongly about. I want them to see and hear the things that we believe reinforced in their peers’ actions, conversations and beliefs. I want my kids to know and interact with other people out there who share our world-view and mindset. I feel that this is a key point in helping my children find their place in the world.
Unfortunately, living a secular lifestyle in the Bible Belt makes that desire somewhat challenging to fulfill. Though we have an active secular homeschooling support group, we’re far from the majority. ’Normal’ people around here attend a Christian-based church. Most people admit, and prefer, that their primary social network is deeply rooted in the church. Even people who don’t attend church regularly espouse some religious preference or bias and still tend to form relationships with people who share an affinity for their chosen religious leanings. Though religious diversity is finally starting to trickle down this far south the vast majority of people, especially in the homeschooling community, are of a Christian denomination.
For the most part, that’s fine. Like most ‘normal’ people, our family places importance on being fair and considerate, being respectful to and of others, being a good neighbor and continuing to ‘better’ ourselves, and on other basic ethical principles. But that’s really where the similarities end.
We don’t place emphasis on the Bible or any other ‘holy book’. We respect that other people do, but it is far from an infallible source of authority in our home. When there’s a question, we don’t ask ‘what would Jesus do’, we talk about how doing XYZ ‘feels’ or how that might impact you in the future, or look to history to see how a similar action turned out. When faced with questions that can’t be answered, we emphasize that it is okay not to know all the answers and again encourage focusing inwardly to explore how different paths feel for you as an individual. We feel that it’s our job to guide them on their journey, not direct them on a path.
It’s just as important to me to have these concepts reinforced in my children’s social circle as it is for your average ‘normal’ mom to want her ideals echoed in her children’s peer group. It’s even more important when the issues are more complicated; things like LGBT rights, family planning and reproductive rights, sex education and sexual activity, language, censorship… there are many issues that we feel differently about than your average bear. It worries me that my children might be deemed a ‘bad influence’ when they’re around ‘normal’ kids just because of differences in opinion on what ‘right’ is. My children recognize injustice and hate, even when it’s painted with the church’s brush, and aren’t afraid to decry it. Some people find that offensive and though I feel that’s their issue and not ours, justifying wrong as ‘right’ in the name of religion is not something I want my kids exposed to.
So how does one go about establishing connections with like-minded people? The internet, of course! Something I have been looking for, and finding, is other secular and inclusive groups in my area. Granted, my ‘area’ has grown to include cities over 3 hours away, but still. There are more than a couple of close-ish groups that specifically call to homeschooling families that eschew the stereotype and not only are ‘secular’ but have members who practice religions other than Christianity.
I believe that making these connections now, while my kids are young, will afford them opportunities when they’re older. Expanding my reach and field of vision is important if I want them to think and live globally. I feel that the key to respect is exposure – exposure to differences of viewpoint and lifestyles that challenge their concept of ‘normal’; exposure to art, literature, ideas, beliefs and religions that aren’t represented or respected in our community. It is important to me that my children learn to look beyond external extensions of their peers and see the person as a whole; to find what is similar instead of what is different.
I’m fortunate to have found a local community of like-minded families to spend time with. I am glad that my children have friends who are being raised similarly, whose parents answer questions with the same sort of mindfulness that I strive to consider when replying. As the secular homeschooling community expands, I look forward to meeting other parents who share that world view, and the additional opportunities that will be available through those connections. Very fortunate, indeed.
Warmly,
~h
Secular Musings
Why is there a need for a secular homeschool group? Why would you join a secular homeschool group?
This seems to have come up in response to an inquiry I made of some of the other homeschooling groups in the area. There is a free class for teachers and homeschooling parents through the TX Parks & Wildlife called Project Wild that we’re about to participate in, and since we need to have X number of people to set up a local class, I contacted some of the groups in the area to see if they might have an interest in this as well. Somehow, that ‘good intention’ has morphed into widespread fear that I might be trying to ‘bring the homeschooling groups together’ for some strange and scary ‘interfaith’ activities that may or may not be designed to subvert their kids away from the church.
Le sigh.
I love the picture above, because it is the personification of what is wrong with faith-based groups. They don’t understand, and they don’t want to understand. I am reminded of Chris Tse’s words in his amazing poem, “I’m Sorry I’m a Christian“:
…so confident of my own beliefs that I would never even think to think about thinking about yours.
Why ‘secular’? Mainly… because I am not ‘one of you’. I don’t feel comfortable in your groups because everything you say (esp. re: history and science and Biblical ‘truth’) is presented as fact with no room for discussion. I don’t share your convictions on those points; why would I subject myself to an environment where there is only room for one truth and not even respect for anything else? That is why we both need, and have, and have joined, a secular group.
My question to you is, ‘Why can’t you do anything without it being steeped in your faith? Do you not derive strength and fortitude from any other source? What would you/will you do if ever your faith is proven to be false? Will you cease to have a reason to live and give up all hope or will you still find that you are the same, concerned, loving parent intent on doing the best you can for your kids? That sounds sarcastic; I know it does, and yet it is an honest question.
I have long left the faith I was raised in and have remained constant. I am still the same person I have always been and I manage do so on the sole merit of my own authority, not because of faith or belief or religious dictates. I have not changed. What I believe and believe in has. I refuse to allow adherents of any religion to dictate how I feel about things, what I can see, what I can listen to, who I can be friends with or grant them authority over any other aspect of my life and lifestyle. I’m both capable of and interested in doing those things for myself.
All that said, I really do think that the Christian homeschooling community at large gets a bad rap a lot of the time. I think that the vast majority of homeschoolers are probably ‘normal’ people. They laugh at funny jokes, they watch TV, they like music – you know, normal. It’s that vocal few who have the drive (or narcissistic personality disorder?) to start and successfully run a homeschooling group who end up speaking for the group because that’s what group leaders do – whether or not all the members of a group feel that way, simply by being associated with XYZ group, people assume that you feel that way, too. For example, in my group, there are several moms who are deeply religious. I know, right? I’ll wait a minute while you reconcile that shocking thought in your head…
… Yes. DEEPLY religious. As in, their religion defines them as people and dictates their behavior and response in any given situation. I’d definitely call that deeply religious… and yet they are in a secular homeschooling group. Why? Well, because the tenets of their faith do not jive with the tenets of the already-established faith-based groups in this area. Or maybe because their main goal in homeschooling is to educate, not indoctrinate. Or maybe it’s because we have a planned group activity every week. Or maybe it’s because our motto is “Triangle Homeschoolers – This is the place where people are awesome to each other.” Either way, association and participation in a secular group does not offer commentary on the state of our members’ faith or religious convictions. Just because the group as a whole does not lean in any one particular religious direction does not mean that the members are not zealous in their own beliefs. Think ‘separation of church and state’.
Bottom line is that I (and by extension, my group) am in no way as influential as you seem to think. While it would totally rock if that were so, it’s simply not true. If a secular group is not for you, then don’t join it. We are no threat to you or your children or your beliefs or your faith-based group. My advice would be to simply ignore what doesn’t apply or appeal to you. Better yet, why don’t you come see what we’re all about before you make up your mind?
Warmly,
~h
(Sorry for the 3-days late SecThurs post… I am back-dating it though, which is cheating, I admit, but this post needed a LOT of editing.)
Summer Days…
As much as I wish I could wax poetic about the long days of summer slipping by, the truth is in Southeast Texas, we still have MONTHS of ‘summer’ to enjoy (if by ‘enjoy’ you mean ‘seek refuge from the soul-sucking humidity and glaring obscenity of brightness that used to be sunshine in the dark, cool confines of your home’). I am not even kidding.
While it’s true that some kids have gone back to school already, most of the local ISDs don’t start until Monday. Our homeschool group is having a “Not Back to School Park Day” to celebrate this blessed event, in which the libraries will once again return to the quiet haven we’ve known them to be, parks will be devoid of the 500 rowdy school aged children bogarting the swings, and museums once again get so little traffic that they’re over-helpful when homeschooling kiddos visit them… ahhhh.
Since here, many homeschooling families are involved in co-ops, and co-op groups likewise start next week (they usually follow the ISD’s schedule since many families have kids in both), we’re getting in quite a bit of last-minute visiting and play-dating with friends in. Today, we had lunch and spent the afternoon with my friend PB&JMom and her four kidlets.
The most amazing thing about visiting with this family for my kids is that they have BOYS. Almost all of my friends either have all girls, or have boys that are much older or much younger than mine. Not to say that the kids don’t all play well, they really do, but there is an entirely different dynamic at work when you have a group of boys similar in age.
For the majority of the day, the boys were neither seen nor heard from. They played legos, then video games for a bit, then went out to play in the yard, then set out down the road a ways to catch minnows and explore and just be boys…
The boys had a wonderful time… they were out, alone, exploring the world around them and quite happy to be masters of their own destiny, if only for an afternoon. So much fun was had that they were quite reluctant to leave – something that I never thought I would say I was glad to see (because when they were very small fry, a change in the status quo – like leaving a playdate – was call for a meltdown of epic proportions… now, it’s just a mild rumbling of dissent, but a realization that we’re seeing these same friends for two days in a row next week, so maybe the world will not, in fact, end, after all). They jumped into the van sweaty and muddy and hungry and content.
While they were gone, I started thinking about the whole ‘free range kids movement’ and became all annoyed again (as ever I do when I think about many of the extreme POVs found in that sector). This, to me, is what childhood should be about… freedom, but not at the expense of good sense. PB&JMom’s boys know their boundaries and are familiar with the area. There were four (actually 5 since a neighbor’s little boy joined them), so no one child was left alone – the buddy system in full effect. They actually did get scraped up a bit from scrambling down to get the bucket, yet no one came crying to mom about it – and let me just say that ALL of these children are ‘attached’ kids.
The assertions that ‘AP’ parents don’t let their kids experience anything really bug the crap out of me because it’s not true - at least in all cases. PB&JMom and I were enjoying our conversation in the house while the boys were out – for most of the afternoon. I sent them out with my camera (which is shatter-proof and waterproof; basically, it is kid-proof and one of the few things I consider ‘essential’ childcare equipment) to do as they will. Their only instruction today really was , ‘Don’t die.’
Generalizations are generally a bad thing, you know {wink}, and the generalization that AP automatically equals over-protective hovering is flat-out fallacious. I stand by what I said in my previous thoughts on free range kids post. I agree that kids need freedom to explore; I just don’t think that they need to be foisted into the world without a net, which is how it seems to me more often than not when I read FRK-style parenting blogs, which, ironically is another generalization – and one that I am sure makes ‘normal’ FRK moms pretty hacked off to read!
It’s not that I am opposed to the FRK movement overall. There are aspects of it that I wholeheartedly agree with. But so many factors will go into what is safe or right for each family; location is a big one – and I don’t think that any of us can truly judge another’s choices without being in their shoes… and even then, personal preference, personal philosophy and experience will still make those things different. I also happen to be of the opinion that the only way to be sure of what it is that I believe is to continually challenge myself on it… which is why I read things that might make me annoyed; it makes me think, and I do totally respect that. Anyway… enough philosophizing for one post, I think. {wink}
We had an awesome, fantastic, super-duper day and I want to end it on a high note. Tomorrow is Secular Thursday, so if you’re reading this and not currently a ST blogger, then I really encourage you to splash about in that puddle. Write about what secular homeschooling means to you and link back to Smrt Lernins Secular Thursday page with your post. The list there is growing and its so nice to have a great list of blogs to browse in the evening.
Warmly,
~h
Making Friends… for Mom
One of the biggest challenges, by far, as a homeschooling mom has been finding time without the children. It’s a rare event that I get more than an hour or so to myself, and even that is maybe once a week.
Loverly Husband is nothing if not supportive, and is wonderful at giving me what time he can – if he runs to the store, he’ll take the kids with and he takes them to see his grandmother almost every weekend for an hour or so. He misses spending time with them (he works a lot), and it’s nice to have even a half hour to myself.
I can’t complain overmuch; this is the lifestyle we chose. We’ve actually worked hard to be able to keep me home with the kids and have re-arranged things for that to continue so we can homeschool, so it’s not that I don’t love my life – I do. But even the most dedicated mom needs a break now and then.
I realized the other day that all of my current friends have come into my life because they have children that are close my kids in age. I’ve met some through playgroup, some through La Leche League, some through my sons’ former school – but aside from my sisters, I literally have NO friends that have not come into my life that are not related in some way to my children.
I think that the children tend to be my main connection point with other women. How I raise my children – the ideals that we live by – these are key points in my life and I just can’t make friends that don’t share at least some of those ideals. It’s virtually impossible to have friends who don’t have children because they just don’t get why I can’t go and do stuff – it’s because of the kids, but not for the reason you think. I like my children. I enjoy spending time with them. They’re really awesome little dudes!
That said, yesterday afternoon was spent on a nice, long, moms-only break from the precious little darlings with SFK and PB&JMom, because if I did not get a few hours to myself, I really might lose my ever-loving mind. I find it amazing how much just those few hours (well, okay… 9, but who’s counting??) have refreshed my outlook and re-filled my patience bank. Loverly Husband is off this coming week, so we’re looking forward to days of family togetherness fun – but I am so glad I got a bit of a break before that!
Warmly,
~h
SuperMom
So I’ve been trying to write this post about “SuperMom” for a couple of weeks now. I keep opening it and writing and editing it and then loosing my train of thought and saving the draft, never finishing it out. My (as ever, long-winded) point is that someone called me a “SuperMom” the other day (and though I’ll not pretend like it didn’t make me feel good to have a near-stranger acknowledge the total awesomeness that is me), it got me thinking about how that comment, though meant in most instances as a compliment, seems more like self-depreciating commentary on her own mothering by the person saying it; that somehow she’s not measuring up to the invisible yardstick that we all carry.
Mothers are competitive. Oh yes, we are – don’t try to deny it! For many of us, becoming a mother is the single most life-altering experience that we go through and it leaves us forever and profoundly changed. Not only in and of yourself, but also with the title of “Mom” comes the immense responsibility of creating a complete and functional person. We’ve all seen how our own parents have screwed up, and most of us are determined not to make the same mistakes. On some level, I think we all go into being a mom (at least mentally) just knowing that we’re going to be perfect parents. Then your babe is born, reality sets in and we all kinda realize that we are in NO WAY qualified to do this job. In the first few weeks, your life changes so much – you had no idea how different things would be. On the one hand, you’re thrilled with this opportunity. On the other, you’re second guessing yourself, wondering if you haven’t just bitten off significantly more than you can chew.
But somehow you get through. You wake up one day and realize that you’ve worked through the initial issues getting started and that you’re actually breastfeeding and it’s going well. You discover that cloth diapers are not as horrible as you always thought they’d be (in fact, you’re kinda enjoying them). The prospect of making your baby’s food instead of buying jarred sounds intriguing rather than crazy. You discover that you actually love having your baby in your bed. Your baby is happy and healthy and content and you start to fall into a routine – and the routine becomes your life. You gain confidence – after that first sleepless night where the baby cried ALL NIGHT LONG and you made it through; stick a feather in your cap. Then you’re hitting milestones and baby is starting to respond to you – smiling, reaching for toys, rolling over… and the competition starts. You start seeking other moms with babies that are close in age to yours and talking. You’re mentally comparing your baby to theirs – is she doing this? Is he doing that? It’s not intentional – but it happens. You even tell yourself that ‘every baby is different and they all develop at their own pace’ – but you still start to feel happy if your baby is a bit ahead, or worry if your babe is lagging behind. Still, you reassure yourself that you’re a good mom and that’s all that matters, right?
Then there are the different ways that parents have with their babes. Depending on which books they’ve read, or which ones you’ve read (or what websites, or what their friends do, or what their family has told them to do or not to do…), they might feed by breast or bottle, baby might sleep with them or in a crib, they might diaper in cloth or in disposables, they might vaccinate or not – there are so many options and so much information to process and such a short time frame in which to process it – how do you go about deciding what’s best?
Most of us make our choices and then in some form or another, pass judgement on parents who follow different paths. It’s normal and natural – not that I endorse doing so; I’m saying that it’s just how it is. Most of us try to overcome that tendency and keep an open mind when it comes to differences – but the truth is that we all do what we do with our kids because we believe that THIS is the RIGHT way to do it. Of course it is; otherwise, why would we do that? So deep down, we all individually believe that we’re a better parent than any other – for our own kids, at least. And we have to believe that or we would be paralyzed by indecision and constantly second guessing ourselves. Kids need a stable environment, and being a wishy-washy parent is not conducive to stability.
The problem comes in when we find moms who we observe doing things that we like that are in conflict with what we do or with a belief about child rearing that we have committed ourselves to – or worse, somehow, is when you get more information and realize that you’ve done something that you really wish you hadn’t (or didn’t do something you really wish you had). I think one of the single hardest things to do as a parent is to admit that we were wrong about something. When it comes to something ‘big’ like discovering that what we thought we knew is wrong, it’s even harder. And somehow, when we start talking to other moms and they’re doing (or not doing) something we wish we had (or hadn’t), we feel guilty and some of us go on the defensive.
There’s a saying, ‘When you know better, do better.” I first heard it when I was contemplating not having any more vaccines for my oldest. The statement was meant, I believe, to alleviate guilt that a mom feels when she makes a decision that was based on too little information, education or research. This is a hard thing for me – not for the decisions I made in ignorance (like circumcision – I wishwishwish I’d had more info on that ‘routine procedure’ before my kids were born), but in the crusade to help other moms avoid the same mistakes I made. I know how it feels to field unwanted advice, but I also know how it feels to wish someone had told me that what I was doing had an alternative. So where do you find the balance? Is there a balance?
I do think that teaching by example is a viable way to educate. The drawback there is that as my kids get older, I have less and less opportunity to talk about topics that relate to babies, which is when I think new moms need access to information and alternatives. There is so much that happens in that first year or two that can be irreparable (circ, vax, CIO) and can do such lasting damage, and there just isn’t that much information out there on the alteratives in the mainstream that isn’t negatively biased. Unless you stumble across Mothering magazine or a La Leche League meeting, or are lucky enough to have an API group or other ‘crunchy moms‘ group in your area, you’re probably not going to hear a lot about alternatives to the mainstream (which is c-section, bottle-feeding, crib-sleeping, sleep-training, cry-it-out, stroller pushing, fully vaxed on schedule, disposable diapering, starting Gerber at 6 months, etc.)
It doesn’t end there. As your babe gets older, it’s not just the babies that you’re watching – you start taking in what other moms are doing too and comparing yourself. But does that really do any good? Well, sure. You can always pick up tips and ideas from watching what other moms do. I learned about baby-wearing and slings (and how and why they’re different and better than baby carriers*) and about all kinds of stuff from watching and talking to other moms. I even have the few moms that I look up to – moms that I call “SuperMom” in my head – and yes, in comparing myself to them, I feel inferior. That’s what got me started on this thread… I know when I say “SuperMom”, it’s in a wishful way – I wish I had XYZ traits that I see in that mom.
I have my strengths. I’m an organized mom. I always have extra clothes, a first aid kit, snacks and something for my kids to do – and usually a book or handicraft for myself – in my bag. If it’s not in my bag, then it’s in the car. That’s just how I roll. The upside to this is that we can take on practically any task at any time. I am also a very schedule/routine-oriented person, internally. I try not to let that interfere with my kids, but I have an incredibly high need for order. It may not look like it from the outside, but it’s there. (Okay, I know it’s plainly visible from the outside – I’m not fooling anyone, lol). When I plan my day, I need to do the things I planned on doing at the right time in the right order. The downside to this (and yes, there is a downside) is that when my schedule is thrown off or I am caught unawares, it is almost catastrophic to my state of being. Not that I am not flexible on my own – I can make changes, either to accommodate the kids or due to a better plan presenting itself, and that’s fine. But for someone else to throw off my schedule is extremely vexing.
I have some mama-friends who are, like me, organized and prepared for practically anything. I also have several mama-friends who wouldn’t know how to deal with a schedule if it jumped up and smacked them in the face. I envy these women their sense of spontaneity. I envy them their ability to deal with hungry kids on the go, or not freaking out when the child gets muddy and has to ride home half-nakee and their creative solutions for things that happen in the course of the day. I envy them their calm and ‘just roll with the punches” attitude and their patience when things don’t go according to schedule. I’m sure that my rigid adherence to the plan, and pique at being thrown off of it is just as annoying to them as the fact that we’re late is to me… but somehow, we have overcome this major difference in personality and style and have forged amazingly strong and supportive friendships, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have these women in my life to lean on and learn from. In our own ways, we’re providing the optimal environment for our children to thrive in. We’re meeting their needs – as many of them as we can. That’s our job, and we’re all damn good at it in our own ways.
Innate as being ‘judgy-judgy’ is to moms, we need to make the effort to move past that when we feel it creeping up inside. We also need to move past going on the defensive when someone talks about doing things differently than we do. We each need to be secure in our beliefs and philosophy and parenting style that what we’re doing for our children is right for them, and to be open to making changes when we find a better path. We need to be able to listen to another’s explanation or thoughts and weigh whether or not they have any merit for us or can be adapted for use in our own family.
Back to the “SuperMom” comment… it seems to me that there are plenty of criticisms coming in from many different angles once you become a parent; why add to that with self-depreciating comments of your own? I think the main thing we need to ask when we start second guessing ourselves is, “What does my heart tell me to do?” The instincts of a mother are pre-programmed into her brain. Without them, our species would not have survived this long, so there must be some value in them. We need to help each other, as mothers, to rediscover and trust the inherent wisdom that comes with motherhood. As a mom, YOU are the authority on your children – you’re with them more than anyone else (ideally) and you have a unique biological connection to your child that no one else can replicate. No one is better qualified to be your child’s mother than YOU. So no matter what your style or philosophy or failings, the only one who really needs to think that you’re a SuperMom is your kiddo – and chances are, s/he already does.
Warmly,
~h
*not a carrier – a SLING – and not a crappy Infantino one that got recalled – any babywearing mama would have told you that those are really inferior slings – buy from a WAHM off etsy.com!
Tricks of the Trade
I have seen several lists of “homeschooling rules”, and while I found them interesting, I have yet to come across a list that covers the points that *I* find relevant. So rather than continue to search, I decided to write my own. This isn’t necessarily a list of ‘rules’ to follow, but more tips and tricks that I think make homeschooling (no matter what your style) more successful – or at least a little bit easier.
Homeschooling Rules, Tips and Tricks of the Trade (by a bona fide homeschooling mom):
- Plan, plan, plan! Planning is key in making sure that you accomplish what you wanted to get done. That’s not to say that you can’t be flexible (allowing for fun or life’s little ‘extras’ that we all must factor in at times), but it does give you a clear starting point, place to stop and evaluate and a goal. That need not be anything ‘major’ – we’re not after little Einsteins with perfect moms or anything, but the last thing you want is to wake up 2 months from now and realize that you’re still in the first few lessons or pages of a workbook (or whatever your primary guide is). You’ll need a planner of some sort – preferably not a slip of paper, but something more substantial. They make planning books for teachers that you can adjust for your own use, or you can make one that you like. If your money or creativity are on a shoestring, even a plain spiral notebook can be used. Planning also allows you to keep track of special events dates (like holidays with special themed lessons, or field trips) and making sure that you set aside a specific time to plan your next (week? month? six-weeks?) will help you to use/try all those neat homeschooling resources that you bookmarked and never got back around to using.
- Establish a routine. They say it takes 20+ days to establish a new ‘habit’. I think it’s more of an individual thing. Whatever your daily grind is, make it simple and easy to remember (or follow at the very least). The cool thing about homeschooling is that you can include prayer/spiritual reflection/meditation/devotions in the morning or whenever it suits you – other things, too – literature readings, poetry – whatever strikes your fancy as being ‘important’ to you and your family. We have a weekly routine that includes some lessons on specific days (history on M&W, science on T&Th, tests on Th, library on W…) and activities on certain days (playgroup on Wednesday, for the summer, we’ll be doing the summer movie club at a couple of local theaters – can’t beat $1.00 tickets!!). That helps keep us on-task during the week, and breaks things up as we go.
- Keep ‘harder’ lessons in the early hours – interspersed liberally with out-of-seat activities. We normally start out with math or spelling, then english/reading and then centers (playtime), and then follow with math or spelling (whichever we didn’t do earlier) and history. No one wants to be trapped at a desk all morning. Doing something that keeps their minds engaged for a bit, then shifting gears so that their body is engaged for a while helps break up the tedium of desk-work (or couch-work as the case may be) and lets them get some energy out. The same rule applies for after lunch, too. You don’t want those full tummies inducing sleepiness when they’re supposed to be concentrating, so plenty of action and movement keeps their energy up and restless little bodies from driving you insane when they’re supposed to be paying attention!
- Just say ‘NO!’ – to people who want to infringe upon your homeschool day, that is. I’m not saying that special allowances can’t be made for special people or occasions. I’m talking about people who think that just because you’re ‘home’ all day means that you have time to do whatever it is that they want you to do. Most people don’t see that – all they see is a mom at home all day with kids underfoot, which for some reason in their minds, means that you’re available for errand-running, volunteering, and whatever else that they deem worthy of your time. Few people realize just how time-consuming and taxing homeschooling can be on a mama. Not only does she have to (on some level; peripherally though it may be) make sure that her kiddos are learning at a similar level (a bit behind, right on-target or a bit (or a lot) ahead), but she also has to familiarize herself with the material she’ll be helping her kids to understand, find said material (if she didn’t buy a boxed curriculum) and break it up into suitable lessons… for EACH SUBJECT – and for EACH CHILD if she has more than one and in separate grades! It’s no small task! So safeguard your homeschooling days/hours of the day. Your priority as a homeschooling parent is to provide/guide/enhance/facilitate your children’s education, not to be the neighborhood go-to girl.
- Play to your strengths as a homeschooling parent. Use what you have and don’t stress over the qualities that you don’t have – focus instead on the awesome qualities that make you (and your homeschooling environment) unique! Sure Janie may (seem to) have more patience, and Sarah is ever so much more organized, and Susan always finds the coolest things to do where ever they go – and it totally counts as “school”… some of that, you can cultivate, but if you’re not Miss Record Keeper 5000, then don’t stress about it! Your kids benefit in different ways from theirs. If it bothers you overmuch, ask your friend to plan a day with you to let you observe, and offer the reverse as well – chances are that the Super Mom you’re admiring is looking in your window with the same envies.
- Don’t be too rigid. Yes, I advocate planning and routines, but isn’t one of the reasons you chose to homeschool in the first place so that you could better LIVE your life, rather than be constantly at the mercy of arbitrary schedules and tasks? It was for us – being able to live OUR life and not the school administration’s was a huge plus. Being able to work our real-life happenings into our learning has been such an added bonus for us – and makes it more applicable for the kids. They see the correlation and it clicks for them. There’s no need to be strictly bound to plans or schedules. When the mood strikes (or tempers flare), taking the day off from planned lessons and exploring the world around you is a great way to re-focus and perhaps more importantly, to re-connect with your kids. I find that when things start feeling too “schoolish” around here, it’s definitely time for an unplanned outing.
- Make time in your schedule for extracurriculars and ‘fun stuff’ like art. Yes, this adds a significant additional time allowance, but it’s worth it! Most large-scale facilities offer group rates or special rates for homeschooling families. If you have a few friends (or even if they’re not ‘friends’ – if they’re willing to GO, then all you really need is bodies…) who can share the fun (and the discounted pricing), then go for it!
- Take time for MOM (or DAD if you’re a daddy-shaped homeschool teacher). One of the drawbacks to homeschooling is that whoever the ‘teacher’ is rarely gets a break – and almost never one that is spontaneous. So take advantage of any and every minute that you can get to yourself. Yes, we all know how absolutely wonderful our little students are, but even full-time teachers get hours each day to re-charge, re-group and re-fresh. Just because you’re uber-committed to your children’s education doesn’t mean that you’re allowed to neglect your own interests.
- Let the kids help with house and yard-work; it’s called “home economics”. Another drawback to homeschooling is housekeeping. Trying to be mom and teacher and housekeeper makes for a long day. Let those little ones do their fair share. I noticed that once we were home more, there seemed to double (at least) the amount of housework that needed to happen every day. Once I lightened my load by letting the kids take over things that they were capable of doing (like sorting and folding and putting away their laundry, sharing dish-duty (which is also a great time for a one-on-one convo with the kid sharing this chore with me)… it made things a lot easier – and help my kids learn how to start taking care of their own things.
- I was going for an even ten, but my mind fizzled out… so you’re only getting nine. Feel free to chime into the comments section with your own best-loved rules!
Warmly,
~h
“Just Leave Them Alone”
A friend of mine posted this on Facebook a few weeks ago and I read it, rejected most of it off-hand as semi neglectful, but I have to admit, I keep coming back to it. I’ve probably read it 50 times since she posted it, and it sounds less and less awful every time I read it. Dare I say at this point that it sounds like wonderful parenting advice?
Going hand-in-hand with the Imagination post I made a few days ago, that article has some sound theory. I’m sitting here watching my kids play Legos on the living room rug. There’s no TV on, no music on and neither child has asked to have either of those things turned on. They, like me, are simply enjoying “being” here. Now. With each other.
When someone calls my house and asks what I am doing, the answer is often “nothing”. That’s not entirely true. I am almost always watching my kids, or listening to them if they’re outside. I have noticed that when they’re outside lately, there will be long stretches of time when I can’t hear them. I’ve gone from being slightly freaked out by that to reveling in the fact that they can entertain themselves for that long, without making a ton of noise. When I peek out at them, it’s a game or a scenario that they’re playing. It’s just so neat! And this is without the interference of parental involvement.
I think what turned me off about the article initially was that it makes a parent who follows such a way seem lazy. I don’t like lazy parents. Parents who are too busy with their own thing (even if that things is just watching TV) to be bothered with their kids. I think there’s a balance that needs to be struck between letting your kids have the freedom to do their own thing and being unwilling to interact with them because you don’t have time for them. The article really doesn’t address that. It’s probably meant to be a bit tongue in cheek, and that’s fine, but I can’t help but feel like there’s some lazy mom or dad out there reading it and using that as justification for being a crappy parent.
I can see the value in leaving them alone and not having every entertainment be parent-directed. I never wanted to be one of those over-scheduled moms, shuffling kids back and forth to lessons that they don’t need to learn how to do things they don’t enjoy. We did tae kwon do one year and dance another, and though it wasn’t a huge imposition on our time, they didn’t enjoy it enough for us to stick with it, and there’s nothing right now that sparks their interest enough for me to manage classes either. I do want them to take piano at some point, but that can come later. I told my husband that with all the money we’re saving by not having the kids in classes, I am going to take the classes I want to take – probably a better use of our money and make me less inclined to ‘want’ them in classes that they aren’t interested in, too!
So here’s the manifesto… my comments are alongside in parentheses.
Manifesto of the idle parent
We reject the idea that parenting requires hard work (sorta… it requires effort, which is not always the same as hard work)
We pledge to leave our children alone (for the most part…)
That should mean that they leave us alone, too (with child-to-child issues, certainly. Letting them hash out their own problems is good for them. But there are times when they just NEED Mom or Dad’s attention, and not because they’re hungry or hurt, but because they genuinely need some of Mom or Dad’s attention. And when they do, they should have it, without reservation when they’re tiny and according to their ability to understand and wait as they age.)
We reject the rampant consumerism that invades children from the moment they are born (yes, I wholeheartedly agree!)
We read them poetry and fantastic stories without morals (yes, yes, yes!)
We drink alcohol without guilt (Occasionally, and let the kids have a sip now and then, too. Pretend you’re French or Italian and don’t be so damn puritanical!)
We reject the inner Puritan (This is why that word was stuck in my head, lol – yes – talk to the kids about life as it is, not as we were raised to think of it. Life is GOOD and full of pleasures that should be enjoyed to the fullest. Don’t deny them because someone else says you shouldn’t)
We fill the house with music and laughter (and love and life and peace and rambunctiousness and worn comfy furniture and tons of books and art supplies and good food and yummy smells…)
We don’t waste money on family days out and holidays (It’s not the big vacations that count. It’s small things like going out to a family fun night every week or making a special project that create lasting memories of childhood. No one big vacay to Disney will make up for not being present and involved every day.)
We lie in bed for as long as possible (sometimes with the kids, all snuggled up in a big puppy pile…)
We try not to interfere (but are every watchful over our young brood)
We push them into the garden and shut the door so that we can clean the house (daily)
We both work as little as possible, particularly when the kids are small (definitely)
Time is more important than money (undoubtedly)
Happy mess is better than miserable tidiness (truer words were never spoken… though a neat and orderly house does tend to lend itself more to creativity because things are easily accessible and handy. Nothing stifles creativity than having to wait until the supplies can be located.)
Down with school (more and more, yes…. though I am enjoying homeschool immensely)
We fill the house with music and merriment (or peace and quiet – whichever strikes your fancy and mood at the time.)
So that’s my thoughts on that 
Warmly,
~h
How do you choose?
One of the most overwhelming decisions to make as a new homeschooling mom is what style of education best fits your family, followed closely by which curriculum to use. There are so many options and comparing one style to the next, one method to another, can leave your head spinning. Then, there is the debate between what works best for Mom vs. what will work best for the kids (a debate that gets even more complicated when you have more than one child’s needs to consider).
As I mentioned before, I have always wanted to homeschool, planned on it even. So I started looking into methods and materials several years ago. At the time, I could just go with what appealed to me. My kids were still young and had yet to demonstrate any particular learning styles that would apply. Since they weren’t old enough for ‘real’ school, we could focus on basic information (alphabet, colors, shapes, counting, etc.) and not worry too much with curriculum.
Then, my oldest started Kindergarten at a local charter school. That was not in our plan, but as a mom, the one thing I have learned is to be flexible! Things change every day, and what works now may not work next month or year. Such is the case that we found ourselves in – now we’re a homeschooling family once again, and the decision-making process hasn’t gotten easier!
I can say that before school started, my boys were blank slates in a way. Obviously, they developed learning styles and individuality by that point, but in Kindergarten, everything is still so new and the experience is so different from everything that had come before that to some extent, they’re willing to put up with a less-than-idea situation to enjoy the environment at school. I think that’s what happened with my oldest. Once the work started getting harder, he had more difficulties paying attention – the work mattered more, and his inability to focus really started to work against him.
Then, there’s my youngest. PeaGreen is a great student. He loves math and reading and has met or exceeded all the expectations that the school tested for, and he loves the environment. He enjoys being around the other kids and showing off his skills for his teachers. Everyone always tells me how polite and how cooperative he is – and part of me hates to take him out of an environment where he is doing so well. But, there is the fact that he has interests that are not being developed in the classroom. And though he is doing well, I wouldn’t necessarily equate that with thriving.
That is the bottom line – that’s what I want for my kids. I want them to thrive, to really get the most out of the educational opportunities presented to them. I also need to find a way to make sure that my needs are being met in this process. I am a very scheduled, organized person. My youngest is like me in that regard, but LittleBoyBlue has no sense of urgency or timetable that he lives by. So how do you go about finding balance?
As far as method goes, I am deeply drawn to unschooling. I love Holt’s take on the mind of a child and just the philosophy in general. It fits very well with my own personal philosophies on child-rearing and on the surface, seems like it would be a good fit. There are many “takes” on unschooling, but basically, unschooling promotes the idea that children will learn what they need to know when they are ready and want to learn it. Like with walking and feeding themselves, when there is interest and need, there is motivation. You cannot motivate someone – motivation comes from within. In my life, I have experienced that validity of this assertion.
My mom never pressured me to read. When I was little, she always had a book snuggled into a leather book cover. It was in her purse, by her bed, in the living room, by the pool – it went everywhere. For a long time, I didn’t realize that she replaced the book; I thought it was the same book. It was the constant presence of the book that piqued my interest and made me want to learn to read. It was a struggle, but by 4th grade, I had blazed through the entire Nancy Drew collection at the school library and found the beginning of a life-long love affair. Books are my passion, and all because my mom never forced me to learn to read.
However, as much as I love this method, and however much it calls to me, as a highly scheduled person I know in my heart that this method will not work for me. My kids might take to it like ducks to water, but I would feel frazzled and constantly be worrying that they were falling behind (although I suppose that in unschooling philosophy, there is no “behind”). My husband and I both are adamant that the boys have some form of secondary education…well, that’s not entirely accurate. We want that door open to them if they choose to step through it. That means that on some level, we need to be conscious of the standards and expectations for the state. That doesn’t mean that we need to start college prep now, in elementary school, but it does mean that I feel like we need to lay a good foundation. Central to that, I believe, is to instill a love of learning. So although unschooling is in my heart, we will most likely not be a pure unschooling family.
Moving right along, I am also drawn to child-led styles of learning, such a Montessori style education. There is so much beauty in childhood, and too much time spent behind a desk really interferes with the child’s ability to bask in it. I think that traditional schooling focuses so much on academic achievement that they lose sight of educating the whole person. As Winnie the Pooh says, “There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn’t count.” And if your child has any kind of learning disability, developmental delay or other factor that affects their ability to learn in the box, then his self-confidence comes under constant fire. Even a gifted child who cannot learn in a classroom full of distractions will start to believe that he is dumb if his grades are consistently low. Dr. Maria Montessori in her book, “Secret of Childhood” asserts that it is in a child’s nature to learn when allowed to take part freely in activities of their own choice within a well-ordered physical environment. Montessori method appeals to my sense of order and like unschooling, allows the child to direct his learning. This method has a great deal to do with my current project of preparing our homeschooling space. I want an inviting, child-friendly space that is warm and that they want to be in. If the past few days of me constantly reminding them, “Stay out of the room unless Mommy is with you! It’s not ready yet!” are any indication, then am well on my way to meeting that goal!
Waldorf education is another method that appeals to me deeply. As a highly scheduled person, the rhythms and seasons of Waldorf education feel right. I loved the natural rhythms and routines that my boys and I had before they started school, and it feels good to be able to connect with them in that way again. Not that school didn’t have its own rhythm, but it was one that was created for a group and left little room for individuality or flexibility. Additionally, the focus on art and building of one’s sense of connection to his own creativity wrapped up in nice, neat unity study-type lessons works for me. I used to write unity studies based on themes and literature when my kids were in preschool. It was challenging, and incorporated my kids interests in our learning. Though true Waldorf style schools are not what one would call traditionally “child-led”, that’s the feel that Waldorf style has always invoked in me.
Then there are highly regimented, hard-core styles like Well Trained Mind and Thomas Jefferson Education. As much as I love the ideas there, I don’t know that I have the confidence or the necessary self-discipline to really make such intensive styles work for our family at this time. I have The Well Trained Mind – I love this book! I want to BE that mom when I grow up.
I only learned about TJE right before LittleBoyBlue started Kindergarten, and by then, we were not planning on homeschooling, so I didn’t look very far into it. But it’s an option that I know comes highly recommended and I hear is particularly good for boys. TJE also promotes the idea that you cannot be responsible for making someone else learn. It promotes “leadership education“, and that is appealing to me. I want my kids to be leaders!
Then, you have curriculum… from boxed methods like Abeka and Sonlight, which offer everything you need – “school in a box”. You can make your own, pulling from here and there, or you can buy boxed curriculum by subject (useful when you lack confidence in a particular area).
So what’s a mom to do? How can you be sure that you’re providing the best for your children?
For us, it came down to starting with knowing what didn’t or wouldn’t work for our family and knowing what aspects of homeschooling appealed to us most. For me, I need a schedule or routine or rhythm – whatever you call it, I need a plan of some sort to follow and be organized. I know that LittleBoyBlue needs freedom to move around during lessons. Being tied to a desk will not work for him. He also needs short lessons that are engaging so that he can excel. PeaGreen needs to be able to follow his heart. He also needs his accomplishments recognized. In school he’s a good student, but is passed over because he is neither gifted nor a disruption. He needs space to shine.
My plan is to take from here and there and create our own method. We’re following Ambleside Online’s Charlotte Mason curriculum for the most part, but will tweak where necessary. Mason doesn’t favor unit studies, but I do and will use them where they fit. I don’t follow all the religious methodology that is so central to CM’s style, and so we will omit much of that in favor of our own spirituality. I do like her divisions by year instead of by grade, and so we will adopt and adapt that for our use.
That may seem like a lot of work, especially when all of these methods and materials are available already put together and ready to use. But one of the greatest benefits to homeschooling is that you can customize and pick and choose bits and pieces from everything out there to create an individual method and style that fits your needs. Just as no one school is right for every child, no one homeschooling method is going to be right for every family. Being flexible is a key component to my method. I believe in giving something a good try, but ultimately, if it doesn’t work out, then I want to remain open to the next adventure.
Warmly,
~h
Oh, The Many Things We Do!
Over the past few weeks, we’ve been busier than usual it seems. The last time I posted about what we were actually doing, we were making our Dr. Seuss Lapbook. Since then, we’ve gone on a
zillioncouple of field trips and wrapped up our group’s science fair, made some progress in karate (including getting yours truly involved), kicked off this year’s roller derby season and started (and completed!) a few more lapbooks, all topped off with copious amounts of coffee and conversation with good friends (homeschooling and non).We have had an influx of new members into our homeschooling group and as much as I lovelovelove our core families, I absolutely adore meeting new people who think like we do. Our group is pretty eclectic, and I always try to make sure that anyone coming into our group knows that we have an amazing and diverse mix of people, ideals, philosophies and lifestyles in our group. I think that’s an awesome boon to my kids; you’d be surprised (or maybe not) how many people see that as a threat. Oh well, their loss – but the newbies in our group seem to see such diversity as a bene and are fitting in seamlessly.
Field trips over the last few weeks have been wicked fun. We celebrated Women’s History Month with a trip to our local art museum. The director of education met us with a wonderful program about female artists, including the amazing Mary McCleary, and the kids got to make a collage of their own.
Our science fair was a mix of highs and lows. Most of the participants backed out at the last minute, which sucked, but on the plus side the boys took first and second place! We had a really great time putting the boys’ projects together. PeaGreen made a solar powered desalinator, which interestingly enough, was featured on Mythbusters episode ‘Sticky SOS’ a couple of weeks after the Science Fair, and LBB’s experiment was on fingerprint patterns. We ended up running all over town to take fingerprints from willing friends and family!
We also hit the Spindletop/Gladys City Museum, which one might call the ‘birthplace’ of the Southeast Texas economy. The kids learned about oil drilling and salt domes and the history of our fair city – things they’ve learned about many times before, but seeing it all in ‘village format’ is always a new and interesting experience.
We also hit Gator Country. If you’ve ever seen the CMT show ‘Gator 911′, it’s the same place. Gator Country has been around for a long time, so we’ve been quite a few times, but seeing a bunch of gators up close and personal and being able to hold one is always fun. We made a new lapbook on ‘crocodilians’ to go with our visit. I was super proud of the boys – this was the first lapbook that is 99% their own writing. In the past, I’ve written things while they narrated, or given them small things to write; this time I gave them research papers to read and get answers from and they did it themselves.
The next week, we met up to take the kids to play glow-in-the-dark mini golf. We originally planned on ‘moms against kids’ teams, but by the fifth hole, the kids pretty much decided to goof off and the only girl in attendance decided to come play with the moms. The pictures were dark, but this is kinda what it looked like:
In addition to fantastic mini-golf fun, last week we too an impromptu trip out to Johnson’s Bayou in Cameron, LA to stroll the beach. We ended up finding tons of collectibles in the beach detritus - dolphin vertebrae, fish vertebrae and skull bones, lots of water-logged but smoothed out bits of wood (good for carving and pyrography) and everyone’s favorite: seashells.
Photo by Gretchen
We’ve also been getting plenty of exercise with karate. The boys started in January (including Loverly Husband) and I started about a month ago. It’s hard, sweaty work, but I am really enjoying it so far. The kids did their first belt test a few weeks ago and will have their belt ceremony this week.
One thing about karate; gi’s (karate uniforms) are definitely made for tall, straight, thin people – definitely not short, round people with hips and a booty. I had to get one that was about 2 sizes too big for most of me to fit my hips and then start cutting and sewing. I ended up with a still-large-but-decently-fitting gi, but wow, what a bunch of work! I had to cut about 6 inches off the sleeves and legs, and took up a seam in the waist that brought the bottom of the jacket up about 6 inches so that the waist ties were in the correct place. The shoulders still swallow me, but it’s very roomy!
Aaannnnd last but not least, we kicked off this year’s roller derby season with Spindletop Rollergirls! I’m an NSO this year, which means ‘non-skating official‘. I get to stand in the middle of the track with a clipboard and look important. I love it! I also get a nifty derby name, ‘Tricksy Stixx’, without all the worry over being graceful on skates. If you’ve never been to a derby game before, go! And take the kids! It’s a lot of fun and the women who play derby are amazing. Better yet, if you have the opportunity to play or volunteer, do that! People like to sensationalize the hard-core aspect of derby, but it truly is a sport – these women are athletes and they train – HARD – for it. They’re committed, and it’s a family affair; most of them (us) form a close bond with their ‘derby families’.
Photo by Rodney Cole
That pretty much brings up up-to-date! I have some additional updating to do; hopefully this week. I’ll add links to the new lapbooks we’ve completed and a couple we’ve started (one on rocks and minerals, one on the Titanic, and the Story of the World II that are on-going). I am also planning on updating our curriculum page for the summer months – we’re almost through this ‘grade’! The pool is also clean and as soon as the water temp rises above 60 degrees, you can expect some pool shots, too. {wink}
Oh, and our garden – wait till you see that – we have peppers!
Hope your spring is off to a running start, too!
Warmly,
~h
April 23, 2012 | Categories: All About Me, Daily Review, Day in the Life, Field Trip, History, Rambling Thoughts, Socialization | Tags: balance, commentary, Field Trip, going with the flow, homeschoolers are busy, homeschooling, raising responsible adults, school on the go, socialization | Leave A Comment »